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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think Mumsnet gives blended families a distorted view?

27 replies

Lemonsherbetfancies · 26/12/2020 15:00

Mumsnet discussions are always based around how tricky blending families are and how they rarely work.
I can honestly say they are so wrong. DP and I been together over 2 years now and could not be happier and our kids, adult and younger all get on very well. Our families love each other and despite this year, we have managed to spend some of Christmas together and have had the best time. Really happy right now and so I want to say to others on here, do not read all the bad stuff as personally, I/we are the happiest we have been in a long time and instead of pushing us apart, this year has brought us all closer.

OP posts:

Sapphire387 · 26/12/2020 15:11

Thank you, this was nice to read. I write this as a widowed parent who is in a relationship with another widowed parent. We have three children between us and are gradually integrating. So far, so good.

dontdisturbmenow · 26/12/2020 15:20

Absolutely! I know quite a few mended families in real life and most are very happy.

Some issues with exes, some with the children but they are worked through and the family just grew stronger.

Lookslikerainted · 26/12/2020 15:41

They can’t be wrong if it’s their opinion or experience of blending families. Just because you have one way it doesn’t t make other views invalid.

Toddlerteaplease · 26/12/2020 15:42

Mumsnet gives everything a distorted view. I've never met anyone who behaves like people on mumsnet in real life.

thepeopleversuswork · 26/12/2020 15:43

I'm glad you've had a good experience of it but I think its good and right that people raise awareness of how difficult it can be.

There's a tendency of two adults who are in the first flush of good sex romance to assume that the difficulties of their relative situations can all be overcome and to railroad their kids into "blending" prematurely without enough thought of the consequences.

You read all the time about situations where a poster has combined two families within a year of knowing someone and the relationship has started to deteriorate, leaving confused children having to accommodate a bunch of randoms, leading to chaos and instability.

Of course blended families can work with thought, care and time. But in my view the ones that work are the exception to the rule and you have to be pretty damned sure you're doing it for the right reasons and doing it with the blessing of your children, not just walk blindly into something really destructive. I personally wouldn't do it. It just isn't worth the downsides for me or my DD. I'm sure that there others who can make it work but I think people quite often lie to themselves about how comfortable their kids are with it.

If you have made it work congrats and all power to you, but on balance I think better for people to approach with fear and respect than rush in assuming love will conquer all. Give me the scepticism every time.

Newlydivorced2021 · 26/12/2020 15:44

This is so good to read. My partner and I are beginning to blend families. His children have really struggled as mum accused us of already being together when they split - we were not. We’ve known each other 4 years.

This has been quite difficult to navigate as the oldest teen is very loyal to mum but I’m hopeful we will get there.

WomenAndVulvas · 26/12/2020 15:49

MN gives a distorted view on absolutely everything - eg, randomly selecting 100 threads would give you the idea that 1 in 2 children has special needs, 1 in 3 is on the spectrum, most babies have a tongue tie and/or reflux, nearly all MILs are impossible to get on with, being no contact with your parents is a common occurrence etc.
Nothing I read about on MN reflects the reality I live in.

ChristmasUserName2020 · 26/12/2020 15:51

I’m really happy it works for you but it depends very much on the circumstances and people involved. My husband’s ex does anything she can to make things awkward and just try’s to belittle and undermine me. Just the other day she was demanding to know if ‘any other people’ would be coming to collect the kids for Christmas. She wouldn’t use my name at all. This is not forgetting that not only is this weekend our normal weekend to have the kids, it’s ‘our Christmas’. However, she just said no and we get them next week. So, no blended families aren’t always that great.

Djouce · 26/12/2020 15:57

@Lookslikerainted

They can’t be wrong if it’s their opinion or experience of blending families. Just because you have one way it doesn’t t make other views invalid.

This. It’s no ones job to do propaganda. Each person posting on here about problems, in their relationship, with their stepchildren, with their ILs, is doing it because they have a problem. Obviously few people come on to say ‘I have no complaints and am blissfully happy’.

Sparklesocks · 26/12/2020 15:58

I think people are more likely to post if something isn’t working than it it is. So you’ll see more posts about rubbish spouses, difficulties with blended families, horrible in laws, bad neighbours etc because people are more likely to post or ask for advice than than those who have harmonious experiences in those areas. It skews perception somewhat.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2020 16:02

People are far more likely to start a thread on difficulties with a particular issue than threads about how easy they are finding dealing with it. It’s like news broadcasts - a plane crash will be reported, but “Plane lands safely - none hurt” isn’t news.

When someone has a problem with their blended family, or their health, or getting the help for their child with special needs, they may well start a thread, looking for support and advice. But if everything is going well, they are nowhere near as likely to start a thread about how well things are going, because they don’t want to look smug.

So I don’t think it is fair to blame MN - or, indeed any site - for giving an unbalanced view - it is due to people being more likely to need help when things aren’t going well.

loopylou42 · 26/12/2020 16:03

I agree, me and DP together for 12 years both have 2 children from previous relationships and 1 DD together. We all get on great in fact me and DP ex have similar age children and used to go to a local playgroup together.
We had a big family holiday abroad last year including the kids, parent and in laws and some extended family spent 10 days together and all got on great

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/12/2020 16:08

No, I don’t think MN has a distorted view in the main on blended families. In real life I don’t know one where it’s worked really well.

Being brought up in one and from talking to friends with similar childhoods, all would say it was about the adult wants and it wasn’t something they would want to do to their own children. Two are NC now as adults with a parent because of it. The adults would likely have a rose tinted different view.

MaybeNew · 26/12/2020 17:36

It is delusion of the worst kind to think that because you want to fuck someone, that your kids will want them as a step parent and their children as step brothers/sisters.

I am sure my DM/StepDF would say how well we all get on. In fairness, we all are civil in front of them, but have no interest in each other outside of that. We pretend to keep them happy. Out of choice none of us would spend time with each other at all. My Step DF makes my DM happy so I am happy to play along.

Melonlover80 · 26/12/2020 17:41

All I’ll say is... interesting you’ve name changed to start this thread

thepeopleversuswork · 26/12/2020 17:45

@MaybeNew

It is delusion of the worst kind to think that because you want to fuck someone, that your kids will want them as a step parent and their children as step brothers/sisters.

This.

There are scenarios where the parties genuinely want to be together as a "blended family" and all power to them.

But in the majority of cases its two adults who want the convenience of having their sexual partner and/or domestic helper under the same roof, deluding themselves that this suits their children as well as it suits them. And look how that often works out.

Whodofthunk · 26/12/2020 17:47

Good for you. Your experience is so very, very far from my mine though.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 26/12/2020 17:51

I think it's a bit of a silly post to be honest. Mumsnet is a place to look for support or advice if you're having issues. It's not trying to give an unbiased view. The point of MN is to offer support not to give a view about anything right or wrong. If your blended family has no issues why would you make a post about it? Just like you wouldn't post about your marriage or your child's teacher or your neighbour unless there was a problem you needed advice with.

Yoshinori · 26/12/2020 17:51

You’ve been together 2 years.

Come back when and if you’ve been together for 12.

Melonlover80 · 26/12/2020 17:52

It wouldn’t matter to me if I met the man of my dreams.

No. Way. Am I moving in any man to share my children’s home. No way.

MiaMarshmallows · 30/12/2020 17:15

Just come across this thread.
Personally, we couldn't be happier and have been together over 2 years as well now.
All our families adore each other, we have a lot of fun together, stepkids from previous relationships are thrilled for us and it just keeps getting better. We have practically lived together on and off since lockdown. People on here said it would change things but it only made us stronger.
Tomorrow we are so looking forward to celebrating our future and how we have come through this year. It sounds corny but the other day my friend told me 'You and DP look so happy there are tears in both your eyes' in a photo we posted. And it's true, there is and it wasn't just the booze . When that photo was taken we all just felt amazingly happy in a way we thought we never would be.

Meeting my partner is the best thing to have ever happened to me.
So no OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable as MN definitely gives a distorted view of blended families.

thebabessavedme · 30/12/2020 17:35

we have been 'blended' for over 20 years and its fine, in fact, our family is so complicated we sometimes forget who actually share dna, it is all give and take and just generally being nice to each other that makes it work, that and a great deal of love and laughter.

jimmyjammy001 · 30/12/2020 17:43

I think your situation is a very rare one tbh, if both people have got kids from a previous relationship then you are on common ground, but if one of you has children from previous relationship and the other one doesn't then the person without children then you are at different life stages and usually person without children has to make sacrifices and organise their life around the person's with children childcare arrangements which is why it hardly ever works out long term and especially living together. Once the honeymoon period is over the cracks start to show as person without children has alot more free time on their hands and wants to do things like adult weekends away, holidays, days out e.t.c without other persons children which becomes hassle and hard work to organise,then there's usually the ex dramas which I'm not even going to go into.

Lofu · 30/12/2020 17:48

My observation (and experience as a step child) is that it works better when the step child/ children only have one home. I lived with my mum and step dad full time and would visit my dad ad hoc, never stayed over except for one day over Xmas, when I had a blow up on the living room floor.
My friends who were shipped from house to house were miserable.

NameChangeUnwiseAdvice · 30/12/2020 17:52

In my experience as both a kid of divorced parents and a divorced person with upgraded husband- YABU. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and 14 years down the line it is still really really awful. Not my relationship with my husband - I love him so much - but my continued compulsory involvement with my cunt of an ex and the difficulty in balancing all of the relationships in my family. It is just the same with my divorced mates. Bloody hard work.

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