Who was AIBU "going on"

[ohfordogsake]

We need a kitchen overhaul- mainly consisting of changing out the old AGA for something more practical.

I found the perfect replacement on EBay yesterday, and talked about it.

Today DP wanted to spend the day in bed watching movies. I took DC to their dads as arranged, and came home. Joined DP.

He picked a movie and I was half watching, half reading things online.

I started talking again about the plans/ideas and DP snapped at me, Said I just can't leave things, and can I just stop going on about 'jobs' - it's Xmas and I couldn't even not talk about it on Xmas day.

I said I'm not asking him to DO anything, just thinking out loud/chatting. And he has now gone out.

I think he is being an arse- but AIBU?

When one party is really cross actually going for a walk to cool off is the best thing to do.

If someone started talking to me about kitchen refurbishment on Christmas Day I would not engage.

It’s a chance to actually have a rest and not have to think about make decisions for a few days

My DH does this OP, talks about jobs and things we need to do whilst I'm in the zone doing/watching/listening to something else. I find it irritating that he expects me to immediately start thinking about exactly what he is thinking about when I'm clearly doing something else.

I'd be so frustrated if my husband was prattling on about work that needed doing to the house on Christmas day. There are millions of topics of conversation, even if you speak and see each other every day. There was absolutely no need to interrupt Christmas day and his movie with talk about renovating the kitchen. I dont blame him for going for a walk, I would have done the same.

I can see all of your points re: "prattling" and being annoying.

He has just sent a text telling me not to bother cooking for him

because as usual, all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and organising falls to me- while he does exactly what he wants!

Well at least you’ll have one less drip to feed...

You don’t sound particularly compatible. I think this is a lot deeper than him being pissed off at you wanting to talk during a film. He doesn’t do enough, he’s not interested in talking up the kitchen, now he’s pass agg texting you not to cook for him?! Long term, is this who you want to be with?

I would divorce my DH if he suggested getting rid of the Aga.

@ohfordogsake

I can see all of your points re: "prattling" and being annoying.

He has just sent a text telling me not to bother cooking for him

because as usual, all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and organising falls to me- while he does exactly what he wants!

He sounds like a bit of a dick. Yes you banging on about the aga and new cooker would have irritated me but I'd have asked you to leave it alone and unless you carried on regardless we could have still enjoyed watching the film. Instead he flounces off in a huge huff and is now dragging out the argument even longer. He also doesn't pull his weight at home. Is this just a Christmas stress thing or is he always like this?

@TeenageMutantNinjaCovid haha, I understand the AGA love but it's old, a bit broken and so so expensive to run.

He can be a dick quite a lot of the time....sudden moods and "carrying a cloud"- when he is good he is brilliant but he can be so self absorbed.

As to Xmas stress, there shouldn't really be any- he finished work a week ago, spent the few days before Xmas relaxing, and although we spent Xmas day with my parents it all seemed to go fine and he said he enjoyed it....

I am going to start asking everyone here this...
because as usual, all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and organising falls to me- while he does exactly what he wants!

Why does it all "fall to you"?

He shouldn’t have snapped but I would have found that annoying too. My mum is the same - she can’t help but ruminate over and over about a decision before it’s made and I find it so tiring. If he was watching a movie he was probably annoyed to be pulled into a fairly pointless conversation.

Because no one else seems to register that it needs doing.

I have pretty much given up asking the rest of the household to do anything as it will either be moaned about, done "half arsed" or avoided until I do it myself.

Yes, YABU.

Reading between the lines, this isn’t about that one conversation and he sounds selfish and lazy from your updates.

It may well be annoying to talk through a film or talk about jobs but is he not adult enough to say 'can we just chill and talk about this another time?' Rather than snapping and storming off?

My mind always works at a million miles an hour and I'm always planning things, unless its something stressful like a work deadline, I quite like making plans. My husband is the opposite and has very definite things he doesnt want to think about when he is relaxing as it stresses him out. I'm banned from talking about DIY or jobs when he is in bed for example. And sometimes I forget and he can get a bit annoyed. I dont think anyone is really wrong in this situation it sounds just like lack of communication, if you genuinely didn't know that he doesn't like discussing stuff like this when he is trying to relax. He could have been a bit nicer about asking you to stop

I thought he did say he didn’t want to talk about it? Fair enough he shouldn’t have snapped but he did say...

I would hate it if my OH wanted to chat about refitting the bloomin' kitchen on Xmas Day! It's a day for switching off from normal life, for chatting about nonsense and having a laugh. I find it weird you don't know what else to talk about, OP. Doesn't sound like communication is great between you if you can't fill a day talking about general stuff that isn't practical or domestic.

He has overreacted and he does sound like a bit of a baby (I really couldn't be doing with the situations you've explained and would be putting my foot down).

Having said that DP and I are in the same industry (or were before covid) and part of my role came with a huge amount of stress. The way I dealt with it was to have a cutoff time kn my head where I didn't want to talk or think about work. I didn't communicate this properly and DP became a prattler about work. He would get really confuse that I would politely switch off to it when an hour earlier i would be enthusiastically discussing it.

Coincidentally at the same time he seemed to never give it a break and i got more and more frustrated. I was an idiot because I should have explained clearly about how I managed the stress (his was less stressful same industry but different levels and so he would not have seen the need for this naturally). I didn't, I just festered. It got to the point that saying one word ay the wrong time would sky rocket my blood pressure.

So rather than being a grown up and talking to him,what did I do? I blew one day ,out of nowhere.

Yes he had been particularly obsessive about work that day and started the same discussion at 9 pm
Bloody hell you would have seen the explosion from space ,and totally understandably DP was totally confused. When things calmed down I apologised profusely and so did he.

Now he respects the boundary and watches for one word answers which mean i have had enough ,i communicate a bit more.

Sometimes a blow up is the build up of what should have been 15 small conversations not had.

This is more than one conversation about an aga.

Well the children aren't his from the sounds of it so yes the childcare should fall to you but cleaning and cooking should be shared

I love planning a project like a kitchen and spend hours trawling the Internet researching. Dh hates that stuff so happily leaves it to me unless I ask his opinion. Talking about in on Christmas Day will probably annoy him because it’s a “job”. Not a massive issue though.