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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fuming at Mother

18 replies

ChristmasAlone · 26/12/2020 12:22

New account created, you know how it is! The below is pretty long, so bare with me.

This Christmas I have spent alone, this was entirely my own choice. Myself and my partner of 10 years were supposed to be flying over to spend Christmas with DP family until NYD. Partner hasn't been home for Christmas in 7 years, as it is extremely expensive to fly then. So we tend to go for a long weekend start of December and then they'll go for a week or so in Jan without me. Both when the flight prices are much lower. So although they get to see parents it's not quite the same.

With every thing happening at the moment I said around November that it is very unlikely I will be going. Spoke to my parents and said potentially I will come down, nothing concrete - which my mother was fine with and completely understood. Mother is in Portsmouth so has now gone to Tier 4, so actually could not go.

Me, DP and some friends weekend of the 12th decided to have a mini early Christmas, we had spent the last couple of Christmas' with this couple. So I kind of had a Christmas day, just much smaller. Last weekend the Saturday/Sunday news was creeping out that countries were likely to ban flights from the UK, (I was actually pretty happy as i didn't really want to go by this point for loads of reasons) so it made my mind up, DP completely understood why I wasn't coming, naturally was a little upset we wouldn't be together at Christmas. But like I said i'm planning on being alive for a good while yet and it's just one year. I was also feeling pretty rough last weekend and still don't feel great now. I did have a PCR Test because I wouldn't have been able to fly with out a negative test result and it said I don't have Corona, so this is something else. Literally went straight home from test centre and didn't leave the house before coming down with what it is I have.

Yesterday had Christmas by myself, wasn't that bad had a lot of Zooms with friends and family, it really didn't feel like I was missing out on anything.

This morning around 10am my mother rang, the call actually woke me up. This is not like me at all as I'm an early riser. Was talking and she ended up asking how my waygu steak was yesterday, I explained I wasn't feeling great and didn't eat. This news seemed to tip her over the edge and is putting the blame solely at DPs feet and how incredibly selfish they are to leave me here alone. DP definitely wouldn't have cooked Christmas Dinner yesterday, like a lot of other European countries they have the big meal on the 24th, so they cook 24th and I cook 25th. This is an arrangement that we've had the last 7 years and it's really nice merging our two Christmas traditions together.

Anyway about an hour or so later I get some messages from DP telling me that my Mother has been messaging them about how selfish they are to leave me at home, even going as far to say that they purposely took the car so I was unable to travel down from Manchester to Portsmouth for the Christmas. We are a one car household and it's at the airport. I've been working from home since March and it is incredibly unlikely I will need a car between now and DPs return, it was also me making a 3hr round trip to drop off and collect from the airport which I wouldn't particularly want to do.

Am I within my rights to be absolutely furious with my mother for this, I haven't spoken to them yet as I'm still mad. Do you think my mother my be right and DP is selfish?

Answers on a postcard.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 26/12/2020 12:25

Do you think your partner is selfish?

Timeforabiscuit · 26/12/2020 12:26

How old are you? If you were 17 I would be worried for you as my child. At 27? Hell no! Unless there are any other issues, Mum should keep her beak out!

Cherrysoup · 26/12/2020 12:27

Your mother is extremely unreasonable. I can’t get over people having their partner’s numbers-my mother doesn’t have my DH’s, not he hers.

You were perfectly happy til she stuck her oar in; has she made you doubt yourself and your adult decisions?

SEE123 · 26/12/2020 12:27

What @Timeforabiscuit said. What does it have to do with your mother how you are spending Xmas day?
Do YOU think your partner is selfish?
Sounds like you didn't really want to fly to be wherever he is anyway?

ChristmasAlone · 26/12/2020 12:28

@VettiyaIruken

Do you think your partner is selfish?
In regards to this personally no I don't. They are sticking to the plans that we had made months ago. I chose not to go. It would be more selfish of me to say they couldn't go because I didn't want to.
OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 26/12/2020 12:30

Then that's what matters. Not what your mum thinks.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 26/12/2020 12:31

Bloody hell, unless I needed rescuing from abuse I would hate my mother to intervene in my relationship. Why the hell is it her business what you two decide to do with your car?

IMNOTSHOUTING · 26/12/2020 12:32

I can’t get over people having their partner’s numbers-my mother doesn’t have my DH’s, not he hers.

OK it's weird for parents to get involved in their adult children's romantic lives but if you're married of course it's perfectly normal to have your in laws numbers - your family and might need to contact them for any number of reasons. Unless there's been some giant dispute most people have their parents in law's numbers and vice versa.

ChristmasAlone · 26/12/2020 12:33

@Timeforabiscuit

How old are you? If you were 17 I would be worried for you as my child. At 27? Hell no! Unless there are any other issues, Mum should keep her beak out!
17 twice over, makes me feel slightly better. Grin

On the whole the relationship is great, I see alot of posts on here and it makes me realise how lucky I am.

OP posts:
FourDecades · 26/12/2020 12:34

Your mother needs to butt out if your relationship!!. What right has she to tell your DP off for the plans you MUTUALLY agreed too!! She has completely overstepped the boundaries and I'd be telling her so!

ChristmasAlone · 26/12/2020 12:35

@Cherrysoup

Your mother is extremely unreasonable. I can’t get over people having their partner’s numbers-my mother doesn’t have my DH’s, not he hers.

You were perfectly happy til she stuck her oar in; has she made you doubt yourself and your adult decisions?

It was done over Facebook messenger. Although I do think it's normal to have partners parents numbers. Not sure if DP and mother have exchanged and wouldn't bother me of they had.
OP posts:
Littlebluebird123 · 26/12/2020 12:36

It seems as if you were quite happy apart from feeling a little unwell.
Then your mum decided you should not have been left alone and your do is selfish for doing so.
Is that right? Why has she got the impression they're selfish?
If it is that you are fine I would reassure do that your mum invented this stress and you're fine. And ask your mum to stop involving herself.
Is there a back story? Is she normally hostile towards dp? Is she blaming them for you not coming rather than the tier 4 restrictions?

Fairyliz · 26/12/2020 12:41

Ok I think your mum is being unreasonable but I can see it a little bit from her point of view.
However old you are you are still her little girl. It seems you spend Christmas alone, but feeling too well and not having a nice meal. I think in those circumstances I would want my ‘child’ with me.
So perhaps have a laugh with your DP about over protective mothers and then forget it.

ChristmasAlone · 26/12/2020 12:49

Mum and DP have always had a good relationship and share a love of red wine together Grin

DP was a little miffed why she has messaged and asked if I am okay. I have said yes and to ignore it.

Our relationship is great for the most part and I'm really confused as to where my mother has come up with idea that partner is not only selfish but also came up with elaborate plan for me to be at home alone. They were actually telling me I should just go spend Christmas with the family and ignore the rules.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 26/12/2020 13:24

who are they you refer to

its nothing to do with your dm what you decide to do if youre happy it doesnt matter

HannaYeah · 26/12/2020 13:27

I’d be mad for a minute then get over it. It was wrong but came from a good place (your Mum’s concern for you) and nothing bad has come out of it because you have a good relationship with your DP.

Everyone is having a terrible time including your Mum. I’d call my Mum, say love you but you got this all wrong. Leave it at that.

ChristmasAlone · 26/12/2020 13:31

@GabsAlot

who are they you refer to

its nothing to do with your dm what you decide to do if youre happy it doesnt matter

Sorry the they is DP, they was telling me to travel down to Portsmouth for Christmas. Last Saturday a little while after I confirmed I wasn't actually going to fly DP actually asked what time I was driving them to the airport.
OP posts:
TildaTurnip · 26/12/2020 13:38

@HannaYeah

I’d be mad for a minute then get over it. It was wrong but came from a good place (your Mum’s concern for you) and nothing bad has come out of it because you have a good relationship with your DP.

Everyone is having a terrible time including your Mum. I’d call my Mum, say love you but you got this all wrong. Leave it at that.

This sounds good advice.
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