To feel completely disappointed this christmas

[Hope2021isbetter]

Name changed but just had the most disastrous Christmas and feeling really fed up.

Have 3 young children. Husband walked out a year ago and moved straight in with another woman and her children. Been a really upsetting year, dc was introduced and stopping at her house within weeks, struggled with loneliness as a single mum in lockdown. However, tried to remain positive and sort my life out, now doing better career-wise etc

Think today was always going to be difficult for me as the first time my children have not spent the whole day with me, we split the day and he came to pick them up at 1. He arrived in an awful mood, told me the carpets looked dirty and that I would never get the bond back if I moved (rented house) and that it smells like an old woman's house. He feels the need to put me, my life or the house down every time I see him. He is now refusing to bring the children back when he should on Sunday. Then to top it off, arrived at my Mums for Christmas dinner shortly after, both her and her partner completely drunk, they ended up arguing, so sat at home on my own and had to order an Indian!

Just relieved the dc had a nice morning. xx

You may need to see a Solicitor to sort out child visits officially if you think he is serious about not returning your children. Sorry that your Christmas Day hasn’t turned out well. Take care.

That sounds really tough and I’d be upset too. At least you had the morning, which is the most important bit in my view. Hope you’re ok.

Agreed contact order needed, agree a meeting place not at your house so he can't comment on your home. Cheeky fucker. Maybe the carpets would be cleaner if he was there to support but he decided to fuck off with another woman.

Then you hand over on neutral ground. He has no right to comment on anything other than the DC.

Don't give him the power to upset you.

You know what? No Christmas is ever going to be as bad as this one; the first after your dick of a husband left. I'm sorry it was shit but it was always going to be miserable. I'm sorry he made a painful time worse.

He sounds horrible so I'm sure this time next year you'll be thanking your lucky stars he showed his colours early.

Now is time to take back the power. Insist on a neutral handover venue, get a contact order in place and have a good read of Chump Lady.

You can't be back to where you were before but you can own your situation and stop letting him control you bus your kids.

What house is it?

He's obviously not happy op, maybe things at home not going well??.
He's lashing out to excuse his own dissatisfaction. Maybe it's actually his carpets that are dirty!!

The thing is, do you care about the carpets and what he says about them? If you don't care for his opinion then you wouldn't be upset. Are you still trying to please him? Was he bossy or a control freak?

What a bizzare thing to say on Xmas day??

He arrived in an awful mood, told me the carpets looked dirty and that I would never get the bond back if I moved (rented house) and that it smells like an old woman's house.

You know this is a straight-up sexist, ageist pig, yes? Stop feeling bad or guilty about anything this arsehole said to you and start planning how to protect yourself and the children from him, because you are all better off without his nonsense.

Don't worry too much, hardly anyone's having the sort of Christmas that we're all supposed to, because we live in the real world where exes are twats, kids get tired and there's not enough time. Tomorrow is another day

Don't let him past the front door in future awful man

Thank you for everyone's replies.

Cheered up a bit today and enjoyed some fresh air.

I am supposed to be picking them up tomorrow at 2. It is an hour drive away. He is refusing to give them back til tea time. But I can't wait around as need to get back. It is clear like a few have already suggested I need a Court order, but what are my rights in the meantime? I do still feel a bit bullied and controlled by him! Any advice gratefully received. Thankyou. xx

I went through similar a long time ago.

I think it's their suppressed guilt and not so suppressed arrogance (ie ego) that makes men like this behave like dicks.

I ended up contacting the police about mine - and I wish I'd done it sooner. Harassment and co-ercive behaviour is no longer legal.

Do NOT let him over your doorstep. He can wait in his car.

Have a happy hogmanay with your children - we used to do a special meal and an extra gift - and promise yourself a solicitor's appointment, and be your own strongest advocate.

As it is all about being an arse, I would grit my teeth and collect the children at teatime. Try not to show him that you give a shit. I would be tempted to tell him breezily that it worked out fine as you had a friend to meet and it gave you a bit more time. Look into making a proper legal agreement.

Btw my ExH shat his arse when the Police spoke to him.

Jamie Lees right. It's their guilt. They try and make out your a bad person to justify their own wrong doings because he knows he's in the wrong.

I've seen it so many times!

With the timing if it doesn't put you out I would agree to the later time but make sure all future arrangements are set in writing.

I'm sorry you had a shit day. 12 years separated for me and I promise it gets easier!