To feel very upset argument has just happened?

[Willow79]

I'm late 20s and single, formed an extended household with parents. My mum can be quite controlling although she cares a lot about us.

Basically we were 15 mins into opening presents when my mum started telling my dad to order his presents in a specific way as he opened them. He said 'look I cant be doing with this this year, I want to just relax' and it turned into baiting comments back and forth!

My mum then stormed out of the room, my dad buried his head in a book and now I'm alone in a different room. AIBU to think they are out of order? This has never happened at Christmas - ever!

I don’t think it’s ‘they were out of order’ your dad has a right to say not this again I just want to relax, the problem was your mother. At least she’s said sorry now, but I wouldn’t ever feel cross with him for sticking up for himself

Does your mum have OCD? Not trying to excuse her behaviour but if she's controlling about things being done in a very particular way, it might help you make sense of why she's the way she is.

Ok op, deep breath and carry on with your day

I'm glad your mum initiated starting over. I hope it goes better this time around. Happy Christmas.

This has never happened at Christmas - ever!

If you've managed to get to your late 20s without any frayed tempers at Christmas, then you're probably quite lucky.

Does your mum generally try to micro manage how people open their presents? The fact that you state above this is the first time it's ever happened suggests NOT.

Great that she's apologised. Just chalk it up to 2020 madness and get on with eating far too much.

Sounds like my mother. I am glad I don't have to spend Christmas with year this year (COVID/bubbles).

OP your DM sounds just like mine. I love her to bits and she has always supported us loads, but everything has to be her way! It can be incredibly stressful, I don't think she realises the ways she talks to people.

Last year, on Boxing Day, she was going at my Dad, and my young adult DS snapped. Cue loads of tears from DM about how horrible he was being to her!

This year it's just me and my two DS and although I miss seeing my parents, it's so much more relaxed!

I think all you can do is take a deep breath, give them both a hug and try to move on.

@Willow79

I'm glad she's apologised, I hope you can all have a nice day now...

I'm still arguing with myself. Several 'hot topics' my head wants to go for a walk, my body does not!! My stomach wants roast potatoes - the rest of me cannot be bothered standing in the kitchen peeling spuds etc while there are readily available, no prep, snacks! And on it goes...no sign of any apologies or compromises!!

witches - you gave me a laugh!

Your mum sounds like mine actually, and family Christmases used to be hellish to say the least. My DM used to end up continually having arguments with my DSis and DB. (They obviously played their part as well.) I used to constantly try to be the peacemaker and it was exhausting.

The person who was mostly to blame for the toxic relationships in our family, my abusive F, died many years ago, but it’s as if the family never moved on.

I only realised how dysfunctional it all was once I got married and my DH couldn’t believe how many rows we had as a family.

Your mum sounds controlling, but, on the positive side, she did apologise, which shows that she doesn’t want you and your dad to be walking on eggshells.

Is it the case that this is the first time she’s been called out on her micromanaging and that in the past you and your dad just went along with it to keep the peace? If so, then she possibly didn’t realise previously how annoying she was being. (My DM always thinks she’s being helpful when she jumps in to micromanage us).

This has been a stressful year for lots of people - no reason why Christmas should be any different - it's just another day, but with a load of expectations heaped on!

I'm glad your mum apologised - don't let it ruin your day

Honestly, if that's the worst argument that's happened in your house at Christmas by the time you get to late 20's you've had it great!

Don't assume you know everything that's going on between your mum and dad.

It might be that your mum was trying to do something thoughtful.

You say that you and your mum were working hard while dad was relaxing, too much. Has he form of this?

It's always the people that want to 'just chill' that get to do that because others are doing all the thinking and work around them.

She has apologised.

Sure your mum hasn't read this thread then? Could be why she's come to apologise

So many poster defending controlling behaviour. Can't say that I am surprised.

@Willow79

I hope that the rest of your day is better.

Have you seen them much over the year or have they been quite isolated? My mum has turned into a different person because of lockdown. She is on edge and anxious and it comes out in weird ways. I just remember it’s a strange year and give her a pass. I know I’ve struggled at times too.

Take her apology and say “yes, let’s start again, happy Christmas, let’s get these presents open.”

@Heartlantern2 maybe read what the OP has said, it is something her mother always does, no reason other than she must be very controlling. It does reveal something about people on here when they have to put the man in the wrong no matter what.

She's probably had enough. Make her a cup of tea.

Very controlling is often abusive and caring isn’t in the same as normal people

Oh OP, I am sorry. Had a huge falling out with my mum over the most ridiculous trivial thing - it all blew up last night and she's been 'Not Speaking' to me all morning. She's trying to act normal now and wants to 'Have Christmas' but I just feel tearful and tired and flat now.

Christmas is naturally a time of high stress and emotion. The 'Christmas family fight' is a cliche, but it's true. People are tired and stressed, and the expectation that they must have a good time, mixed with having to be on their best behaviour for guests... it's all just a melting pot and it's amazing really that Christmasses can happen at all without fallouts!

I really hope the rest of the day picks up. ((((Hugs))))

I can see your mums point if she wasndoing all the work yesterday while your dad sat around relaxing. She probably knows if people are left to rip presents open however they like, then she will be left to clean up the mess, aswell as doing everything else.

Just wanted to say thanks for these messages, I did read them but didnt get a chance to reply.

The day improved. @Iminaglasscaseofemotion I took charge of tidying up as went as I realised this might be the case. My dad did bugger all while my mum waited on him hand and foot- I was pretty disgusted tbh. I'm late 20s and most of my male friends and exes have all done their share.

A PP mentioned a toxic family dynamic due to their late DF. My mum's late DF was somewhat like this and it has been passed on imo. She picks fights and I hate them. The last few days have been nice enough though.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants I hope you and yourself came to some agreements and that you enjoyed your day.

Hi Willow

I'm glad it's been 'nice enough'. It's difficult being an adult child when your parents aren't behaving well.

Well, I didn't get sent to my room, so I guess it went ok 🤣

Thanks 🎄 🎁