To always forget what my family is like

[Marasme]

I may have posted about my parents a long while ago. We have had a fairly strained relationship for many years (the gaslighty type) and i ve lived abroad (UK) for many many years, seeing them usually every 6-9 months for the sake of the kids.

With Covid, restrictions where i live in the UK mean that visits were cancelled and i had not seen them for 18months. In parallel, my workload increased, and my MH plummeted: I have severe anxiety (health plus Brexit and losing my right in the UK).

My Ps are getting older super fast and make crap irrational decisions. Think polypharmacy, ignoring symptoms, not listening to the GP, and doing bad financial investment- while becoming very self assured that THEY are in the right.

DH and I decided to go to their EU country for a month, before Brexit (and while it was still ok with the rules, BTW) - to get my brother some respite and offer some support. My DM seemed glad at the idea, as their health means they will not be able to fly to us again.

I am >40 but find myself in a similar drama as in my teens or 20s. Shortly after we arrived, I found out that DM had bad hypotension and frequent fainting (daily, morning). Getting her to the GP was mission impossible, and i got called names for implying there was an issue. She had a light cough and swore it was habitual and just phlegm. She also mocked people getting covid "check" tests before xmas, saying they were stupid and this was pointless.

She eventually agreed, after my DF asked her because of freaking out when she fainted in front of him , to go to the GP. Well guess what - GP got her to do a COVID test, giving her the opportunity to badmouth him to her friends as an idiot blinkered by covid. Only to come back positive a few days ago. She of course feels "great" (never one to miss making a point) and is not isolating.

By that point, I was already feeling shit, and self isolated in my room as the only loser following rules in this house. I ve been there 4 days. DH and kids are fine. I ve eaten 3 biscuits and a bit of bread with occasional teas broughtby a sheepish DH ("D"M forbids foods upstairs). I missed on xmas eve and Xmas day. My kids opened their presents without me and DH did not even take pictures (he also forgot to bring down the presents before kids woke up).

And worst of all, I can hear them (parents) speak at the table about how I am ruining Xmas by refusing to come out of my bedroom.

I will never learn...

You don't need to see them for the sake of the kids , put yourself first

You are being ridiculous to stay in your room. If you have been in contact with your mum before she tested positive, you have been exposed already. Your kids and your husband are mixing with your parents, what is the point in what you are doing??

Doesn't seem much point at this stage - you are cutting off your nose to spite your face!

How long do you plan to be on hunger strike for?! This sounds bonkers from start to finish.

You are martyring yourself by staying in your room. You have all been exposed do there is no point in doing what you are doing.

@PintOfPrawns

You are martyring yourself by staying in your room. You have all been exposed do there is no point in doing what you are doing.

This. The rules aren't to stay in another room from other people in your household (who would feed everyone if this were the case? Everyone in the house has now been exposed). Do you have medication with you or coping methods for your anxiety? Hope you feel better soon.

I feel rubbish to the extent that being anywhere else than my room is ludicrous.

I have an anxiety app - thks WhatTiggers.

There is some research to say that isolating away from other members of the home reduces the increased risks of them being exposed to more viral load than needed. Viral load in Covid seems to relate to severity in some cases. So I get what the OP is doing.

Doesn’t stop your parents from being dicks though or stop you from deciding to not put up with it or visit in future.

To be honest I feel like you are sitting up there to punish your DM. Are you still seeing your DH when he comes up?

My DM is not that bothered - she has her grandkids and is happily coughing away, and nipping to shops (open in this country) despite her +ve test. Her argument: it s the end of her symptoms so she s not infectious anymore - sthg their health service apparently advise. I m not discussing this further with her - she knows better.

As for DH - he sleeps with the kids and leaves a tray at the door.

I d like to say i won't visit again - but the worry of ageing parents when you are abroad takes over fast...

I am confused, your mother has had a positive test and is sitting downstairs with your husband and kids and you have had no test and self isolating in your room?

Do I have that right

I agree. Its awful that your relationship with your parents is so strained. However there is literally no point in just sitting in your room. Your DH and kids are mixing with them and I'm guessing you're sharing a bed with your DH?
Plus you've already had contact with your DM numerous times before her positive results so there is no point sitting in your room. I do think that's a little dramatic.
But equally its crap you're made to feel like that.
Its Xmas, we all have to endure family relationships at this time of year, just bite your tongue and count down the days.
Merry Christmas x

Well turning up to covid positive parents has to win the internet today. Doesn’t it?

Did you (you, DH, DC) get tested and were negative? Isolate yourself from her asap.

But I don't get the self Isolation if you and definitely your DC and DH were already exposed...

Yanbu to feel upset, btw. Sounds awful.

Why is your husband supporting your mum not you?

Plus you've already had contact with your DM numerous times before her positive results so there is no point sitting in your room. I do think that's a little dramatic.

Why? The OP may not be infected. Yet.

The problem are mostly the kids and DH imo. They're even more likely to have been infected.

And seeing as going back home whilst testing positive (and you can test positive for quite some time after you've had it) is at least very problematic.... Well, it seems like a shitty situation.

I think you need to get over the the Statley Homes thread and figure out the FOG fear, obligation and guilt and start to do what is best for you

we are in their 3 bed home, with nowhere else to go. I m on my own in room with fever chills and aches.
DM got tested after we arrived . She s positive but feels well, allegedly. DH and kids are well, so far. I m the only one feeling shit. Will get a test privately tomorrow as we aren t residents here. Of it s not covid, it ll be the flu, which i don't wish on anyone else either.

@ohgetoveryourself - thks. Xmas kindness at its best.

yes - a shitty situation all round.

Sorry you're so sick - even if your mum didn't have covid you'd be stuck in your bed as you're unwell, but your family should be looking after you, and your mum is being ridiculous in being above covid, and putting lots of people at risk. Try to get some rest, drink lots of liquids and get your husband to bring you up toast and soup.
And don't feel you have to go visit them next Christmas - you deserve a good one after this year.