Sexism in titles. AIBU?

[TroublesomeTrucks]

I’m genuinely interested in others’ opinions here because I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable because my usually supportive and level-headed husband seems to think I’ve gone off the deep end and I don’t agree. This is a very first world problem, I know this. It is not the biggest thing I have to worry about at the moment but the one causing me most confusion.

My title is Dr, as is my husband’s. When we married I chose to keep my name rather than changing it to his. I don’t judge anyone who chooses differently, but this was what I wanted to do.

We have a mutual friend who married a couple of years ago and asked me twice (before sending save the dates and then wedding invitations) what name and what title I used after we married). Her title is also Dr.

Today I received a Christmas card addressed to Dr and Mrs Husband’s name.

I know it’s a small thing, but why is he afforded the courtesy of his academic title and I am not? Why would you ignore the fact I haven’t changed my name?

I know plenty of people use their maiden name at work and married name socially and not everyone chooses to use their academic title in general life, which I understand, but what ever she thinks of my choices, they are MY choices and why would she give my husband his academic title and not me?

I know I’m over reacting because in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter at all but AIBU?

YANBU

I would understand if they put Mr and Mrs because some people don't use their title in their private life, but Dr and Mrs is rude.

Perhaps it was an error. I would not get annoyed over it but the principle is a sound one.

YANBU
Some people seem to think that all married women must be called Mrs despite the fact that there are lots of other titles they could have. Strangely enough, it's fine for men to use a title other than Mr.

She may have just forgotten by now if she doesn’t know you that well (?) but I agree because man always comes first they always get the shit and woman feel like the add on, as it always was

I don’t know what I meant to type by get the shit I am half as

It is so annoying, YANBU. Slightly different but we’re in the process of moving house and it seems they’re very old school at our estate agents - it’s Mr and Mrs (DH’s initial) Surname when they send us stuff in the post. Plus I always use Ms, which they should have noticed on the initial forms i filled in. We get the same on Christmas cards from an elderly acquaintance which I understand as she’s very traditional, but I was surprised by the estate agents.

That would piss me off too - I'm Dr and DH is Mr, I'll often get asked my utility companies to speak to Dr F... and I say it's me ... they'll often sound perplexed whilst it clicks into place

Not just that but when I mention I work in a hospital environment .... oh are you a nurse .... 🤬

I think that was rude, three of my sisters are dr and are generally called as such. but a newspaper article refered to my sister as Mrs recently.

It’s bullshit and would piss me off too

YANBU.
Dr Hisname & Dr Yourname (or the other way round). Or just address the envelope to one of you and have the card with both forenames.

I took DHs surname; the first Xmas after getting my doctorate (he'd already got his) DM addressed the Xmas card to Dr & Mrs Dragon. She only did that the once after I mildly pointed out her mistake!

@FabbyMagic

She may have just forgotten by now if she doesn’t know you that well (?) but I agree because man always comes first they always get the shit and woman feel like the add on, as it always was

That would be absolutely fine if it was both of us. Mr and Mrs wouldn’t really bother me, it’s the Dr and Mrs that really gets me riled up.

You're not overreacting, and if course it matters. These so-called little things add up quite quickly and show just how easy it is to belittle or even erase a woman's achievements. It shouldn't happen, but it does. Frequently.

Being charitable, what I think has happened is that she thinks I am Dr X at work and Mrs Y at home (even though she has asked me before and I’ve said I don’t do that) but if I’m Mrs Y at home, why wouldn’t DH similarly be Dr Y at work and Mr Y at home?

I'd probably be passive agressive and send back to them as 'undelivered as there is no trace of a Mrs (dh name) residing at your address, only a DR (yourname) and DR (dh name)'

I’m tempted to say something, but it would only be that I don’t ever use DH’s name. If I said I only go by ‘Dr’ it would make me sound like a twat. Plus, I do like this person very much and I know she’s only making the assumption because that’s what she does.

You wouldnt sound like a twat OP

Friend: I sent you a card OP but it came back as undelivered
You: oh really? What name did you put on the address
Friend: Dr (DH) and Mrs (DH)?
You: Ah that will be why, I'm registered as Dr (yourname) so that's why its bounced back. Sorry about that.

I'd mention it because bloody Norah, the little things all add up to make the big things.

I won't open post addressed to Mr & Mrs His Initial - our surname (I took his name on marriage) because I'm Ms My initial - our surname. It's petty but i don't care.

@TroublesomeTrucks

I’m tempted to say something, but it would only be that I don’t ever use DH’s name. If I said I only go by ‘Dr’ it would make me sound like a twat. Plus, I do like this person very much and I know she’s only making the assumption because that’s what she does.

You could say something like, "I kept my name so it's Mr hisname and Ms my name, or Dr for both if you want. "

YANBU - If they want to address you formally it should be 'Dr X and Dr Y'. Or they could just put 'Jane Smith and John Brown' informally.

That would really annoy me!

I agree.

Get them telt. 🔫

Tell them.

“Thanks for the card. By the way, it’s Dr Myname, not Mrs Hisnane. I’m never called Mrs Hisname.”