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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To un-invite bf for Xmas

26 replies

AMBE123 · 23/12/2020 13:40

My daughter, son in law and grandson are visiting from abroad for a month and renting a house. Her dad is staying in the house with them so they are all one household. We are in Tier 2.

I live with my adult son who is not sociable and basically stays in his room all the time. We both work from home, him in his bedroom, me in the living room. I am usually in a support bubble with my bf who lives alone. Since my daughter has been over I've barely seen bf (couple of times for a couple of hours chat) and have been only socialising with my daughter either outside or at her house, and babysitting my grandson etc. Effectively our households have been one bubble and I cut down seeing bf because I was seeing daughter.
She has met friends outside but for the last week has been very careful not to add any extra contacts, even outside, because of staying safe for Xmas and because of the new strain.
The plan for Xmas was for my household (me, adult son plus my bf) to go to their house). Relationship with bf is coming up for 4 years but on its last legs. Usually we spend it together, this year he was going to go to his parents while I spend it with my daughter but his parents are now in Tier 4 so that's off. So I said well rather than be alone, come and join us, that's 3 households as my bubble. And I said we should all be extra careful in the run up to Xmas and it would probably be wise if he didn't go to the office or other places if he didn't have to.

Last night I couldn't reach him and it turned out he was at a woman's house, indoors, windows closed, talking. For several hours. I think that's a bit off to start with, this woman is a friend who has always been keen on him but he has always been adamant he is not attracted to her in any way at all. I didn't even think he saw her except if they bumped into each other for their mutual hobby but a few months ago it turned out he saw her quite regularly as a friend but had never thought to mention it. I said at the time it was just odd that he didn't mention it in conversation because most people would. Anyway, more importantly, we are not meant to visiting people indoors at all. Would it be unreasonable of me to cancel him coming for Christmas because he spent yesterday evening with this woman? I don't want to come across like I'm punishing him but he could potentially be putting my family at risk, and if he has mixed with her and she with him, who else have either of them been mixing with? My daughter's dad, although staying with her, is also caring for his dad who is elderly - not close range but doing shopping and stuff.

I'm not at all paranoid about Covid, I've had it myself mildly but I have been really careful all the way through, and when my daughter came over we agreed to be very careful that even though we saw each other, we kept contacts down, even though she wants to catch up with people she hasn't seen for two years, so I just feel like him doing that was disrespectful and really off.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 23/12/2020 13:46

'Talking'? Hmmm.

Polly111 · 23/12/2020 13:52

Sounds like you want to dump him so I’d just do that.

user1493413286 · 23/12/2020 13:53

I’d suggest he go to that woman’s house if he’s happy mixing with her!

Lex345 · 23/12/2020 13:55

I think this is less of a COVID restriction question and more of a why on earth did he go around to a woman's house question.

A woman who is attracted to him. And who he didnt tell you he was mixing with socially.

That would bother me tbh.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 23/12/2020 13:55

Cancel the relationship never mind the visit...
Was he watching a film with her? Because Netflix and chill is code for shagging..

Thehop · 23/12/2020 13:57

If be dumping him

AMBE123 · 23/12/2020 14:01

I don't believe that he would have slept or messed around with her, and I previously believed him when he said he was the opposite of attracted to her (though she looks reasonable to me), but I do have a gut feeling that something (besides Covid) was off about it.
I've had that feeling three times before in my life and was proved right every time.

I'd cut him some slack if he was flirting a bit (but honest about it) because of other things going on in the relationship and we are on the last legs but neither quite wants to cut the cord.

But being round her house just before Xmas and with the Covid situation is just downright rude!
I just don't want to stick the knife in just before Xmas at the end of a really horrible year that has added to our issues.

OP posts:
Lex345 · 23/12/2020 14:03

That being the case, think of it as tying up this year's loose ends. And a lovely fresh start in the New Year Wink

IMNOTSHOUTING · 23/12/2020 14:05

If he didn't physically sleep with him it's obviously off to spend hours inside her home when he knows she's keen on him. I would probably cancel Christmas with him now. It'll be awkward with him there and it could be a lovely time with your daughter and grandkids.

oiwotaluvlyday · 23/12/2020 14:06

Yes , uninvite him. IT sounds as if the relationship is already over.

Neverbeme · 23/12/2020 14:14

Tell him he can bubble up with her.

coldwaterfeed · 23/12/2020 14:16

YANBU, un-invite him.

How come the relationship is dying?

GlowingOrb · 23/12/2020 14:23

If I was your dd, I would expect his invite to be cancelled.

Cocomarine · 23/12/2020 14:26

What’s the point?
It’s over, just end it.

yvanka · 23/12/2020 14:27

Tell him he can bubble up with her.

This would be my response, but I'm petty.

FlamedToACrisp · 23/12/2020 14:32

Definitely dump him now. If you wait until after Christmas, it looks like you only hung on so you'd get pressies!

But don't make the break-up about his evening with her, or you're giving him 'you've misunderstood' wiggle-room. tell him you don't feel the same way about him, you've gradually grown apart and you don't want to carry on.

Even if he's genuinely heartbroken (and it doesn't sound like that's the case), there is no 'better' time of year to break someone's heart, so it makes no difference.

Being happy and loving over Christmas will simply make it more of a shock if you dump him in January - and delaying it gives the opportunity for new reasons why you shouldn't dump him to occur, such as "Well, I can't really dump him now his Mum is so ill..."

AMBE123 · 23/12/2020 14:41

Flamed, I wouldn't have acted lovey dovey over Xmas, we are more like friends at this stage anyway. I'd already said that the way things were and with it being such a weird year he shouldn't splash out on pressies, it should be a 'see our families and just be thankful for it' year. He is as aware of the problems as I am.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 23/12/2020 14:46

How long do you both want to limp along for? Until you loathe each other? Wouldn't it be better to call it a day before it gets to that point?

Nymeriastark1 · 23/12/2020 14:49

@user1493413286

I’d suggest he go to that woman’s house if he’s happy mixing with her!
Yea this ^
nosswith · 23/12/2020 15:18

End it now. Have some dignity.

(and please use paragraphs in future)

HyacynthBucket · 23/12/2020 15:21

YANBU Don't let him near your family at Christmas, as he will have compromised everyone's safety. Tell him now that he won't be joining you, so he has time to make some other arrangement/buy food, wthatever. What you do about the relationship is a separate issue.
Happy Christmas OP.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/12/2020 15:27

If you've been together for 4 years you are surely able to have an honest discussion. You don't want to dump him just before Christmas because you don't want to upset him. Chances are he doesn't want to dump you just before Christmas because he doesn't want to upset you. But you both know it's coming. So there you are still nominally a couple, with this dilemma of who's going to spend the day with whom, when ending things now could be a huge relief for both.

OK, you can't expect he'd necessarily be totally honest about what's going on re: the other woman, but at least you can start with how you both feel about splitting. If you do both want to stay for a bit longer then do, but if you don't, really, just don't.

pilates · 23/12/2020 15:32

You said the relationship is on it’s last legs so I would call it a day.

AMBE123 · 23/12/2020 15:42

Thank you everyone. I've now told him he can't come for Xmas and yes, things aren't getting any better so it's time to rip the plaster off.

Appreciate the opinions and yes, more paragraphs would have been good in the first post!

I won't post back as I don't want this to get loads of posts and stay high on the list.

Thanks, and have a good Xmas everyone whatever you are managing to do.

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 23/12/2020 15:43

Since my daughter has been over I've barely seen bf (couple of times for a couple of hours chat)

Effectively our households have been one bubble and I cut down seeing bf because I was seeing daughter.

I understand that you want to spend time with your daughter, you don't get the chance very often. But I can kind of see his point if he's feeling that you're fine being with him until you get a better offer. Couldn't you have seen DD and BF together occasionally? You'd still be bubbling.

Going to see the woman he did depends. If he was genuinely feeling that you weren't interested and wanted to do something himself under normal circumstances I'd think that was OK. (And maybe he did want to be with someone who clearly is infatuated as an ego boost) Different right now. You know this is heading for the end, maybe he does too and doesn't want to be told he has to avoid the office or anywhere non essential.

I can't get quite as worked up about what he's done as some PPs, but I still think that you can legitimately withdraw the invitation given that it does increase the risk.