About a week ago, my neighbours erected a 15-foot-tall animatronic Satan - sorry, Santa - in their front garden.
It dominates the streets, blocks the view from my front room, and keeps me awake at night.
It is absolutely festooned with flashing fairy lights of a nauseating, Lovecraftian colour - anyone who's seen Color Out Of Space with Nicolas Cage will know exactly what I mean. This colour sickly illuminates my front room and front bedroom, to the extent that I am slowly going as nutzo as Mr Cage does in aforementioned movie.
The Santa's red coat also glows, as does his beard and face, and the bobble of his hat sparkles with all the evil of the Eye of Sauron.
And the noise! Glarg.
The Santa waves its animatronic arms up and down in an unspeakably creepy fashion, and the mechanisms creak and groan and whirr constantly.
The Santa also plays this on a continual loop:
- A shrill, tinnitus-inducing instrumental version of Jingle Bells
- A stentorian bellow of 'Ho! Ho! Ho! MERRRRRRY CHRISTMASSS!' which makes the bin lids rattle made a poor little old man walking past soil himself
- I don't know what this was originally meant to be, as the recording seems to be corrupted, but it emits 30 seconds of an unearthly yodelling/screaming racket, that sounds like a bath full of baby seals being slowly hacked to death by a blunt and rusty machete
- A disturbing, distorted, slowed-down version of Jingle Bell Rock that sounds like an invocation to raise Yog-Sothoth which segues suddenly into Frosty the Snowman sung by a woman who sounds like Shirley Bassey on steroids
- An agonising shriek, followed by five seconds of white noise, then half a minute of BLISSFUL silence before it all begins again
I cannot sleep in my front room, I have tried eye coverings and earplugs to no avail.
I have hammered on their door until my fists bleed but it appears they have gone away for the festive season (we are in Tier 1).
Aaargh!
Should I:
Put up and shut up Because It's Christmas
DOUSE THE SANTA WITH PETROL AND TORCH THE CUNT
I haven't even mentioned the elves. THE ELVES!
?