I Nearly Murdered DP This Morning...

[MitziK]

I'm glad I didn't, obviously, but Fucking Hell.

For context, Stuff Happened in my past (a lot of Stuff ) and combining that with Christmas, working in a plague infested school, a couple of attempted break ins that failed in the last five years, no more than 4-5 hours' sleep a night since September, knowing I'm CV, etc, etc, I sleep the sleep of the Dead once I finally drop off somewhere between 1 and 3am until 5.45am. Dreams? Nah, I'd have to sleep long enough to remember having them.

Until I ended up not having to go to work because the school closed early (yep, Plague again). So I'm sort of sleeping longer and getting a few not very nice dreams. Suppose my brain's got to try and process all the shit at some point and six hours is long enough for it to start happening.

DP woke me up at about 5.30am getting up for work (not deliberately) and I went back to sleep (for a change, as that's when I get up for work normally). Cue one particularly lengthy and unpleasant dream with stuff from the past mixed in. All in Glorious Technicolor and with physical sensations. Marvellous.

At just past 9am, I wake up from deep sleep to what sounded like somebody forcing the front door. After enough time to be properly conscious, it wasn't another Amazon Man unleashing his inner 'I'm in The Sweeney' police raid knock, and it sounded as though they were ransacking downstairs. Only one thing to do in this situation, right? Deal with them by giving them the biggest shock of their life so they run back out of the front door.

I get up, grab the first thing to hand (folding music stand - don't ask) and silently pick my way around the creaking floorboards to the stairs. As I look down them, somebody dressed in all black emerges from behind the spare room door to my right. I howl like a Banshee's pet cat and, brandishing the folded up lump of steel, leap back, ready to smash the stand into the assailant's temple and shove them down the stairs - to see DP with his life currently flashing before his eyes.

He's come home from work as he isn't needed, faffed around opening the front door, clattered around like an utter twat so as to not wake me up and then didn't notice I'd got up because I apparently move like a sixteen stone Fucking Ninja in the house and he was obviously making more noise than usual because he was trying to be quiet. He most probably had his earphones in with Punk Music on at ear destroying volume downstairs anyhow

He got a very lengthy, loud and profanity strewn explanation of what I had thought was going on and what I thought of him for doing it. Had there been a bloke from the Beeb recording it, it would have sounded like I was speaking in Morse Code (I swear on here, not in person, as a rule).

He made me a (too strong) black coffee, brought Paracetamol as my head was banging from being woken up plus some toast and is now hiding upstairs being far more quiet than when he was trying to not wake me up. I'm not sure whether he's up there because he feels guilty about genuinely scaring the crap out of me or because I scared the crap out of him.

Anyhow, the AIBU;

Do I;

YABU: Apologise for scaring and swearing at him (he'll say it's fine)?

or

YANBU: Adopt the DTwatCat's method of dealing with anything vaguely undignified or potentially incriminating and pretend nothing has happened whilst becoming suddenly fascinated by the birds on the feeder in the garden?

I do recognise, of course, that had he come into the bedroom, I might have been equally alarmed, but at least I would have seen it was him instantly, rather than just as a dark shape moving towards me from out of my blind spot.

By the way, it's sort of lighthearted, but I genuinely thought we'd been broken into and I was in danger. Just not as much as he thought he was at the top of the stairs.

@Mustbe3ormorecharacters

I understand this is light hearted and well written BUT you do realise you can’t kill someone for stealing from you? If he had been a burglar and you had killed him you would most likely be arrested.

Yes, my plan (devised in the 45 seconds or so between being woken up, realising there was somebody in the house making noise when DP was at work and having to do something about it) was to make a load of noise suddenly to make any ne'er do wells downstairs run away in fright and, worst case scenario, twatting one in the face if they went for me.

@Mustbe3ormorecharacters

I understand this is light hearted and well written BUT you do realise you can’t kill someone for stealing from you? If he had been a burglar and you had killed him you would most likely be arrested.

I thought this came under 'reasonable force'. Arguably, if a burglar was in your house, they could very well be armed. So what force is 'reasonable'? While I now it could put me on dodgy ground legally, if someone broke into my house and was coming up the stairs (especially if kids were in) I would have no issue using whatever force was necessary to try and at least knock them out til the police came. While hitting someone and pushing someone down the stairs sounds extreme in normal situations, this is not a normal situation!

Reasonable force has never made much sense to me, when reasonable could actually go right up to shooting the person really, depending on the exact circumstances and such! Noones going to be thinking in the moment 'oh, if I do this I could get in trouble, just leave them roaming the house potentially ptting my family at risk' or 'maybe I should hit them with wood instead of metal incase I cause serious injury/death'

Bit of a serious post for a lightearted thread though

I say coming up the stairs because, if I heard someone rummaging about downstairs yet they didn't attempt to come up, I would kind of leave them to it. No point putting yourself in danger for 'things' IMO. Only if they became a threat to people, instead of items, would I react with force. And 'reasonable force' would be the very last thing on my mind in such a situation.

@Bathroom12345

I am interested in the rottie. They are very good guard dogs and ours who has now gone to Rainbow Bridge only really barked ONCE when someone was in our front garden looking into the car.

My DH rushed out with her shouting 'rottweiler loose, run for your life'.

Bar that situation she didnt make a sound, the postman didnt think we even had a dog. She wouldnt bark at the door bell although any visitors would come and and turn around she would be silently behind them!

Haha, DH had a chocolate fireguard rottweiler once. This was before we got together. Someone had broken into his/ex house, dog shot off first to check on the noise, DH followed. To find burglar stroking the fucking dog and the dog licking his hand Legged it when DH appeared, but the idea of getting a rottweiler to basically use as a guard dog (along with other reasons) did not work out well for him!

@MitziK
I was awoken by my Lurcher growling menacingly at 3am
I heard what sounded like an intruder destroying masonry.
I bawled out WHO’SE THERE!!
And the scraping stopped, only to resume.

I grabbed the hoover muzzle on its tube and powered by adrenaline and a silent but meaning business dog went to attack the intruder.

It was my fucking mental neighbors hacking plaster off the party wall at 3am!
I was furious, shaking, and I hit the hoover against the wall, with a few choice words.

Broke the hoover.

I too have had people break in to my room as a teen when I was in bed, so I know how it makes one feel.

I used to keep a Grandsfors Bruks splitting axe in my room but decided it could be used against me..
so it stays with the wood.
Adrenaline makes one act on impulse.

@VulvaPerson Reasonable force is so dodgy because the charge you might face depends on the outcome of the situation which is information you don’t have when making the decision of which force is reasonable.
You just need to justify the force you used and why, the best way is to make informed decisions that you can justify after the fact.
For example, I called the police and told the intruder they are on the way but he kept coming upstairs. I told him children are in the house and told him I would protect them but he kept coming. You are giving the intruder the option to leave before defending yourself.

Not sure about the noisy husband, but you my dear should get a book deal. Merry Christmas!

Oh @MitziK I’m sorry, but I can’t stop laughing!

I do want to ask about the music stand though. Why? Do you perform nightly recitals when you cannot sleep? Perhaps moonlit piano lessons would provide a cure for my insomnia!

Re dogs, A whippet and Lurcher both scared intruders away, but hardly ever barked.

They would sum up situation first.

A silent dog can be better at defending than all mouth and no trousers in my experience?

Jack Russells are fiesty buggers too.

I don’t know, but it made me laugh so thanks for sharing

Embrace the ninja. Go on a training course (they have them, right?). People will always need ninjas.

This is so funny @MitziK. Friends in parts of USA would just have shot him, planning the funeral with all the neighbours saying it was his own fault.

@StuckInPollyannaMode

Oh *@MitziK* I’m sorry, but I can’t stop laughing!

I do want to ask about the music stand though. Why? Do you perform nightly recitals when you cannot sleep? Perhaps moonlit piano lessons would provide a cure for my insomnia!

I used to be an instrumental tutor/audio engineer and sometime performer, and DP was a reasonably successful professional musician before the world imploded, so the entire house is littered with random instrumental paraphenalia.

It was either the music stand or a 1930s banjo off the wall - the rather hefty set of oak handled sleigh bells would have been an altogether too noisy, albeit seasonably appropriate, choice of weaponry.

Oh I'm sorry OP I shouldn't laugh but this actually happened more often in my house than it should.

I have no particular awful experience but I do have a heightened sense of safety awareness form soending the beginning if my working life in prisons , rehab, detox etc. I spent a long time in places that many people would not be silly enough to go. Add to that years of restraint training I tend to go into fight rather than flight (except for the errant mouse when I was pregnant with ds1.....ran and screamed like ...well a 7 month pregnant woman)

After being with exdh for nearly 15 years and time went in and we split and much later DP moved in. Trouble was , DP is tall and medium build and exdh was short and wide do their silhouettes were very different ,my brain was used to the latter being safe. Add to that DP had spent his working life on night shifts in hospitals and dementia wards so he walks like a sodding cat crossed with a ninja (I may tie a bell to him).

This has resulted in several screams as the nearest missile is launched at him as he comes to bed after me. On one disturbing occasion I turned over and told him to f off he was in the wrong bed and to go home. Then went back to sleep.

I think he was more mildly concerned I would do this with an actual intruder. Just go back to sleep and deal with it in the morning.

Poor man spent months dodging cups , plates , in one case I managed to stop myself throwing a golf club (in my defense he had been away working for two weeks and it was under the bed just in case ).

I got irrationally angry at him for not announcing himself. Totally unfair and now he still makes an effort to be noisy if I'm extra tired and look like I'm concentrating. Poor soul kept apologising.

Its settled down now my brain has caught up to the right figure shape. He did though a few weeks ago make me jump out of his skin by coming home from a week away and going straight upstairs for a moment , as a few seconds passed I came through the hall to see a figure come down the stairs from what I thought was an empty upstairs , he instantly started apologising. Poor bugger

I have a plan in case anyone breaks in, the DC always end up in our bed so grab them and the dog and put them in the dressing room grab sword from dressing room (DH ex army so it’s his ceremonial sword but looks impressive!) and put myself in front of the door whilst phoning police and telling them I’m armed in hope that it would speed up response. All of this is based on the fact that DH always sodding falls asleep on the sofa & despite his insistence that he would wake up if anyone broke in I’ve managed to get downstairs, let the dog out and start making a coffee without disturbing him! Plus the dog (border terrier) is a big baby and would just hide bless him - actually quite grateful for this as one less thing to worry about! - it looking after him should keep the DC calmer as they’d have something to do. Have possibly thought about this too much 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

Glad you and your DH have made up!

I'm glad he apologised first - that must have been really anxiety inducing in the first place!
I know exactly what you mean about him making more noise by "trying to be quiet" than otherwise! Mine's the same.

I voted YANBU but it's only fair to apologise for nearly braining him, AFTER he apologised for scaring you.

God OP, you should write books, I'd buy them and give them to my friends at Christmas 😂

MY vague understanding of the "reasonable force" thing is that if you feel obliged to defend yourself with some form of weaponry, in self defence of course, then it had best be something random that you grab in the moment, not some ACTUAL weapon. So sleeping with baseball bats, hammers (if you're not doing any reconstruction work), actual assault weapons etc. is not a good plan, as these would not be considered "the first thing that comes to hand".
Smacking someone with a music stand though - that's not an ideal choice of weapon in the first place, so would probably stand as a "self-defence first thing that came to hand" item.
I had a maglite torch as well - because that's a perfectly reasonable thing to keep by the bed.

However, I'm not by any means sure of this situation - that's just my understanding of it!

I’d have to have gone this route just for the statement to the Police ...

OK, the oak handled wall-mounted sleighbells have now officially finished me off!

DD's Christmas present is a folding music stand, although it's wrapped up and would be a shame to have to spoil it.

Do the cat thing.😺

Stick your tail in the air and style it out.
Nothing to see here.

Although I think you may have frightened the bejesus out of him too!

Another mug of tea has arrived.

He wants to know how I am completely unperturbed by the DTwatCats' nighttime shenanigans, fox cubs rampaging down the street, Robins doing their Come and Get Me if You Think You're Hard Enough routine in the morning (when my alarm clock sound is also birdsong), the local Crow vs Shitehawk wars where the Crows muster troops on the roof directly above our bedroom windows, random dogs barking and all other animal related racket.

Meh, they're animals, so nothing to worry about. It wakes me up if it's different (like Tawny Owls in the tree opposite over the first lockdown or a horse clip clopping down the road), but it's not anything to concern myself with. Same way I can sleep whilst he's recording.

Animals and musicians aren't a danger. Means that all a burglar has to do is make themselves sound like a cat chasing a mouse whilst playing a mandolin and they could probably steal the entire downstairs without me batting an eyelid, though.

Many years ago staggering drunkly home with a friend at midnight, someone jumped out at us from an alley. I headbutted him (never did it before or since - drunken panic moment). Hard enough to hear a crack. Blood pumping out his nose.

Turned out to be my bf who thought it would be funny. Ha joke was on him! Split up shortly after that funnily enough.

A scared woman is a powerful being!

@VulvaPerson

This is well written, and am smiling despite it clearl being a stressful situaton for you!

I would apologise, but also expect an apology back for the reverse creeping jesus thing as he scared you as much as you scared him.

DSD is a creeping jesus, and she has scared the shit out of me multiple times by just seemingly floating to the spot right behind me, then I turn round and crap myself

Creeping Jesus 😂😂😂

I walk one of two ways - loudly, so loud my neighbours complain.

This makes it especially creepy when I float up behind people. As they usually hear me coming.

It's very fun and just depends on how I place my feet (heels vs toes)

@Bathroom12345

I am interested in the rottie. They are very good guard dogs and ours who has now gone to Rainbow Bridge only really barked ONCE when someone was in our front garden looking into the car.

My DH rushed out with her shouting 'rottweiler loose, run for your life'.

Bar that situation she didnt make a sound, the postman didnt think we even had a dog. She wouldnt bark at the door bell although any visitors would come and and turn around she would be silently behind them!

Oh mine makes herself known The local DPD driver refers to her as "The Beast", we keep the door shut between the kitchen and the front door so she cant harass the letterbox but the kitchen window is right there so you see her puffing her shoulders out if you come to the door. If we're upstairs and someone knocks she runs down 3/4s and jumps the rest and shoulder barges the door, apparently you can see it bend around her weight

I know the difference between her barks though, she has a playful bark when she's getting pissy that she's not winning games, the someones near the house and I'm a twat bark, and the bark that is serious and deep and there is someone up to no good and she is on it. You would be stupid to break into our house.

In terms of reasonable force, I dont care, if you run faster than me and the dog then you can leave. I'm not waiting to find out if you've broken in to steal my TV or to rape, torture and murder me. I would rather argue self defence because I've killed someone who was only trying to steal all my valuable possessions and leave me terrified and in shit unable to work, than have me and my dog tortured and murdered. You break into someones house, you take the risk.

I have the greatest disrespect for anyone who comes into MY house intent on stealing my things. I dont tend to care about someone who broke into a house, and then found themselves in front of a baseball bat.

I really really dont.