To think midwife is fobbing me off? *TW* mention of rape.

[Worriedandabitscared]

Good morning,

Sorry about the grim post so close to Christmas but I wanted to post in here as people tend to be more up front and honest than they are in pregnancy and I'm not sure if I need a reality check.

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and 6 weeks ago at my midwife appointment she asked me if I had any concerns about birth etc and I said I would like to speak to someone about the pros and cons of birth vs c section as when I was 14-18 (28 now) I was in a very abusive relationship where I was constantly raped (I don't know why I didn't leave, I was young and stupid) and whilst I know childbirth is different to being raped (obviously!) I'm worried about the psychological trauma that being in that much pain around my private parts and having multiple people around looking and touching my vagina would cause and I wouldn't want it affecting my bond with my baby, the reason I even mentioned it to her was because I had an internal the week before which hurt a lot as I had an infection and it made me feel weird and made me think about the previous relationship so she just said "okay" and that was that and I'm too shy to speak up.

At my next appointment I brought it up again as my husband said I needed to be brave and see if I could have the conversation and all the midwife said was "they don't do c sections routinely, vaginal birth is safer for baby and you don't want him to get hurt, do you?" Which obviously made me feel a bit shit, of course I don't want my baby to get hurt but I also want to protect my MH and I hadn't said I definitely want a c section as I know there's risks involved and it certainly isn't the easy way out but I wanted to discuss it with a professional.

The perinatal team came round on Monday and I mentioned it to them and they said they'd email my midwife who I saw on Tuesday and it was the same thing, she just reiterated that vaginal birth is better so it leads me to think I am being unreasonable but it's really stressing me out.

Please can someone give me a little reassurance that I should be okay? It's just so stressful, as if birth wasn't hard enough I need to worry about it triggering things I thought I was over, it's annoying too as I don't want to give my abuser any head space but it's so hard not to

You have every right to talk through your birth options and have all of your concerns heard and considered. You also have have every right to make active choices about what kind of birth will be best for you and your baby. Your midwife is not addressing those rights. It makes me so angry when women with perfectly valid concerns are fobbed off like this. I'm sorry op, she's letting you down.

@Worriedandabitscared - your midwife's response is unacceptable. You are brave and strong and you need to use that now to get a new midwife and/or a consultant. Someone who can walk you through all your choices and affirm your right to make a decision that works for you.

What you are asking for is perfectly acceptable, reasonable and understandable. Will be thinking of you.

Also do midwives and HCPs working in birth not have any training in trauma-informed care? Given around 1 in 5 of their patients will have a history of trauma or abuse you would hope son

Thank you so much everyone, I feel a lot better just knowing I'm not being unreasonable and like a PP has said, it's not really about wanting an ElCS but to actually feel listened to and supported and being helped to actually make the right decision, I think I'd have felt awful going into labour and having all these thoughts running through my head. I'm waiting for a call back from the head midwife at my local trust so hopefully she'll be able to help, thank you all again for giving me the confidence to actually push for this

Hope you all have a lovely festive period, I already feel like a bit of a weight has been lifted so I hope this lady can help x

Honestly, there were multiple HCPs wearing me like a glove. It’s just as you’re imagining it.

If you think it’ll be traumatic it will be, hope they give you the support you need and deserve.

That's good news you've escalated it and hopefully it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. I'm confident you will get the support you need going forward to make the right choices for you.

Well done OP.
She is an extremely poor mid wife that isn't doing her job, which is to listen to the patient, not spout "hospital policy".

Re the internal.

You are not alone in your feelings and I do not have any adverse history.

The very best of luck.

I came on to say that I had my section for mental health reasons. Physically I could have given birth twice a day every day for a week but my mental health was pretty shaky.
I see that you're waiting for the head midwife to call you back, that's brilliant
Have a great Christmas and all the best for 2021 with your lovely wee new person x

Don’t know if you’re near either London or Glasgow, but these maternity clinics are specifically run to support people who have experienced sexual trauma.

www.mybodybackproject.com/our-maternity-clinics/

Might be worth contacting them for some advice. At 14 you were a child, this was not your fault ❤️.

I was raped on 2 occasions and have had 2 vbacs which didn't cause me any rape related trauma.

What I found unexpectedly traumatic was doing the MRI tests for my cystocele and rectocele. When I spoke to my female specialist about the trauma she was so utterly shite, it made it worse. Male rectum specialist was brilliant though and his examination was my idea of hell.

Basically it's important to be able to trust them and they have to show they are trustworthy. Your midwife has failed there.

You absolutely have the right request a c section. www.birthrights.org.uk/factsheets/right-to-a-c-section/ I am so angry on your behalf. I’m so sorry this happened to you

Update - the head midwife called me back and was really nice and said I'm not being listened to and she understands my concerns, she's going to ask a member of her team to call me back whose a midwife and a perinatal practitioner who can look at my concerns from both the midwife side and the mental health side and she'll email my midwife a reminder to listen to concerns people have (I'm sure midwife will know it's me who complained but I don't care, I didn't lie or even complain so the head midwife must have thought the same as everyone else)

Again thank you so much everyone, glad I posted here as it really gave me the confidence to call as I'm really not the "speak to the manager" kind of person I actually feel listened to now and that's half the battle x

Great news, Worried. Fingers crossed for a positive outcome.

Well done you!

I'm really pleased to hear this. All the best for the future.

That’s brilliant OP, I hope you can now go on to have the sensible discussions you need to have.

A word of warning though it is worth taking an advocate with you to these appointments (if you can at the Covid moment) my care improved immeasurably once I did that. That makes me cross to right but is unfortunately true.

Great news OP!

I'm sorry for the experiences that you have had. Pregnancy can be of an anxious time even if one doesn't have a history of trauma. It is possible that your midwife is not aware of of the research showing that women who have been sexually abused are more likely to be triggered by childbirth. She probably needs some professional development and if you provide her feedback on how her dismissive attitude made by you feel she will be able to reflect on this so that she can improve her practice. Perhaps you could ask for a new midwife and for support from the perinatal MH team. A doula might also be a good option. All the best.

A friend had the exact same experience recently and was actually diagnosed with PTSD as her ex partner didn’t take no for an answer.

The midwifes were lovely with her and they did a lot of her appointments at the hospital as she worked out in a clinical setting she was more comfortable. Hopefully you might be the same.

100% request to speak to another midwife, if you need a stretch and sweep it can be done at the hospital with your partner there for support (they allowed it for my friend knowing how stressed she was)

Sending hugs and hopefully you can get it sorted

Actually a c-section is much safer for your baby. Your midwife is wrong.

OP, sounds like yours wasn’t the first complaint of this nature unfortunately.

I hope you are able to find a birth plan that works for you. I’m glad you felt able to take your issues further. I’m sorry it happened in the first place though.