To have been honest but still feel guilty?

[Friedrice13]

Wide awake feeling guilty. So I hope some kind replies will arrive.

I'm in a relationship and have been for 8 years. We have children that are 3 and 6. We have a mortgage but are not married.

I don't know how it's happened. But slowly since our second child we've become what I can only guess is friends and completely lost all romantic connections. We haven't had a sex life and I'm talking counting on one hand in 4 years. We don't have any opportunities to go out for dates or times for ourselves. We have started in the last year doing our own thing and we don't sleep in the same bed. We've stopped kissing. Stopped sitting and talking and have become parents raising our children. But on such different courses it's felt personally to me like even parenting alongside him is hard. Without feeling like we are a couple I've learned to be alone.

He is like a friend and there is no hate. No desire to have a horrible split and fight. No nastiness at all. Infact it makes me sad this has happened. But it is what it is.

Lately homelife has felt chaotic. It's been lonely and same old. As we've grown apart it feels like we don't give our kids the best that we could if we were in love properly and wanting to be with eachother happily.

In June I started to have my doubts and we had a conversation back then. It was pleasant but I said I felt we were just friends. He half acknowledged the problems and half said it would get better again.

But it hasn't.

I have become friends with a man where I work. Known him a couple of years and work has meant we've been in close contact since November last year. He is not the reason behind any of this. But he is someone I have everything in common with. We've had cups of tea and chats every week. Gradually we've become like best friends who eventually got feelings and have not acted on them but we have talked and said we see something for the future.

Monday night after another lonely weekend I sat my partner down. I told him we had to acknowledge where we were AT. we talked. We sat at the table and ibsaid everything and all the areas that were not healthy or normal for us as a family. He understood alot of it. I said truthfully I loved him as a friend and didn't want any sadness or hate. It was a sad conversation and yet we spoke honestly and it was acknowledged that it was looking like the end. We are not making any huge changes at all right now. There's no huge rush. We just need to digest everything and try and give the children the best we can until we can go out own separate ways financially in the future.

Yesterday I finally spoke to my best friend about how it's been. I've not told family or anything. So it's been something I've been muddling along with putting on a face. Telling my friend made me realise it's not healthy or normal anymore. It's just not working. But it also made me feel guilt for my partner. Acknowledging we were not ok to our friend was awful after all the years.

I told my friend about the man I'm just so naturally interested in. I told her how we just talk. We just laugh. We have not touched eachother and won't be doing anytime soon. It may never become anything. She understood it all. She said it's life. Feelings change and I just have to do what's right for me and the kids.

But it all feel so horrible. I'm currently awake going over what I'm doing. I've always been drama free and straight forward. The thought of telling my parents that we have not worked out makes me feel sick. His parents will be so shocked too and all family for that matter. But I know I'll be a better person and mum for not just muddling through each day not truly feeling a unit. I'm also worried my partner hasn't fully taken it seriously.

Just need a talk. Please be gentle.

You need to completely separate your thoughts / feelings from the other man to get an accurate perspective. You dont say whether you have tried to make it work with DP, moving to friends is common after many years together but thats because everything becomes routine. If you want to rekindle what you had there is nothing stopping you apart from you both making the effort.

If you truely feel you have done all the above then you separating is probably the right decision. It will be a deeply upsetting time for DC, you will need to be there for them without being distracted by the other man.

As for disappointed parents and family you cant control that, Its part of life. Your happiness needs to be based on your own metrics for success and values not other people.

From previous experience with friends i would say it is very likely that DP hasnt taken it seriously.

Good luck OP, hope ot all works out for you

I think you're doing the right thing. You've nothing to feel guilty for. Your feelings will get stronger as this situation continues so facing up to it now is the brave thing to do. Don't still be in this in 5 years time.

I understand, have been there. I'm divorced with a child and also had a very close best friend at work who I fell in love with because we had absolutely everything in common whereas aside from our daughter I had nothing in common with my husband. Our divorce was amicable and we are friendly with each other and I still visit in-laws.

Two things I must say. My romance at work did not work out, even though it seemed absolutely perfect on paper, so don't let your feelings for the man at work cloud your judgment. And single parenting is very hard.

I wouldn't rush into a split even though you have grown apart.

Thank you for the replies. We've tried but it's honestly not feeling natural at all. We've stopped all the intimate things and even a cuddle feels unnatural.

How to explain the other man?. The feelings for my partner were this way long before our feelings became anything. He's definitely not the reason, because I honestly hate what's happened and wouldn't be throwing my family away for a crush at all. I have my eyes wide open and don't see a definite anything with this man. But yes he's become a person I could see myself spending time with if I was fully single.

I feel like we had this lovely few years together and as we've got older we've just lost the spark naturally. We have one life and I want to do what is best for everyone. It feels very horrible but I think that's because I don't want to upset or hurt anyone.

I feel like we are unproductive around eachother. There's no come on let's go do this anymore. Which often makes me feel we waste so much time. Plus we just have become moaners to eachother.

I feel we've tried but the spark isn't there at all now. But I don't enjoy how I am feeling as it's not like anything huge has happened.

Thanks again.

You’ve said that you want to do what’s best for everyone but haven’t mentioned your children much. I’m assuming they’ll be pretty upset as their world is turned upside down.

As others have said, you’ll be a single mum and that’s the headspace you need to get into without the work friend in the picture - he shouldn’t meet the kids for a good few months. Your focus will need to be on the children.

Thing is, OP, when kids come along if you don't put the effort in the romance in a relationship often does die down. If you had kids with new man and didn't set aside time for your relationship and make it a priority, odds are this would happen again.

She didn’t say she would introduce her coworker to her kids in fact, if you read the post properly she said nothing may come of it at all so that assumption is all on you not that the OP has said it

Also, I totally understand the kids life’s will not be the same and a bit up in the air for a while but is it not better for kids to have 2 happy parents separated than have 2 miserable ones together for their sake? I know that when I got older and if one of my parents were that unhappy I would feel heartbroken and wracked with guilt that they only stayed together for us and not each other.

Whatever happens OP you’ve done nothing wrong and hope it works out for you no matter what happens and you and your kids are happy.

OP. I'm going to say something that perhaps you don't want to hear. The feelings for the man DO have a lot to do with it. You'd still be plodding along if it's wasn't for that. I think you should try counselling with current partner. Then you'll know you would have tried everything. Things are unlikely to be different with anyone else after 8 years and two kids, if neither of you put in any effort to work on the relationship.

It is sad when a relationship ends, it's worst to waste your life. You need to get Christmas over and go your separate ways and be happy and alive. You will all benefit, and if something becomes of your friendship that's fine too,

@username500000000

OP. I'm going to say something that perhaps you don't want to hear. The feelings for the man DO have a lot to do with it. You'd still be plodding along if it's wasn't for that. I think you should try counselling with current partner. Then you'll know you would have tried everything. Things are unlikely to be different with anyone else after 8 years and two kids, if neither of you put in any effort to work on the relationship.

I agree with this.

You need to tell the children about the divorce and be there for them

You need to start divorce proceedings and sort the finances

Once all the above is sorted you might be able to start something with your work colleague - but do you really want to date a work colleague?

I am not married. Divorce proceedings are not a part of it.

New man is my friend. He's not in the children's lives at all and wouldn't be unless he became a solid part of mine.

It's not really therapy. We've got no passion or desire for eachother. We don't talk or what the same things. We've got used to not being intimate.

I've known this new chap for 13 months. I've not had sex for nearly 2 years. I've had sex 4 times in almost 4 years. We've not kissed or anything for 2 years. We've not been out to do anything for 18 months and only 3 times since the littlest one. I've only had stronger feelings for this man gradually over this year. But he's not in my future plans to be snapped up as my next man. I think I am struggling to explain. But he's made me realise the following.

You should want to talk and look forward to sitting down for a talk.

Even if you don't have sex you should be able to kiss, sit closely on the sofa, enjoy films and food together.

Even when we were on holiday 18 months ago we didn't sleep in the same bed.

My children will always be my main priority. Everything I do is for them. Me and their dad would be friends and always get along for them. We'd never make them unhappy. Neither of us need to move out or make and bold statements right now. I just feel we need to live as friends and go from there. But it doesn't make it easier.

You are in a good position in that you’ve no messy divorce to go through, you just need to split up.
Have you thought about where you will live , how you will do school/work, can you afford to live alone, how often DP will have the kids ?
Have you discussed when the split will happen ?

I would try not to put any stock in your feelings for this new guy. At the moment he's just a guy you get on well with and have a mutual crush on, it's more than likely if you did get together you'd find you were incompatible or you'd fizzle out in the same way in a few years.

You are definitely not unreasonable to be unhappy in your relationship as it is. I guess your only consideration is whether you can give your current relationship a really good try or whether it's past saving. From your post (and I could be misinterpreting) in July you told your partner you weren't happy but left the ball in his court to solve the issues. I think to really try and save the relationship it would require more effort on both sides - perhaps counselling, making sure you set aside time for each other, lots and lots of honest conversations. Is this something you'd both be willing to try?

If neither of you think the relationship can be saved then yes it is sad, people will be surprised and saddened when you tell them but it's not acrimonious and it sounds like you both want the best for the kids so if you're careful and plan your coparenting well there's no reason it can't work out fine for all of you.

I would plan the separation now, before you are so fed up that you become bitter. I've been in a very similar situation to yours years ago. In the end, the children adapt and if their parents are happy, they find happiness as well.

After years of being just friends, I felt a great relief when I was finally separated and able to move on

You should want to talk and look forward to sitting down for a talk.

Even if you don't have sex you should be able to kiss, sit closely on the sofa, enjoy films and food together.

Relationships when you've got kids take work, OP. I've got a two year old and a newborn at the moment and the other day as we both sat on our phones in the living room, I realised that we've been just co-ordinating life and kids and not taking the time to connect anymore. So I've made a conscious choice to put down the phone and chat. It's obviously tricky to get out for dates and what have you at the moment but it is something to focus on where possible, even if it's just going for a walk together. Relationships go through stages, and the flirtation stage right at the beginning is often more fun than the established relationship where you've got to juggle work, life, housework, kids and bills etc.

Obviously, if you both think you've given it a shot and it's beyond saving, do what you have to, but from your posts it sounds very much like you just feel the spark has gone and have jumped to ending it as a solution rather than actually working on it. Apologies if that's not the case.

I don't feel I've not tried. I feel like when I've tried he's too tired. We just are never in the right mood to want the same things. It's hard. It's just I'm early 30s and don't even have a cuddle In bed anymore.

The new man and I get on really well and if we did eventually start something why would I feel This way likely about him or anyone else for that matter in a few years? I think for what it's worth if a relationship is happy you don't feel the way I do.

I know life with young children is hard too. I've got a 6 and 3 year old. So I'm not new to the demand. But I also don't want to waste years bored, lonely and craving adult time.

As I say it's sad but I don't physically feel that way anymore. I told him the other night I love him but for some reason I don't feel after such a long time natural about sex with him. I'm trying not to sound horrible or unkind. But I just cringe about us having sex now. He feels so much like a friend and not a lover.

What a nightmare. No I could not afford to live alone as I only work part time. Only 12 hours a week and the rest I do childcare and house duties. Works well for the age the kids are at.

Nothing to feel guilty about, but I think you need to step away from your feelings about the new guy to deal with your current situation clearly.

If you decide your relationship is at an end you need to research what needs doing to amicably separate (you aren’t married so more vulnerable financially) and once you have the lay of the land in early NY sit your partner down and work it out together.

Once you have a path forward then you can think c what you want in your new life, whether you decide to move on or try and work things out.

The new man and I get on really well and if we did eventually start something why would I feel This way likely about him or anyone else for that matter in a few years? I think for what it's worth if a relationship is happy you don't feel the way I do.

This is unrealistic. You get on well wth this man now but you don't have an intimate relationship and you have no idea how the relationship would be in a few years. If you do eventually get together you almost inevitably will have issues down the line (most relationships do). Perhaps you'll have mismatched sex drives, perhaps he's lazy around the house or very tidy around the house and nags you to be tidier. He might feel differently about how to parent the kids than you do. You'll be tired and grumpy with each other some times, you'll be stressed with work and not spend as much time together as you should. Resentments can creep in to even good relationships.

I agree with PP that all relationships take work. That doesn't mean all are worth saving but you should be realistic about future relationships. Pinning all your hopes on this new guy would be a mistake - he could be the one for you - but most early relationships don't last the distance. He's new and exciting now, you get on well and look forward to seeing each other but that isn't enough to build a life on.

You’ve got the ick. Resentment will follow.
Time to sort out how you will separate.
Don’t look back in 5, 10 years time and wish you’d gone earlier.

This is so sad. I suspect that although you don’t realise it this ‘new man’ is where you are focussing your interesting conversations and ‘best self’. Because of this your current relationship which was already shaky is likely to be withering and dying. If you refocus all your energy and good conversation and ‘best self’ to your current partner you will at least have given it your best shot. You say you and your current partner get on well and there isn’t any animosity rather a sense of friendship. In light of this you will be destroying your children’s family set up so you as an individual can have something better. Your children currently have two parents who aren’t at war but are more like friends. From their point of view that is surely better than a family split so one parent can feel a bit happier.