Shared parenting

[Molly2008]

Hi I just wanted to know if people believe that shared parents should be split between both parents or if the step-parent should be included in any arrangements.

I have always felt that if DC are to spend time with ExDH he should actually be there. So AIBU??

Not entirely sure what you're asking.

My DH and his XW have 50/50 custody of their 2DC. If he had to work out of town for a week or so we'd offer custody time to his XW but if he just had to work an extra day of OT etc on the weekend they'd stay with me as per the agreement.

What's the issue you're having with XH at the moment? Maybe if you're more clear we could help with some answers.

Ok we don't currently have 50/50 our arrangements have always been scheduled around his work commitments.

But now he has a long term partner should that change so that the children spend time there even if he is scheduled to work. He is a shift worker if that makes things clearer. 12/12 shifts.

To make matters more complicated one child is keen to increase contact and the other isn't. Not really an issue happy to please one and not the other but don't want the GF to think she's the unpaid babysitter.

I think this is quite dependent on the situation m, ages, relationship with parents parents etc.

In general terms though I would expect a child to be cared for by their parent mainly, unless there was something like a long term close relationship with a step-parent or parental needs that meant other people need to support with care.

How old are your children op?

They are 11 & 8. Eldest would like more contact youngest not at all bothered. Feeling a bit confused as to how to keep everyone happy.

And whether I'm being unreasonable insisting that XH must be there the majority of the time. DS not the easiest of children and feel it would be wrong to burden the GF even though XH & DS see no problem with this.

DD ( just 6 ) has had the odd day with just exDPs wife. If he has to work when he is having her, I always offer the time to her as both her and DD enjoy spending time together just as there are times she is working and DD gets time with just her dad. They currently have no DC of their own.

You say you don't want to burden the GF but have you actually asked her if she'd like the DC on her own?

Unless the partner has specifically offered it shouldn't even be being considered. It's her choice and no one else's.

Why is DS keen to be there even though his dad isn’t there.

Personally I’d think it makes sense for them to be with a parent if a parent is available to care for them, rather than a step parent. Obviously a one off where a step parents helps looking after them is one thing but for them to be regularly leaving one parent who is available look after them just to be cared for by the other parents partner doesn’t make sense to me.

Generally yes, he should be there.

If she had to cover the odd day and the kids are ok with it, then no harm. But not regularly - it’s their father they need to see.

I would say it's totally reasonable to want a consistent access arrangement so you're able to plan work or other commitments in advance. That said I don't think you need to worry about how he sorts out childcare when the children are with him. Maybe his girlfriend is happy to look after them maybe not - definitely up to him and her though.

Me and exdp have 50/50 shared care. Ex works full time and isn't in another relationship as yet so the kids spend a lot of time with their grandparents. It's still in the best interest of the kids for them to spend 50% of their time at their dads as they were used to being with us both until we split and if they were with me full time they would miss out on mornings and evenings with dad. I work part time and have a dh who helps me when I have to work evenings on my week to have them. Their dad doesn't mind as he still gets his time with them and he knows I care for them during most of my time and that I will always make them my priority. I wouldn't mind if my kids were looked after by a new partner once he's settled as I know ex will always make sure his none working time is spent on them. I guess it just depends on the people and the kids. If my kids weren't happy then we would have to change things. This way it also means I get to pick up overtime on my week without the kids and save for their future whereas if I had to sort childcare around his work I wouldn't be able too and would have rely on child support. So yeah it works for us.