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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For wanting to meet up with dsis?

14 replies

pastaparadise · 22/12/2020 21:54

More of a WWYD than a AIBU...

We're in a tier 3 area and have been for months. In a support bubble with dm, who's widowed, early 80s, with dementia (still at home with carers visiting). Dsis and her family are in a tier 2 area several hours drive away. She hasnt seen dm since early sept when we went into tier 3. She wants to visit for xmas day with her family ie drive up late xmas eve to arrive after midnight, then leave late xmas day. I understand this to be within the rules. Her family has been self isolating since the kids finished school last friday (she works outside the home but has taken annual leave to reduce risk).

Since the rules all changed dp is now reluctant for them to visit us and stay overnight, feeling it puts us at risk (he is 51 but no health conditions). I feel awful telling them they cant stay as no idea when dsis will next be able to see mum - she's gone downhill a lot since march so who know what she'll be like by spring. Them going to stay at mum's isnt really an option as the hob has been disconnected due to fire risk, they'd have to take all food with them and prepare it etc- i think it would be a miserable xmas day for my neices. My dc would also love to see their cousins.

WIBU to say they can stay wirh us, as although it's not advised, i see it as low risk? I feel more at risk of infecting dm as I'm still having to go out shopping etc. Dp just thinks we should blanket follow advice to not mix. Feel really stuck.

OP posts:
pastaparadise · 22/12/2020 22:27

Anyone??

OP posts:
Zoecarter · 22/12/2020 22:36

I personally think your husband is wrong especially given your mums health if for some reason she’s unable to see her after Xmas and something bad happens it would be the end of your relationship I couldn’t forgive you. Plus’s she will need to go food shopping tomorrow

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 22/12/2020 22:48

This is totally within the rules and exactly what my parents are doing to allow them to come up for Christmas. If anything the risk is for them coming from tier 2 to 3. I personally think your husband is being ridiculous, unless there is a back story?

Onekidnoclue · 22/12/2020 22:51

I think your husband is being ott. The risks are to your mum first and then probably your sister. If this visit is in their best interests then let it go ahead.

DeRigueurMortis · 22/12/2020 22:51

Well arriving after midnight is an interesting twist on the rules but not technically breaking them.

I'll be honest in that myself and family have been very strict on following guidelines and I'm generally unimpressed with people breaking them.

That said there are many families facing very challenging decisions - especially where time is a factor.

In your situation I would allow your sister to visit and I think your DH is being unreasonable.

They've isolated before hand to reduce risk.

The vaccine will take some time to roll out and sadly your mothers condition is degenerative.

I think you should have her for Christmas Day.

pastaparadise · 23/12/2020 00:21

Thanks for your thoughts. I feel so stuck between upsetting dsis, and pissing off dh who's worried about getting long covid. No particular back story - everyone gets on as a rule, but dh is quite an introvert who would like christmas day just our family in normal circumstances, and isnt close to his family so i dont think he understands the desire to see each other. He thinks we've been careful and had no one in the house since march, so why would we change now, especially when this new strain is spreading fast and a vaccine is hopefully not too far away.

But it feels too far away still - there will be no safer time for dsis to visit until spring (lockdown imminent, kids back at school, her working etc), and mums GP surgery has 'no idea' when vaccinations will be available. This whole thing is casting such a horrible shadow over xmas for me.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/12/2020 01:03

The rules are the rules.

Except...

I genuinely think in these kinds of 'welfare' cases, you have to do what you think is right for your family.

It's not like you're having a party. Dementia is a horrible disease and this may really help your mum.

Tea3 · 23/12/2020 01:07

Let them come and enjoy your Christmas

StatisticalSense · 23/12/2020 01:33

If DH isn't happy with it and has consistently been behaving similarly I don't think you can have them to stay. If someone isn't comfortable with the risk of something that has been advised against that needs to take priority unfortunately.

brownmunde · 23/12/2020 01:34

Your DP is being selfish. Let them come and stay.

Justsocross · 23/12/2020 01:47

I would do it . I know there are risks but you are all planning and being sensible . Life can change dramatically and your sister needs to see her mum . And I say this as someone at very high risk and like you I would do it xxx good luck

pastaparadise · 23/12/2020 21:45

Thanks for opinions - dp has made me feel like I'm being really unreasonable so glad the consensus view is that I'm not. But, felt guilt tripped by dh, so said they cant stay. Now feeling really guilty about dsis. I feel resentful, so can see why she is. Really feels like this will drive a wedge between dh and my family. Still seething with dp, who appears not to give a shit and still thinks he's in the right. Great christmas this will be! Just as well mum wont understand what's going on.

Dsis is now driving alone for a 7 hr round trip to see mum tomorrow, and i will take my dc round to hers/ go for a walk. No idea if this is technically allowed (she's tier 2, we're tier 3), but feels as safe as most things.

OP posts:
OrigamiOwl · 23/12/2020 21:50

@Zoecarter

I personally think your husband is wrong especially given your mums health if for some reason she’s unable to see her after Xmas and something bad happens it would be the end of your relationship I couldn’t forgive you. Plus’s she will need to go food shopping tomorrow
I agree with this. I worry it will fracture your and your sister's relationship. Unfortunately if something happens to your mum, as you say she's going downhill, your sister may not forgive your husband.
Onekidnoclue · 23/12/2020 21:53

Oh no. That sounds miserable. I’m so sorry your DP doesn’t understand that you’ve made a big sacrifice for him. X

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