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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to my brothers wedding?

24 replies

FrankAwenstein · 23/10/2007 21:50

My step brother met his future wife about a year ago and they are planning on getting married early next year. Got the invitation today and on the part where it says.. Mr & Mrs etc request the pleasure of your company, she has excluded my mum but added brothers birth mum making it look like dad and her still married. She is very friendly with my brothers mum. Also she has made a point that my mum and dad are not grandparents to her dc, there hasnt been any acrimony at all between them at all. I envisage if she and my brother have children that they will not be allowed to call my mum grandma. Very very and angry about it. Mum was in tears today about it (very unlike her) as her and my brother were very close, he had depression after a messy relationship and mum was very supportive etc. THey were very close.

She also hasnt invited my dc (and presumably my baby who will be 3 months old), or 2 of my sisters dc's however my 3rd sisters dc is a bridesmaid. It isnt a 'no children' affair as her families children are going.

She also told me about the fisticuffs at her sisters wedding between the bride and a guest. The reception is on a boat (river boat shuffle) with no stop offs. I really dont fancy being on a boat with possibly wedding fights and unable to get to dc if necessary. I also am of the view that if I am invited so should my children as it is my brothers wedding.

I dont want to upset my brother but not attending but I really really dont want to go. I am not calling him yet with answer as trying to think of tactful way of putting things without causing strife. Already spoken to one sister who is of the same opinion.

OP posts:

moopymoo · 23/10/2007 21:55

oh weddings are a mine field arent they. your family sounds almost as complicated as mine! fwiw, it is quite normal for invites to be from the birth parents even if they are divorced, mine had my mum and dad on - they were both ok with this even though they had been divorced for 15 years. imo it might be best to go though because the 'and you never even came to my wedding' arguement can last for years. lifes too short. and would you really want small children on a boat?? my vote, get a frock, find a really trustworthy person to mind the kids , grab the champagne and try to enjoy.

Original poster

FrankAwenstein · 23/10/2007 21:59

Not happy to leave dc tho, esp new baby (not even born yet) as planning on breast feeding & not plannin g on expressing either. Also how do i explain to ds that you arent invited but your cousin is. It isnt like it is no kids, just only specific kids.

OP posts:

ravenAK · 23/10/2007 22:02

Use new baby as excuse to decline - perfectly reasonable not to leave 3 month old bf baby.

Of course, if she then says 'bring the kids' you'll have to think of something else.

moopymoo · 23/10/2007 22:03

not easy that. how about only going to service and crying off the reception? then at least you have shown your face and you have a very very valid excuse having a new baby.

LittleBellaLugosi · 23/10/2007 22:04

God I wouldn't go on a reception on a boat

How unutterably naff

Olihan · 23/10/2007 22:04

Does the invite say Mr & Mrs Joe Bloggs or Mr Joe Bloggs and Mrs Jane Bloggs? The second is the correct etiquette for divorced parents on wedding invites but if they've put the first then that does seem strange (or ignorant).

How long has your mum been part of your step brother's life? Is this something that his fiancee has most likely done, being a bit bridezilla-ish?

I know weddings were step parents are involved can be very fraught (mine certainly was) and sometimes step parents have to be sidelined in order to keep the peace with the birth parents. I'm wondering if that's what has happened here but I may be being too charitable!

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place imo. I can understand why you don't want to go but there may be longer term repurcussions if you don't go.

Could you say to your brother that you can't get childcare as everyone who would normally have them will be at the wedding so you'll either have to bring them or miss it - in a very reasonable, non ultimatum way, obviously!

fireflyfairy2 · 23/10/2007 22:07

How far ahead are the invites sent out?

We usually get invites just 6 weeks before!

littleNonSpecificHolidaylapin · 23/10/2007 22:16

What sort of relationship does your SB have with your mum? There is lots of "she, she, she" in your OP which does make it sound like your future SIL is steering this whole thing - how involved is your SB? I mean "She also hasnt invited my dc" - well, surely it is both of them doing the inviting? You say they were very close?

My wedding invitation had both my parents' names on it and not my stepmum (despite Dad and SM being married for 27 years and none of the parents forking out for the wedding ) but it was in the form Mr DadsName Lapin and Mrs MumsName Lapin which is standard form for divorcees, and also I spoke to SM first and she was completely cool. It sounds as though your poor mum was caught unawares by this, and presumably your dad didn't know either?

Tricky one. You don't want to alienate your brother, and weddings can make monsters of us all, but I can understand why you are so annoyed. To be perfectly honest, if you are close to your SB, I would just tell him the truth.

littleNonSpecificHolidaylapin · 23/10/2007 22:18

Sorry, there was supposed to be a "Does your SB get on with your mum?" before the last sentence of my first paragraph!

specialmagiclady · 23/10/2007 22:21

I bet she wouldn't mind if you bring the little one - won't make a noise during ceremony (boob in mouth), won't need feeding (boob in mouth), won't run around getting under feet(boob.. oh no, that one doesn't work). Could you get someone to take older dc(s) and then explain that you can't leave your new one. Talk to your SB not bridezilla.

Original poster

FrankAwenstein · 24/10/2007 22:33

thanks for replys. Only just managed to get back on here. Have had long chat with step dad about this. He is now in sb's bad books as he was very cross at being linked to his ex-wife in a way that made it appear they were still together. Was put as Mr & Mrs xxxxx. Have spoken to another sister and also my dp about this as i dont want to cause problems. Decision looks likely to be that i call and explain that is unlikely i will be able to make reception with childcare problems, small baby on a boat etc etc (also grandparents and disabled aunt won be able to go either as on a boat.. which i agree is very tacky). I will say would obviously like to be at service and assume that it wont be a problem having the children there. Think that way i get to wish brother and new wife all the best but miss on all the crap of the reception.

I am just relieved that it isnt my old preganncy hormones making me think this is all a bit weird and quite unreasonable.

Re questions regarding mums relationship with step brother, has always been good but as usually happens not so much contact since with new girlfriend. Mum hasnt moaned or anything about it at all tbh. I am just very aware that they were close before and so didnt/dont understand why the exclusion iyswim.

Not used to all this complicated stuff, feels very odd to be talking about this situation as wouldnt have ever thought it would occur as not a family who tend to clash.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrankAwenstein · 24/10/2007 22:33

oh and re taking baby and not ds1, really not an option as i feel it utterly unfair to say to ds, sorry but your little brother can go butnot you.

OP posts:

MamaMaiasaura · 19/11/2007 21:18

Sent card thanking for invitation.l Said we can go to wedding and made sure i wrote out my, dp and ds1 and baby on the acceptance (even tho ds1 not invited) and declined the evening reception.

Got a text in response saying sorry we cant make it to reception and asking how come. I texted back because we will have a very young baby and did not want to leave ds1 one behind whilst taking his baby brother.

That was hours ago and no respone. Ho hum... are we even welcome to the wedding now??

SpeccieSeccie · 19/11/2007 21:27

Just read the earlier posts but it all sounds tricky but I think you've handled it really well. Could the no text back thing just be because they are in the middle of doing some wedding organising and are just busy? It might not mean anything at all.

quint · 19/11/2007 21:36

I think that should be OK about you going to the wedding but not the reception, however once I received their text asking why you won;t be going to the reception I would have called rather than texted - maybe you could do that now (or whenever is a good time) and apologise for not calling them earlier but you were doing somwthing with ds1

Elasticwoman · 19/11/2007 21:38

This would have been tricky had it not been for the 3 month old baby; no way can any one expect you to leave a baby of that age. when I had babes in arms I turned down invitations to weddings i would otherwise have loved to attend, although admittedly not to such a close relation's wedding.

I would refuse in writing, politely, citing the baby as your reason and do not bow to any pressure. By all means send a card and present; invite the couple to come and see you after the honeymoon maybe; be warm and congratulating. After all, the inviting has been done by the bride's parents and the couple may not agree about it at all. No need to fall out with stepbrother, but no need to go to wedding either.

SpeccieSeccie · 19/11/2007 21:40

Good idea, quint. You can get the tone right on the phone better than a text. I'd probably go for a so-excited-about-the-big-day-can't-wait type tone, followed by the so-gutted-but-then-that's having-a-tiny baby type tone. (Does that make sense?)

CarGirl · 19/11/2007 21:40

perhaps they are "discussing" the situation and you will hear from db in due course!

MamaMaiasaura · 19/11/2007 21:46

Elastic woman - they didnt want me to leave baby, they wanted me to leave his older borther and only take baby which i think is unfair on eldest son.

Didnt want to phone as was asked via text and didnt want to get into an arguement over it. Tried to just keep it as simple as possible. I sent a lovely card initially and was really polite.

My dad (step dad) is not happy about how bro has handled whole thing and they have had words.

There are also other family members not going because the reception is on a boat and they have mobility problems etc.

MamaMaiasaura · 19/11/2007 21:48

can someone call for me fake being me cos i dont think i could be very sincere on the excited bit! lol

Elasticwoman · 19/11/2007 21:52

Sorry Awen, not paying attention there. Absolutely agree with you that you cannot take one child and leave the other. Personally I wouldn't go to service or reception, and would write letter or email explaining your reason, but still offering congrats etc.

I have every sympathy with your father not wanting to be associated with his ex wife. How tactless, if not downright mischievous, to put that on the invite!

MamaMaiasaura · 19/11/2007 22:00

We are going ot service but taking both of our sons with us.

Elasticwoman · 19/11/2007 22:03

They have no say over who goes to church anyway.

MamaMaiasaura · 19/11/2007 22:10

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