Do you think i have baby blues or am being possesive of my 6 week old?

[Lanasara88]

Okay so im coming here as yesterday i tried to message my own mother about this and she told me i could have baby blues and not to worry but now thats made me more worried as i felt justified in my concerns about my MIL and now im doubting myself and my mental health

Basically me and my fiance have a 6 week old daughter and its our first child. We currently live with his mother all together in a property we rent in equel proportions as it suits us all at the moment financially. Before i got pregnant the relationship was already a little faulty for the following reasons:

she is so overbearing and constantly butts in when im talking to my partner or asking him a question

She expects me and my partner to spend our time with her and when we havnt she has confided in her sister that she is lonely because we spend so much time upstairs (this got back to us so we made more effort to spend time with her every day)

she doesnt drive and we are always having to take her places that she organised first without asking us and demanding we go food shopping on sunday mornings and gets moody with us when this doesnt happen

she is racist and is constantly making comments at the telly whenever a person who isnt white appears which i find uncomfertable being around

She is constantly talking about negative drama with her own mom and daughter all the time which i dont really want to listen to...

On the other hand i know im not the best to live with as im known to leave dishes in the sink or not swill the bath out after ive used it which really pisses her off so i do understand that for all our differences i have to give her respect that she is just different to me and i know that these issues wouldnt be happening if we had just waited untill we had a property alone but basically i couldnt wait to have a baby. (Im 24 and have always wanted to be a mom so im not sorry for this)

Now my little one is here i feel like she is purposely trying to get to me with comments she keeps making to my daughter (who cant understand her at 6 weeks old i know but i can still hear her saying them) she keeps calling my daughter 'grannys girl' over and over again. Even when i have her in my arms she comes up in her face saying grannys girl grannys girl and i cant help but feel like she is doing it to get to me? Especialy as she has told me in the past that she calls her other grandchild grannys boy all the time because she feels like he doesnt get the attention off his mother (her own daughter) that he deserves. She has also referred to me as meals on wheels to my daughter which i know was a half joke but seriously i could have screamed.... Im not a wet nurse im her mother!!!

There is also the issue of how much i feel like i need to let her hold my daughter, i would let her hold her every night when she got back from work but she wouldn't give her back after a reasonable amount of time and i didnt feel brave enough to say can i have her back? Its made me dread her holding her because i dont know when she will give her back so last week 5 days went by where she didnt get to hold her and on the saturday morning i told my partner to take her downstairs for some granny time he replied and said "really" and i said yes of course why are you saying that" he just said nothing and took her down and then i heard his mom say to my daughter oh ive missed you i havnt seen you in ages" bearing in mind we all live together and she sees us every day when she gets back from work untill we go to bed so she has seen her she just hadnt held her. My partner and her have obviously noticed im not so open to her holding her very much now and these comments they are making are evident that they dont understand and have made me so paranoid now.

Please share your oppinions on the above. Reading it back i sound so selfish and i hate that, i used to brush off her negativity well but now its relating to my daughter i just cant seem to brush it off. Is it me? Do you think i have baby blues?

We are currently waiting for my inheritance to be processed before we can buy our own house so moving is on the cards but not anytime soon so im going to need to find a way of coping in the meantime.

Please tell me if im being a horrible daughter in law and how im supposed to deal with these feelings and emotions because im so worried im going to explose with anger and damage our relationship.

You won't be able to win with a woman like this.

If you can't get out for months then I really think you are going to have to accept that it is going to be hell until you move out.

Have you tried tackling these issues or do you just bite your tongue?

For instance when she us butting in you put your hand up and say very firmly, "hang on a minute Bertha, I haven't finished speaking."

Or when she won't give you back the baby (??) say in a very firm voice, "I need to take Jasmine back now" and just take her!

NB not swilling out the bath is pretty mank

That would drive me nuts.

A newborn baby usually doesn't like to be passed around. I suppose if the baby's not actually crying, it's probably ok, but I wouldn't be thrilled.

I don't think it's in the least selfish to want to snuggle up with a six week old baby. It's called the fourth trimester for a reason.

I'd be tempted to keep saying you're about to feed the baby and disappearing upstairs. It's stressful enough living with someone, even if you all mean well to each other.

Sounds hard OP. Adjusting to motherhood is not easy! What you've described sound fairly normal to me (your feelings). As a new mother you will be learning your own boundaries and discovering how you will be as a parent. If something annoys you or makes you feel uncomfortable you have to do something about it and find a way to do this with the people that you live with.

Maybe write down what your boundaries and rules are as a parent and have a chat with your DH and MIL?

Good luck and congratulations on your baby

I think the issue here is your living arrangements OP is this permanent? It would be hard enough without having a baby.. now you have your own little family.

Everybody lives different and it’s easy to get on each other’s nerves I couldn’t do it. I want to relax in my own house.

Op let her have the baby and the. Ask for her back. If you don’t ask for her back how is she supposed to know you want her back? She’s not a mind reader!
You have chosen to have a child whilst
Not being able to financially live on your own so you need to make the best of it and that means being assertive of your needs.

@SometimesMaybe

Op let her have the baby and the. Ask for her back. If you don’t ask for her back how is she supposed to know you want her back? She’s not a mind reader! You have chosen to have a child whilst Not being able to financially live on your own so you need to make the best of it and that means being assertive of your needs.

I agree with this. You need to get a backbone. Also, if she starts making rude/ snidely comments I’d be telling her! As someone else asked, I this living arrangement permanent? Can you & OH make plans to have your own home? I wish you luck!

You don't have PND younhave an overbearing MIL who is (understandably) getting on your tits

She sounds annoying. You are right to plan to get your own place ASAP, that will be better for everyone.

You need to practice being assertive. Tell her you want your baby back. She's a newborn she belongs with you anyway, she's not meant to be passed around

I don't think there's much wrong with "granny's girl". The only issue being not wanting to give her back, tbh you may make this worse by not handing her over in the first place, you have clearly chosen the situation you are in so I think you should cut her some slack. How about asking her to hold the baby while you shower/ make dinner/pop to the shops etc. Then leave them to it for a while and take the baby back when you return.

It's hard when you don't have your own home and feel you shouldn't 'make waves'................however, you know not swilling out the bath and leaving dishes in the sink annoy her, so why are you still doing it ?

Why can't you set aside some 'Granny time' on a daily basis ? Not being 'allowed' to hold your grandchild for 5 days when she lives in the same house is frankly ridiculous.

I understand your feelings, and they are perfectly OK, but living in such close quarters are probably magnifying everything, making a small issue into a huge issue.

I'd advise sitting down with your partner and working out a 'schedule' so that you all know when

1. MIL gets her 'Granny time'
2. You get a little free time.
3. You can have some alone time with your partner.

For example - Maybe 'granny time' could be from 6-7pm weekdays and 8-10am at weekends ?

That would give you an hour every night and a long lie at the weekends (and has the added bonus of meaning she won't bug you about early morning shopping either).

That would mean that Mon to Fri you have your DC for 13 out of 14 hrs and at the weekend you'd have her for 22 out of 24 hrs. Surely you could cope with something like this ? You could add the proviso that she stay at home with DC during these times until you said otherwise.

Of course your DC is precious and you love her dearly, but so does your MIL. All she's asking for is a cuddle and a little time to bond with her DGC too.

I don't think you have baby blues I just think your whole living set up is not working.

Yes I do think it's a bit rude to leave someone constantly in a different room when you are living with them. I don't think you'd like it if your DP and MIL were always in a different room too.

Granny's girl isn't that bad a thing. Your DD is your baby but she has an extended family that love her too. Some children aren't that lucky to have that kind of love.

Meals on wheels is a bit weird. I assumed she was old and you cook for her from that comment. From what she said it seems she loves the drama. If she is your not going to win unless you are indifferent in a "that's nice dear" to everything she says.

Your a new Mum now and you need to let that lioness come out. So up the communication, tell her you need the baby back for food, sleep whatever.

Take the baby out in her pram by yourself for a breather. Exercise will do you good for your mental health. And I've always found kids thrive if they've been outside for a bit everyday.

Then grit your teeth and count down the weeks til you leave. You and MIL will be better off apart.

Sorry, fat fingers , should've said you have DC for 23 out of 24hrs
not 13 out of 14 !

I agree with anyone saying i need to be more assertive. I have a huge problem with this and will put myself out to please others all the time so probably only got myself to blame sometimes and deffo need more of a backbone and to stop being so sensitive. We are financially in a posistion to live alone but if we rented now when she knows we were waiting to buy i feel like she would take it personally but this might be another thing im going to have to do for my benefit and forget how it makes her feel.

Meals on wheels refers to the OP breastfeeding not cooking for MIL.

I think her behaviour to baby is pretty normal but because you are living together it magnifies it. My mum calls my dc nannnys little angel or whatever and would always be cuddling them as babies but then after a bit she would go home, if we lived together it would feel too much. You decided to have a baby while living with her because you couldn’t wait, surely you knew she would be very involved? It is quite unkind and hurtful to not let her hold the baby for 5 days when you all live in the same house.

I would use having an extra pair of hands around to your advantage, hand baby to granny and head off for a shower or lie down, Granny and baby get a cuddle and bond and you get a free pair of hands for a bit knowing your daughter is safe and cared for,

Also you need your own place ASAP.

I think you need to move out

You’ve had a child whilst living with someone who you knew before that was a pain

You also need to find mama bear. Having kids means lots of very intense situations happen. Like the school bully. There are so many times when you have to stick up for your child. So start now

Good luck. The granny’s girls thing seems ok to me. Wouldn’t bother me. The meals on wheels is a bit strange. But I’d just say I’d rather you didn’t say that thanks.

The holding thing. It’s your child. Just take her back. Call on that mama bear. Or move out. Those are your only options

But remember you have a choice. You ALWAYS have a choice. In everything in life.

It will be grim till you can move out, so make that happen as soon as possible and start counting the days.

Start being firm about getting the baby back, and stop her interrupting you. But also stop leaving dirty washing up about...

It may have been better to wait for a baby till you had a house. Am only noting that re thinking through any future big life decisions.

Use your mouth op
Dont ask for your bebe back just tell her to give her back when you want bebe back.

And use that same mouth to put her in her place when she is racist as well.
Good luck