Man trouble

[Lustingforlove]

Hi, i need some advice, i have just found out my husband has been having an affair, my heart is broken, im an absolute wreck since i found out, We have 2 children together and christmas is just around the corner, the thing is i cant go to my parents with the covid and just dont know what to do,I dont want to be in the same room as him,never mind the same house and he is refusing to leave, do i stay for the kids sake and let them enjoy christmas, i just dont know what to do.

We're bumping this for you OP.

Hi, sorry you’re going through this. Could you afford a hotel or something?

Hi OP.

I am so sorry to hear this. I have been there. It was the hardest time of my life and I harboured so much anger, but 2 years on I am happy and single, with happy children and an arrangement with exH that works very well.

Firstly, don't leave your house. You have a legal right to stay and should there be any legal involvement down the line then you staying in your house will go in your favour.

Be prepared that you may need to live with your ex for a while. I did this and it was torture. After a while I phoned MIL told her everything and he went to stay with her until he found a house. But if you do stay living with him, set boundaries, claim a room for yourself and don't get drawn into conversations. He is not your friend right now, don't waver on that - it could get nastier than you expect.

Also do not get drawn into arguments over text or email. They could be used against you if it ever gets to family court - which hopefully won't happen but it's best to be prepared. You also have to be ridiculously reasonable to keep courts on side so don't do anything rash or hasty, no matter how angry you are.

And you will be so angry.

I used to have a bath, go under water and scream. It helped. I also got so much advice off MN, we are your friends here!

How awful.

So if he's refusing to leave what precisely does he expect to happen going forward? I can see you are clear your marriage is over (and I don't blame you) but is he just expecting you to flounce out in a huff with the kids leave him with the house?

Firstly, breathe. Secondly, when you get up tomorrow I want you to regain your composure and make it clear you're going nowhere.... this is yours and the kids family home. He is the one who had an affair so he is the one that can leave and if he thinks he can dig his heels in he's got another thing coming because you are ringing his family and informing them of the current situation and that one of them needs to come and pick him up because you're not tolerating him in the house, you will then be ringing your parents to inform them of your situation so you have some support and that's just the first shot in his direction because if you have to you will suffer through Christmas for the kids sake, from then on it will be all out war: he sleeps on the sofa and you will not cook, wash or clean for him and you will be speaking to a solicitor ASAP because there is no way in hell you're taking this betrayl lying down.

I know you're broken right now but you need to take a deep breath and style it out. The only way to survive this is to get really angry and channel it.

Good luck.

OP

Is he refusing to leave because he actually realised what he has done, and what he stands to lose? Has he said he will end the affair? I'm not saying you should stay with him, or even try to make things work but that may be an option although most people on here will no doubt tell you that leaving is the only course of action.
A close friend had an affair 25 years ago and his DW was devastated but they did stay together, are still together, and that was the only time.
You need to decide what is best for you, but although you are understandably angry and hurt, as anyone would be, try to consider things carefully rather than making quick decisions.
Sometimes people do stupid things which you can get beyond. Of course you may feel you can't, and that ending your marriage is best and that is fine too if it's what you want.
My personal advice would be not to listen too much to people on here and try to talk to real life friends and family.

He has decided to move into a bed and breakfast, he is now saying the affair was just a stupid fling and will i forgive him, i am so angry, but im thinking will i forgive him this once so the kids have a happy xmas, I am actually starting to blame myself now, as i know he didnt get the attention he wanted,as i was always busy with kids and always tired,this is the hardest decision of my life and still not sure what to do yet .

Thank you all for your advice

You are not at fault in anyway shape or form.

It wasn't a silly fling, I'm assuming he fucked her?

How did you find out?

He is minimising already, why isn't he begging forgiveness

All the best to you OP. Try to have a good Christmas, and see where you are after that.

@Lustingforlove

He has decided to move into a bed and breakfast, he is now saying the affair was just a stupid fling and will i forgive him, i am so angry, but im thinking will i forgive him this once so the kids have a happy xmas, I am actually starting to blame myself now, as i know he didnt get the attention he wanted,as i was always busy with kids and always tired,this is the hardest decision of my life and still not sure what to do yet .

That’s one hell of a turnaround Christmas is just day Think very carefully about your decision and what messages that sends him as well as the impact on your children.

My money is on him doing it again with this person or a different one. You’re effectively giving him a hall pass imo