A few years ago something terrible happened to one of the people I love most in the world. It was my fault in an accidental sort of "wrong place wrong time" sense. In other words, no intention whatsoever, but had I not been there the bad thing wouldn't have happened.
We are very close and our relationship is unaffected but I can't live with the guilt of it.
Every day I wish I hadn't been there, or hadn't even been born, and I fixate on what I could have done differently. I can be thinking of something completely unrelated and images will flash before my eyes reliving what happened to this person. I find myself praying furiously most nights trying to beg and barter for the chance to rewind the clock. If I miss a night, I'm convinced that I will cause this wonderful person more suffering.
Covid has been a whole new world of fun and I find myself paranoid for no reason that I might be the one to pass it to this person and unintentionally hurt them again. My mind conjurs up all the different ways in which I could cause a further accident and sometimes think I should move to another country and not tell anyone where I've gone so that they can be safe from me.
I obviously never say any of this to the person in question. My guilt is entirely self-indulgent and unhelpful.
For anyone who has experienced something similar, how do you live with it?