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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When is the appropriate time to get something off your chest?

21 replies

SkittlesRainbow · 21/12/2020 18:30

A bit of background...
My DHs parents are toxic. They stopped talking to us when we got pregnant out of wedlock in 2016 and have caused us constant stress and drama since.

His siblings initially took the parents side over it, as they told everyone that we had cut them off. The only 'saving grace' we have had with the family since then is that one brother started a relationship with a divorcee with a child. They went on to have IVF, at which point his relationship with his parents broke down and he came to us completely understanding everything we had been through. We have since supported each other and formed a sub-family i suppose. The other siblings barely speak to us.

The parents always cause drama around Christmas and birthdays and it hangs over us like a storm cloud, waiting to see what they will 'kick off' about next. I did message on the forum a month ago and was told not to bother with them this year and we have actually not bothered for the first time. It feels weird but good. However my husband's brother decided to reach out to them today and this is what happened...

My BIL called to wish them a happy Christmas, and they had some cordial conversation about how hard this year has been and how they should try to start again next year and have a better relationship. All good stuff. Then his parents said "If we are going to do that, there are a few things we want to get off our chest" before proceeding to give him a rant about how bad his wedding was (12 months ago), how they didn't like that they were sat on the second row in the ceremony, how they didn't like the registrar, how they didn't enjoy the entertainment, where they were sat for the meal, or that they didn't get a present. They said that they felt equal to all the other guests but should have got more special treatment as they were his parents.

Bearing in mind that the parents had barely spoken a word to him for 18 months prior due to the fall out around the IVF, never visited him at his new home despite numerous invites, and didn't even offer the tiniest amount of sympathy when he and his wife suffered multiple miscarriages - i was surprised he even invited them at all. But also why have they sat on this for a year and let loose now. What can he even do about it?!

So my question is AIBU to think that even if they did have a point (IMO they don't), why ignore him for a year, and then go into a rant about something he can't change or control when he has tried to do something positive. Is this ever a reasonable thing to do?

OP posts:
OrigamiOwl · 21/12/2020 18:50

No, it isn't a reasonable time to say these things. But they don't sound like reasonable people.

SeasonFinale · 21/12/2020 18:54

At least he knows his idea to reach out to them was a pointless one and he can go back to NC with no guilt whatsoever

StoneofDestiny · 21/12/2020 18:56

They sound like deeply disturbed and dysfunctional people. I'd just leave them to stew in the misery they choose to live in. They are likely to keep poisoning your lives if you don't cut them adrift and leave it up to them to make the next move. They have made their choice, let them get on with it.

mintyneb · 21/12/2020 18:57

My mum waited 6 months to tell me all the reasons why she didnt enjoy my wedding

HotSince63 · 21/12/2020 18:58

The parents aren't reasonable people - but really, don't get involved and never ever say a bad word about your in-laws to your BIL.

Never forget that your BIL cut you out when it suited him, and then came running to form a 'sub-family', again when it suited him - and all this time he's been working to regain contact with his parents.

Have no doubt that BIL and his partner will probably drop the two of you like hot potatoes again when it suits him.

Diverseduvet · 21/12/2020 19:00

The only thing that would have pissed me off was sitting in the second row at the wedding. They sound totally toxic though.

Boulshired · 21/12/2020 19:03

They will eventually run out of children to alienate but unfortunately for them it will be too late. My Aunt was extremely religious and conservative that one by one her children became the outsider. With each cousin that backed away a new cousin found themselves in the firing line.

Original poster
SkittlesRainbow · 21/12/2020 19:18

@Boulshired thats interesting, there are still more siblings left. Either my DH and BIL are the black sheep and the others are perfect or this will keep happening with the other too?

OP posts:
Original poster
SkittlesRainbow · 21/12/2020 19:21

@Diverseduvet I get what you're saying - for context it wasn't a church wedding and the rows were small. The front row was the bridesmaids and groomsmen and the people doing a reading. They still had reserved seating so I fell like they still had more special treatment than they really deserved.

OP posts:
Nohomemadecandles · 21/12/2020 19:25

It time to roll your eyes, sigh and give up. If that's the first thing they can think of, they are beyond odd.
You won't change them. Enjoy the sub family and let the rest go. Flowers

Original poster
SkittlesRainbow · 21/12/2020 19:31

@HotSince63 I appreciate your point of view and think it's a fair point. Before they went a little cold with us, my DH and his brother were really close. When they reunited after the weird year or so we had, our BIL was so apologetic and told us a lot of the lies that the ILs had spread about us - either completely fabricated or twisted stuff. They made us sound like Disney villains! He regretted not speaking to us about it, and since then has had regular close contact with my DH. He is the only member of family my DH feels like he has, so I understand why it is so important to him to maintain that relationship.

I am not particularly close to the BIL myself, but I don't think he would ever get in with the parents or drop us again. Then again, I didn't see the current situation we all find ourselves in 5 years ago. Life is crazy! I agree he does need to stop trying to reach out to them now, it's like he is banging his head against a brick wall and I don't know why he keeps doing it (not that I would comment to him). Very odd.

OP posts:
Diverseduvet · 21/12/2020 19:31

Oh I see Skittles. No that wouldn't annoy me, its obvious why they had to sit in the second row.

Deelish75 · 21/12/2020 19:33

Some people will never take responsibility for their actions and will always be the hard done by ones. Leave them to wallow and enjoy your sub family.

katy1213 · 21/12/2020 19:33

What would they like him to do - get married again, with a better-looking registrar(perhaps the register office could send a selection for approval), karaoke so they could choose their own entertainment and a party bag to take home???
You're out of it. I'd stay out of it.

Original poster
SkittlesRainbow · 21/12/2020 19:35

@mintyneb what did she say? How can parents not enjoy their child's happiest day of their lives - even if it's not the one they wanted?

DHs parents told us on the day how they felt about our wedding. They both had a brief, separate conversation with us.
MIL: I am glad this is official now. [That's all she said to me all day]
FIL: This wasn't as terrible as we were dreading it was going to be. [Proceeding onto a rant that they don't like any of my family - no reasons given - probably because my family were enjoying themselves!]

Then they both left without saying good bye and will mention how much they hated our wedding every time my husband speaks to them. Boring.

OP posts:
Original poster
SkittlesRainbow · 21/12/2020 19:36

@OrigamiOwl @SeasonFinale @StoneofDestiny

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate them. You are probably spot on. x

OP posts:
Original poster
SkittlesRainbow · 21/12/2020 19:40

@katy1213
Haha my point exactly - brilliant comment. I really want more details on what the registrar was supposed to have done wrong! It might be funny.

Don't worry though, I have never personally got involved with any of it and make a point not too. But it upsets my husband a lot and sometimes I need to have validation and an explanation as to how parents can treat their children like this. My family don't do that so it seems totally abnormal, bizarre, controlling and abusive. Yet the rest of his family seem to think we are in the wrong. I can't get my head around it sometimes.

OP posts:
christinarossetti19 · 21/12/2020 19:41

Now that you've started the trend of not seeing them for special occasions, you can just quietly keep it going.

Don't see them around the time of birthdays or Christmas. Don't call them. If they call you, speak briefly then say that you've got to go urgently.

Don't get involved with any of the other siblings other than the perfunctory communication outlined above.

Use your emotional energy for relationships which are more fulfilling.

mintyneb · 21/12/2020 20:26

skittles I had everything.... my grandad was 'told to move back a row in church because he wasnt catholic' (I'm not, DH is and we married in a catholic church); I ignored my uncle '3 times' when he came to congratulate me, I humiliated her at the reception, blah blah blah

Original poster
SkittlesRainbow · 21/12/2020 20:41

@christinarossetti19 thanks for your perfectly written advice. You are spot on and I fully agree xxx

OP posts:
christinarossetti19 · 21/12/2020 20:53

Most welcome.

Years of practice with my toxic family...

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