to think that being The Single One is almost as bad as being single?

[Releve]

I don't know anyone my age who is still single. I really don't. Everyone is dating someone, and the usual Christmas glut of pregnancy announcements and engagements are starting to get me down.

In the past three weeks, I've sent congratulations on two new babies and three engagements. I'm so happy for my friends, I really am, but I'm so sad for myself. I feel like I am invisible or move in slow motion compared to everyone else.

Oh OP, it is all luck :( I was so lucky to meet my boyfriend (on Tinder), as were most people meeting theirs. It sucks. All you can do is wait and keep fingers crossed and get yourself on dating sites!

Also, you never know when relationships or marriages will end. I used to be jealous of friends in relationships and then be shocked when they broke up. It happens, just because someone is in a couple doesn't mean they will always be.

This could have been me a year ago! People would tell me I’d meet someone and I’d be like ha ok...!

This time last year I had given up on then idea I’d ever find a nice man, and was saving money for sperm donation... Had just turned 29.

In Jan, I met my partner and everything clicked into place. I have two wonderful stepsons now and we are moving in together next year. We also want to try for a baby not too far in the future.

It happens when you least expect. I still can’t believe it happened for me. When you are older too, and you are with the right person, things do move faster, so if marriage or babies are a worry for you don’t fret about that.

Some practical advice for you. To ease my anxieties (when I was single I really wanted a baby more than a man) I made a plan for a life alone and how I would still get the things I wanted I.e. a family via sperm donor. I do believe that because I wasn’t really bothered about a relationship until I met my dear partner, that’s what made it work so well as there wasn’t ‘pressure’ for it to work out.

Im 35 and single, already got my one child so not in any rush to find anyone or settle.
Lots of your friends who are getting married now in their 20s will be getting divorced in their 30s judging from my experience with friends and colleagues.
You've got loads of time to meet the right person.
It's not been the easiest year for meeting people, I've quite enjoyed not having other peoples pressures and expectations and all the stupid questions about if im seeing anyone or have I met anyone yet.

I was the first to have a baby in my group of friends and I was 30....you're only young still! My friends were all 35 plus AND I was the youngest at the school gates at DDs school. The area was posh and all the women were professionals with amazing careers...they'd all waited till they were cracking on for 40. I thought I was old! 28 is nothing.

I completely echo Scautish’s post - I was in the same position too and it’s totally random.

I was on/off single until 30 when I decided that I’d had enough, stopped actively looking for someone and just tried to be happy on my own for a while. Felt brave enough to start dating again last year at 32, met my partner almost straight away and we’re now expecting a baby...how that all aligned, I’ll never know.

I second just doing your own thing and trying not to put yourself under too much pressure.

28 is young OP. But I challenge you to go with life and find what makes YOU happy outside of marriage and babies. Don't be sad, you have so much exploring to do/ covid is not helping this. But you could or maybe already are / doing something amazing with your life. All the rest will come. Focus on making something of YOURSELF. Being married with kids really isn't everything.

Apologies for chipping in like the patronising old aunty...but 28 is no age! I had my first child at 27 and I was like the child bride/gym slip mum in my group of friends and colleagues. None of them settled down until 33/34 at the earliest. 35/36 was the most common age. You’ve got time!

It’s so tough being single. I’m 38 and have always been single. I’ve tried everything to meet someone but I’ve given up now. I’ve been attempting to have a baby with a sperm donor. One or two attempts left and then that’s it for me, but at least I can tell myself I tried.

I personally find there’s nothing worse that blithe comments about ‘you’ll meet someone’, ‘I was just like you but look at me now happily married with kids!’ and my absolute favourite ‘I can’t understand why you’re single’ with a focused look while the

@Sorka

It’s so tough being single. I’m 38 and have always been single. I’ve tried everything to meet someone but I’ve given up now. I’ve been attempting to have a baby with a sperm donor. One or two attempts left and then that’s it for me, but at least I can tell myself I tried.

I personally find there’s nothing worse that blithe comments about ‘you’ll meet someone’, ‘I was just like you but look at me now happily married with kids!’ and my absolute favourite ‘I can’t understand why you’re single’ with a focused look while the

I hadn’t actually finished typing and it posted!

Anyway. I hope you meet someone but you have my empathy for how tough it is

@Sorka I agree. I know people think life is all about meeting someone and having kids- but it's really not. A lot of people who have those things are deeply unhappy. That's why I didn't say the whole ' one day you'll meet someone don't worry ' thing in my response. You may, or you may not. It doesn't need to define you if you do or you don't. Both have strong advantages and strong disadvantages. Society makes you believe that one is somehow better, but it's not that way for everyone. So if you can, focus on the things that you can do. Be it having a baby with a sperm donor or not. Be it excelling in your career. Be it changing the world in some way by volunteering and making a difference. Be it whatever it is for you.

Same boat here OP, but I’m pretty happy! Actually pretty glad I wasn’t navigating a relationship with all these lockdowns and restrictions. My past relationships have always come from strange and unexpected places and I trust it will be the same in future. In fact, I have hope that it will work out even better in future as I get more comfortable in my own skin as I get older.

That being said, I do feel like I’ve “lost” a year of fertility to all this shit!

@Sorka all the best with the baby by the way. I hope it works out. I have a friend who tried 10 times and then it worked. Same age as you. She has a healthy girl now and is over the moon. She also did it on her own without a partner. Best of luck.

I totally get where you are coming from op.

I'm 29 and still single and it's becoming obvious Ive become The Single One.

Covid has not helped I want to date in person and meeting up with a stranger even socially distanced just eurgh.

I'm finding it's not that my friends are getting married or having babies. Although that is happening with increased frequency. But my closest friends are at the moving in with their dp stage

I don’t want to sound patronising but 28 is still so young! You have bags and bags of time. I thought you were going to say you’re 38 and then I’d say you could still meet someone!

As John Lennon said “life is what happens when your busy making other plans”

Just live your life and see what happens. Good luck.

I second what others have said about it being completely random. I was you at 28 and it really got me down being single. I felt miserable all the time and hated weekends. I met DP at 29 in an old man pub I'd go to every Friday after work for the best part of two years. I was wearing no make-up after a long day and had my best "I've had a horrific week" hair do. Four years on we've just bought a "forever" house, got a puppy and have all sorts of plans for the future.

It's true what they say, comparison is the thief of joy. I wish I'd focused on me more, enjoyed my single life before DP came along and stopped putting pressure on myself the way I did. I know it's far easier said than done and I hated hearing it when I was going through it because it made it sound so simple but I really do believe the right person comes in to your life at the right time. You should enjoy yourself until that person arrives. You never know what's round the corner.

I met my now husband when I was 29. At 28, I was focused on working hard, going out(I guess when lock down is over) and just doing things I enjoyed (mostly eating out). I also started saying yes to hanging out with new groups of people to open up my social circles. Fingers crossed for you.

Ahhh I get it OP.

While I don't think a relationship should be our only goal (i.e. I don't think people should feel like they've skipped an 'achievement' without one), it's completely normal and sounds like what you want so... my practical advice:

• Have you had serious/committed relationships in the past, and if so what was good/bad about them? For example, did you value a relationship where you were both politically aligned, or had similar religious views, or both loved pet rats or both had similar jobs... I know it sounds silly but knowing what's important to you can help you either be clear about what you want out of a relationship so you don't 'waste time' or, if nothing else, help make your online dating profile very clear!

• Is there anything about you and your life that you think is holding you back from a relationship? Might (or might not) require a bit of honest soul searching, here... Are you a workaholic that leaves no time for someone else? Do you put out a commitment phobe vibe? Are you discussing wedding venues with anyone who looks at you on the bus? Do you never leave the house (pre-Covid), meet anyone, or shut down conversations with any potential dates? Maybe none of these things are true, but if you were, say, working 70 hour weeks, never going out places that could meet people, never online dating, and spending any free time engaging in your hobby, then... maybe some changes need to be made.

• Try online dating. Seriously. Not all a meat market (Tinder definitely is, although that can be fun for some light relief!) - the paid sites are better and you'll be able to be extremely specific about what you want. Play a numbers game - lots of dates equals lots of potential partners. Enjoy it, but give yourself a good statistical chance.

• ...but don't discount meeting someone in person. Go to all the smug married ( ) barbecues and parties and be the hot single because the chances are, they'll invite some more out of fear of you all being alone, and then you'll be able to discuss being pigeon holed as The Single Ones together ;)

• Don't panic. You haven't failed if you're not married by 28. You're a whole person by yourself and you're not missing another half. Easier said than felt, I know.

P.S. I went on over 45 first dates in a year once. Didn't fuck about with the 'talking stage', just went straight in with 'drink on Friday?'. It was an all year cuffing season... Gotta be in it to win it.

[quote mummyofbabygirl]@Sorka I agree. I know people think life is all about meeting someone and having kids- but it's really not. A lot of people who have those things are deeply unhappy. That's why I didn't say the whole ' one day you'll meet someone don't worry ' thing in my response. You may, or you may not. It doesn't need to define you if you do or you don't. Both have strong advantages and strong disadvantages. Society makes you believe that one is somehow better, but it's not that way for everyone. So if you can, focus on the things that you can do. Be it having a baby with a sperm donor or not. Be it excelling in your career. Be it changing the world in some way by volunteering and making a difference. Be it whatever it is for you. [/quote]
You say that, that many people who have kids and are married, are deeply unhappy. So why do so many people want/need/crave it?

Not being goady honestly, but I just wonder why.

You get lots of single people posting on these kind of threads saying they are happy single, and wouldn't have it any other way, yet millions of 'singletons' are on dating websites desperate to find someone.

I get that some people are happy to be single, if they have been in an unhappy relationship for some years. But to be in your 30s (or almost) or even your 40s, and to have never been in a relationship, is just depressing for many. Most people seem to want to be with someone. And for many, they are happier being in a couple.

It's also a harder life being single. It's more expensive, as you have no-one to share the bills with. It's a hard life as a single woman unless you're solvent and fairly wealthy. And you have no-one to socialise with, go on holiday with, go for walks with, and spend Christmas with etc etc...

And as said, MILLIONS of people are seemingly desperate to be in a relationship. So why is that? If being in one makes many people deeply unhappy?

I met my DH when I was 39. 2 kids now and v happy.
Im so so glad that I spent my younger years travelling a lot, having amazing experiences, different jobs, going out, having lots of random sex, getting my heart broken and healed again, lonely at times, happy at others.
Live a life you can look back on.
Happy Christmas xx