AIBU to be so embarrassed?

[Whycantibeapuppy]

I started an online book club and it’s going great but I also suffer severe anxiety so wanting it to go well sets that off quite badly. I’m forcing myself though and I am enjoying it. My best friend reads as much as me and joined. We’ve had 2 zoom sessions so far. The first she had her microphone off and sat on her phone through a lot of it. Last nights she joined but had her mic and cam off. I’m guessing she wasn’t even there. One of the members actually spoke directly to her and no response. It’s a small group with only 7 members so it’s very noticeable. I was so embarrassed as they were all asking me where she was and if she was having computer problems and I just didn’t know how to answer.

I appreciate that she’s joining to support me but she’s doing quite the opposite.

AIBU to tell her she’s really upset me and I’d rather she didn’t join if she’s not going to be an actual part of it? FYI she also suffers anxiety so I know she finds it nerve racking which is why I was happy for her to just listen on the first one.

Just because you started it doesn't mean you are responsible for the behaviour of others.

Why are you embarrassed about her behaviour??

Nothing to do with you! YABU to tell her she's upset you...why would you be upset about it?

Just leave her be. IF the others ask you where she is, just say "Your guess is as good as mine!"

Kick her out of it if it happens again.
Can I take her place

Completely agree. Her behaviour isn’t your responsibility - just concentrate on enjoying the zoom with the other people and see if she joins in more on her own.

@FortunesFave because as I said I have severe anxiety. I want it to go well and I want everyone to enjoy it, anything derailing it will feel like my responsibility.

I like your response, I will use that. Thank you.

@Twistered 😂😂 more than welcome!

Can you find out from her why she connected and didn't join in the book club. There could be reasons you don't know eg family illness, having to organise stuff and running out of time before Christmas etc - it would be awful if you launch into one and then find out she's having to deal with a crisis.

I haven't voted because I don't think it's about being unreasonable or not, it's just to suggest you don't jump to conclusions too soon.

Thank you all! I have a habit of overthinking and panicking so it’s good to be put straight. I don’t want to cause unnecessary issues. She’s not my responsibility!

@daisychain01 I have considered that which is probably why I didn’t just message straight away just in case

I understand that, seeing as you started the group initially, you want it to be an enjoyable experience for people and a “success” but very definitely you are not responsible for another adult’s behaviour! I never do zoom, I maybe would have tried to for a good friend and maybe not want to seem rude by turning off in the middle of it was too much but leave it going just turned to mute, maybe that was it? If she’s a good friend I’d maybe asked what she thought of the last session, she what she says, otherwise I’d just use it as a way to work on my anxieties. Well done to your for starting the group up, that can’t have been easy. I absolutely adore books, would love to be in a book club, but know I can’t do video sadly.

@MrsOmelette

I understand that, seeing as you started the group initially, you want it to be an enjoyable experience for people and a “success” but very definitely you are not responsible for another adult’s behaviour! I never do zoom, I maybe would have tried to for a good friend and maybe not want to seem rude by turning off in the middle of it was too much but leave it going just turned to mute, maybe that was it? If she’s a good friend I’d maybe asked what she thought of the last session, she what she says, otherwise I’d just use it as a way to work on my anxieties. Well done to your for starting the group up, that can’t have been easy. I absolutely adore books, would love to be in a book club, but know I can’t do video sadly.

It is terrifying 😂 I really don’t like video either. We tried a text chat first and it just didn’t work as well unfortunately and I am getting less anxious the more I do. I think with the first one it was fine to be muted, I didn’t mind but then sitting there obviously scrolling on Facebook came across as a disrespectful to the others talking. I had a few message me after about it. Last night she didn’t have video on for a second so we just had a big screen with her name on the whole time, it seemed like she’d logged in then gone off to do something else. Especially when someone spoke directly to her and there was no response. It’s tricky because I totally understand how scary it is as I feel the same but I’d just rather she said I can’t do it. I wouldn’t be annoyed about that and I’d understand

I voted YABU as You can't control her behaviour and shouldn't be embarassed.
In all honesty I'd just say "you didnt seem to enjoy book club this month. I don't want you to feel pressured to attend as its supposed to be fun! if you dont fancy it, dont feel you have to join book club next month"

Agree that telling her she had really upsey you would be OTT.

@SimplyRadishing

I voted YABU as You can't control her behaviour and shouldn't be embarassed. In all honesty I'd just say "you didnt seem to enjoy book club this month. I don't want you to feel pressured to attend as its supposed to be fun! if you dont fancy it, dont feel you have to join book club next month"

Thank you, that’s a good way of wording it!

@Namechangedforthethousandthtim

Agree that telling her she had really upsey you would be OTT.

That’s how I describe myself to my therapist! I’m trying to stop and think before reacting in situations and talk it through with other people so this thread has been really helpful. I probably won’t mention it at all and just let her get on with it

She probably got too anxious to have her mic and cam on but signed in to listen. Or she was busy with other things (?kids, cooking, family) and couldn’t stay the whole session.

Isn’t it polite to mute your mic unless you’re speaking?

Maybe she was in PJs or had another reason for not wanting to be on camera?

Or her network connection wasn’t great?

I think she’s doing her best to support you, a lot of people wouldn’t have even joined one if it triggered their anxiety.

I have to do a lot of Zoom meetings for work and it’s not only awkward but so easy to get the giggles accidentally! I’ve had to turn my camera and audio off at times as the sight of somebody’s cat on the keyboard sets me off!

Don't tell her she's upset you, that will only cause arguments and defensiveness. You could tell her that you'd noticed and that if she's joining in to show support then she doesn't need to feel obliged. It may be though that she does enjoy the group but is very busy so is bobbing around doing jobs with it on in the background.
I've appeared on screen at zoom events doing the ironing before now!!
Anyway, try not to take it personally as PP said you are not responsible for her.

It's not polite or supportive to just ignore someone who speaks to you. As a long time severe anxiety sufferer myself it drives me nuts when I see rude behaviour being explained away by anxiety. Anxiety doesn't mean you don't have to bother with basic manners.

There is a written chat function on Zoom. If she needed to leave early, or didn't want to speak, all she had to do was use it, not log in, turn the video off and disappear.

Not the OPs responsibility obviously, but the friend behaved pretty poorly.

Are you sure that she wasn't having computer problems though?

Are you hosting the zoom meeting? Just kick her out of it if she is off camera, and not contributing.

Maybe don't send her the Zoom link and see if she asks about the Book Club and if it's still going. You could always say Oh sorry didn't you get the link. Don't worry we've got one coming up on x date, I'll make sure you get the link, I'll drop you a text so I know you got it this time.

Maybe it just isn't her 'bag' and she doesn't want to say anything.