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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to just not pay the nursery fees?

32 replies

OrcaS · 21/12/2020 00:05

STBXH and I split up in Feb. Since then he has not voluntarily contributed anything to DD's upkeep. Finally sorted child maintenence - he pays the bare minimum and I strongly suspect he has lied about his income (self-employed). DD is 2 and resides with me and has contact with STBXH. I have paid all the childcare bills since the split (and the "retainer" when the nursery was closed). I had childcare vouchers saved up during maternity leave so just used those. I have asked exH to contribute half of the nursery fees and he has refused. I have written about it in the communication book, but he has ignored it. I can't afford to pay anymore fees. Nursery is £500 per month for 2 days a week. Childminder is £600 for the other days. I owe £1,500 which I don't have and I don't know what to do. We are currently going through the family courts and final hearing is next month. He wants full custody despute never being the main carer. I kept thinking he'd cough up but now I'm not sure he will. I claim universal credit but it doesn't cover all the childcare costs.

Tldr : ex won't pay for childcare. As resident parent (for the time being at least) should I be expected to pay for all of it? Should I wait it out till ex pays?

OP posts:
lyralalala · 21/12/2020 00:29

Unfortunately, unless you get it in a financial order as part of your divorce, he can't be made to contribute toward childcare. Child maintenance is all he's obliged to pay.

It's shit

TVDFan · 21/12/2020 00:30

Sounds like your ex is a dick but that's not the nursery's or childminder's problem.

You need to pay them what you owe. I'm surprised they've allowed the debt to get so big. Can you arrange a payment plan at all?

Brighterthansunflowers · 21/12/2020 00:33

He’s a dick but you can’t just not pay the nursery and childminder.

KihoBebiluPute · 21/12/2020 00:34

Sorry that you are in this situation but it is not reasonable for the nursery to suffer because of it. Your ex is clearly a first-class git. You can't stop that from being the case. You will need to make different childcare arrangements which you can afford.

ForeverBubblegum · 21/12/2020 00:34

Unfortunately, you won't be able to force him to pay, and if you don't they'll cancel her place eventually and you'll be the one unable to work. Can you speak to the nursery and agree some kind of payment plan to cover the debt, if they can see your trying to sort it they are more likely to be lenient in waiting for the money.

FitbitCat · 21/12/2020 00:35

You are expected to pay not him unless it's in your court order which sounds unlikely.

August20 · 21/12/2020 00:43

If you are not already divorced try and get this in a financial order.

He is not obliged by default to pay for childcare while your DD is with you.

Unfortunately you also can't just not pay. The childcare has been provided, you would be making the nursery staff work for free. They have lives and families too. See if you can work out a payment plan with them.

2019user44 · 21/12/2020 00:48

Maybe look at applying for spousal maintenance and go through the CMS for child maintenance.

emilyfrost · 21/12/2020 00:50

YABU. Your financial situation is not your nursery or your childminder’s problem; if you use their services you need to pay them.

Xmasdinnervwpolo · 21/12/2020 00:54

He wants full custody to fuck you over and so he doesn't need to pay anything.

Do you work full time? Then unfortunately, I would argue, you should pay the childcare costs.

Original poster
OrcaS · 21/12/2020 09:01

Yes I have absolutely no doubt that he wants full custoday because he is an incredibly greedy individual. He never showed any interest in childcare prior to our split.

Would he not be expected to pay for the childcare for the 24 hours he has contact during the week?

OP posts:
lyralalala · 21/12/2020 09:33

@OrcaS

Yes I have absolutely no doubt that he wants full custoday because he is an incredibly greedy individual. He never showed any interest in childcare prior to our split.

Would he not be expected to pay for the childcare for the 24 hours he has contact during the week?

He’d be expected to organise childcare he needs during his time. So you’d be within your rights to cancel your childcare during that time

Be warned though - lots of men just make themselves unavailable for contact at those times instead so don’t leave yourself screwed for childcare for work if he pulls that stunt

Original poster
OrcaS · 21/12/2020 10:03

Thank you for the advice!! I appreciate it!! I can see that since we split he's been avoiding having DCs during childcare days

OP posts:
Original poster
OrcaS · 21/12/2020 10:04

To all the PPs who said that I should pay because it isn't fair on nursery staff if I don't - I quite agree and I will be doing this. I just hate the fact that my ex has forced my hand into doing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrcaS · 21/12/2020 10:06

...Especially as I know he has £1000's of chilcare vouchers saved up. God knows what he will use them for, I suspect a summer camp or something next year

OP posts:
Original poster
OrcaS · 21/12/2020 10:07

2019user44 Is spousal maintenence different to child maintenence?

OP posts:
Thatwentbadly · 21/12/2020 10:08

Have you checked what you are entirely to in terms of any benefits? Can you now claim 15 free hours of childcare a week?

Lifeispassingby · 21/12/2020 10:12

If your financial situation has changed you may be entitled to support via government funded hours. You need to communicate with the nursery regarding this- the last thing you need is them withdrawing your place

Original poster
OrcaS · 21/12/2020 11:32

that went badly i am entitled to some money from Universal Credit but it doesn't cover the full costs by a long way. I also feel very bad for claiming this when I know that my ex can well afford to pay for half the childcare Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
OrcaS · 21/12/2020 11:34

I'll speak to the nursery later today... Hopefully they will be understanding. Have paid childminder. It leaves me in debt and unable to buy presents which is horrible as I know ExH will be spending a lot to prove what a great dad he is!

OP posts:
emilyfrost · 21/12/2020 11:36

@OrcaS

2019user44 Is spousal maintenence different to child maintenence?
Yes, but it’s very rarely given out these days as there’s no reason a partner should be expected to continue to support their spouse after they’ve left them.
MrsMomoa · 21/12/2020 11:47

You might end up waiting a while Op.
I haven't had a penny in 13 years!

Bollss · 21/12/2020 12:11

ah op it's shit but he doesn't have to pay for childcare, however its his responsibility to make his own arrangements for "his" days.

Don't feel bad claiming UC, this is what it is there for!

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 21/12/2020 12:56

What's the arrangement for contact with the dc? And nursery pattern? If you can get an official child arrangements order which shows which are his days, the nursery can bill him direct for his days. My dp did this (was a 50/50 arrangement, fully amicable, they both paid for their own weeks)