I’m asking for your advice? Partner’s anxiety.

[HurtingHillary]

How do I help my DP (or soon to be XP) with his anxiety?

It’s a really long story.

For back ground about 2 years ago he was suicidal.

We’ve been together before a few years ago split up I went on to have a child with a very abusive man. We got back together when baby was 5 months old.

He moved out 4 weeks ago and went back to his mums because we had an argument.

The basis of the argument was that he’d arranged for his mum to come for dinner, he then didn’t come home at the agreed time and proceeded to spend the night drinking with friends 🙄🤬 dinner got cancelled and he took all his stuff to his mums a couple of days later. (Yes my argument was also based on being lockdown and letting us all down and potentially spreading the virus to the kids or his mum)

We’ve seen each other a few times since and the last time we saw each other he stormed out because my DD(8) asked him if he was coming back to live with us. The kids love him utterly adore him. He’s firm but fair with the kids and has took baby on as his own ( - he’s presumed infertile & has always wanted a child of his own, the whole family treat her as his.)

I know he does love us and keeps telling me he loves us, he say saying he doesn’t want to see anyone and he only feels safe and secure and protected in his mums spare room. He won’t expand further on this. He’s telling me to make plans and enjoy the holidays but then accusing me of cheating 🙄 he’s a very anxious person in general and keeps telling me his head is telling him we can’t keep trying but he knows he can’t keep stringing us along and we deserve better.

I really can’t seem to get through to him that he’s what we all want and that I’m happy to try on the basis of giving him some space spending 2 nights with us 1 at his mums and to carry on with that sort of rota system to allow him some space, the kids a routine and me some structure.

He was saying he wants to build up to being a family again. So I felt this 2/1 cycle would work well giving us all elements of what we need.

He’s good about money, house chores, cooking, cleaning, school runs ect.
When his anxiety is high in general - potentially because work is bad or a child is poorly or I’m in hospital he gets what looks from the outside in ‘controlling’ with regards to the routine in the house and making sure the whole house is immaculate it’s OTT and we have had many a discussion about it he recognises the behaviour and had of recent got a lot better and almost took a step back.

I can’t seem to get through to him and his mum is a very neutral person she’s worried about him and worried I’m going to shut down and leave him.

I don’t know what to do.

If you're not a psychiatrist, you can't help him. If you are, you still can't because it's unethical to treat a partner or family member.

He needs professional help - is he getting it? You need someone to be a full and equal partner or to be fully independent. You don't realistically have capacity to carry another passenger, do you?

His mother is enabling him to be a needy child; please don't tag team with her on this. If he wants to be a family with you, he needs to be ready to take an adult role and he clearly isn't.

Time for the tough love his mother isn't giving: tell him to seek professional help and get back to you when he's certain what he wants as an adult and strong enough to live it out. Don't promise to put your life on hold meanwhile and don't offer to be his crutch.

You did not cause his problems; you cannot fix his problems; you are under no obligation to try.

When someone says they love you, it's reasonable to ask yourself, 'How do I know this?' Words are cheap; love shows itself in actions.

I would say before anything else he needs to go to his GP who can diagnose his mental health condition and then prescribe the right medication for him. It sounds like it might be generalised anxiety with OCD tendencies and there are many safe and effective medicines that can really help manage this. Once his anxiety is under control I would think you will have an excellent chance of sorting out your problems - you might even find they disappear!

The biggest hurdle will be getting him to phone/see the doctor - perhaps his mum can help you with that?

Many medications really don’t take that long to start making a difference and you might well see a change in 2 weeks or so if he can start taking the right one straight away.

Good luck and god bless

What’s best for your children? What impact do you think the conflict and inconsistency is having on them?

It comes down to can you spend the next 49/50/60 years like this?
His anxiety is always going to be there, just as if he had a physical condition - can you "cope" with it?
I
It may be that there are treatments that can help, and it would be better, but equally, it might get worse over time.
You need to really consider just how much you can deal with, and even if you want to deal with whatever comes.
You and your children have needs and wants too.
It's a horrible position for both of you to be in, but you need to try and put emotion aside if you can and have a serious think about what you can and will do to either keep trying or end the relationship.

Thank you for your replies.

I’ve sent him a text on the lines of what Newly granny has said. The only reply I got was ‘okay, thank you’

He’s on matazapine and has been for years. He had a severe life changing accident in his early 20’s and although he can walk he’s a tetraplygic - he had therapy around 2 years ago and it did seem to make a huge difference to his outlook - I feel like he needs a ‘jump start’ and potentially different medications- he’s been on the metazapine for years and it’s the max dose.

With regards to him getting in touch with the GP I think he will make all the right noises and it won’t happen. He’s supposed to have had an MRI under GA for the last 4 years and he won’t go - that’s based on the fear of him knowing his condition is getting worse but he doesn’t want it confirming.

I do agree about being enabled & I think that comes down to his accident and the fear he would be paralysed from the neck down. It does him no favour and I’ve always been really tough with him to counteract the way others treat him.

It’s a really horrible tough situation and not what any of us need a few days before Xmas.
Ultimately your all right and it comes down to if he make the step to get the help, I can’t do another 6 of him hiding away in his mums spare bedroom, paranoid & reclusive let alone 30/40 years.

For context he is almost 40 in a couple of months.

And yes absolutely the children deserve better which is why I suggested this 2/1 cycle for continuity for all of us.

In answer to pombears, yes I can cope with his physical condition and I am fully expecting him to be confined to a wheel chair in the next 15/20 years. I can’t deal with the silence & mixed messages & the locking himself away from everyone and everything it’s been four plus weeks and to go from the affectionate, caring team player to this unrecognisable shadow hurts my heart and my head and the children.

He has now fully shut down and blocked me on everything.

I’ve got him a new king and a photo frame with nice photo of him & baby - would it be too much to leave it on his mums doorstep without the Xmas card but a little card to say I hope you get well soon and we love him?