To not know how I feel about this

[xmasfairybuns]

A close relative died from covid and for various reasons only one family member could go to the funeral. Now we are arranging to scatter the ashes but my middle sister and brother (twins) have said they've done the worst part of their grieving and are coming out of the other side, they weren't at the funeral and neither was I. They have decided that they won't come to the ash scattering because of how they feel about the stage of grieving they are at. I'm not sure it's the right decision so I don't know whether we should go ahead with it without them or wait for longer.

They've made their decision, so proceed without them.

What you are saying is you think you know better and you want to give them time to come round to your way of thinking.

It's their decision. Respect it (and them).

They told you how they feel. Why can't you respect that?

Respect their decision and move forward with the ashes scattering. Everyone grieves differently

You need to respect how they feel; this isn’t about you.

You go ahead; to postpone would be saying you don’t trust they know what’s best for them.

What?! They don’t want to be there. You want to wait, why? To guilt them into coming?

@Leaannb

They told you how they feel. Why can't you respect that?

Because we can wait, we don't have to do it now and it'd give them time to be sure they have made the decision they are happiest with. if they don't want to come then that's their choice but once it's done, it's done and there is no going back.

Sorry for your loss OP

But they are presumably old enough to make their own decisions so you need to respect that. Maybe ask if they would like you to postpone so they can join you, but accept it if they say no.

if they don't want to come then that's their choice but once it's done, it's done and there is no going back

They’ve been given the opportunity to attend and have declined , if they change their minds and regret it then that’s on them .

I’d respect their decision and go ahead without them.

I get where you’re coming from OP. It’s not that you’re disrespecting their wishes, but just wanting to know whether to wait in case they change their minds. Sometimes people will feel too upset and make decisions in the moment, but then a week or a month later might wish that they had attended the scattering of the ashes. If I was you, maybe I would delay it a month and then check in with them again. If they still decline, just go ahead with it.

@Livelovebehappy

I get where you’re coming from OP. It’s not that you’re disrespecting their wishes, but just wanting to know whether to wait in case they change their minds. Sometimes people will feel too upset and make decisions in the moment, but then a week or a month later might wish that they had attended the scattering of the ashes. If I was you, maybe I would delay it a month and then check in with them again. If they still decline, just go ahead with it.

That's it in a nutshell. I haven't told them I am thinking about waiting a while but I might just do it, it's not something we have to rush to do as it's been months already.

I’d probably wait, not so much in case they change their minds but because you maybe need to process your siblings not wanting to be there.

You could scatter part of the ashes and have some of the ashes kept, whether in a jar or a special keepsake for each family member. That way they can all be a part of it. Though, I'd check if they want a little keepsake first just in case they aren't comfortable with ashes (some people are weirded out, feel no attachment to ashes etc etc). A couple of my friends have done this, so they can have a little reminder each and honour their wishes to be scattered as well 😊