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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No presents - sensible or stingy?

36 replies

Christmascrybaby · 20/12/2020 15:52

First of all I KNOW that lots of people have it a lot worse but, for some reason, this just seems to have tipped me over the edge. This year (as bloody always) dh has left me to do all the shopping for gifts for everyone. (We have 3 kids). Also this year, unusually but understandably given the circumstances, relatives have asked me to buy the presents for our kids on their behalf. I have done this. DH and I agreed not to give each other presents - there is nothing we really need and we have lots of things we need to buy for the house so it seemed a bit pointless. SIL and I always swap presents though (nothing expensive but something thoughtful) so I was rather looking forward to my ONE present from SIL to open on Christmas day. Today DH told me that he had told his brother ages ago that we weren't doing any presents this year!! (I had already ordered SIL's present by then and it is personal to her so, of course, I can't really not give it. I also can't wait until her birthday as that is midsummer and this is a "winter" present. In any case, I chose it for her and I want to give it to her). DH thinks AIBU and I am also being ridiculous but I just feel that Christmas is now going to be basically me in the kitchen doing a lot of work, not seeing anyone and not getting any presents. Feel totally deflated.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 20/12/2020 15:56

I can understand how you feel; it’s for that reason that DH and I always do presents even if our budget is small and I ask for something that I don’t necessarily need but is a bit of a treat or luxury.

MaskingForIt · 20/12/2020 15:56

If you’re doing all the shopping, cooking and Christmas preparation, what is your husband doing? Unless he is bankrolling the whole event he should surely be giving you a present to say thank you for making Christmas happen for your family?

triceratops12 · 20/12/2020 15:58

I agree! When I had DC I felt really miffed as adults stop buying for adults with children in our family. I'm always skint from buying the children stuff so actually the boots 3 for 2 bath set is a blessing and a real treat for me!

OrigamiOwl · 20/12/2020 15:58

I would feel the exact same way as you. You're doing all the donkey work for everyone else and you've ended up at the bottom of the pile.
It's either up to your DH to explain to his sister that he made a mistake and fix it (as he told them about this decision without any input from you), or buy yourself a nice treat as a replacement to open on Christmas Day.

Original poster
Christmascrybaby · 20/12/2020 16:01

He has a very strange relationship with presents. He just doesn't like them and if I let him buy for the kids they would literally be getting satsumas and nuts, maybe a pair of socks. Now I am not extravagant by any means but I think we all deserve to feel that someone has thought about us at Christmas. Also DH's choice of presents for me is often spectacularly bad so it is safer to say no presents from him as the reality is often worse than no present. But I would have liked a little something from SIL!

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmascrybaby · 20/12/2020 16:06

Plus it's doubly bloody annoying that he said that since the situation is a bit trickier this year, this saves us from the hassle of shopping. Of course, he failed to tell me about this arrangement though so it hasn't actually saved me any hassle at all - the only thing it has saved is DH having to buy a present for his brother (so basically he has only had to buy one present this year, and that was one I suggested!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmascrybaby · 20/12/2020 16:07

If you’re doing all the shopping, cooking and Christmas preparation, what is your husband doing? Unless he is bankrolling the whole event he should surely be giving you a present to say thank you for making Christmas happen for your family?

I wish!

OP posts:
MRC20 · 20/12/2020 16:11

My OP is the same. I just asked him to give me his card so I could order myself a load of stuff (which he did and I did). He never gets me anything I really want anyway so this way I get good stuff. Am making him wrap them though.

billy1966 · 20/12/2020 16:14

He sounds like a right twat OP.

You have my sympathiesFlowers

Original poster
Christmascrybaby · 20/12/2020 16:16

He sounds like a right twat OP.

Thank you! This has made me feel somewhat better. Grin

OP posts:
halcyondays · 20/12/2020 16:19

Can’t your dh get you something small so you have a present to open?
Something very inexpensive so it’s not much of a waste of money if you don’t like that.

Original poster
Christmascrybaby · 20/12/2020 16:24

Can’t your dh get you something small so you have a present to open?

I hope he will. I have done that for him. I don't know if that would even occur to him though.

OP posts:
FadedRed · 20/12/2020 16:24

Your DH sounds a selfish man.
Get yourself something lovely that you want, wrap it (or get it gift wrapped) and open it on Christmas Day. When he asks you who gave it to you say “My fantasy husband.”

StoneofDestiny · 20/12/2020 16:26

Tell your DSIL it's the first time you have heard of the 'no presents' thing and that you have bought her a gift and always will.

I had this 'no presents' think dumped on me recently by one person - I'd already done the gift shopping. I was insulted as I do think it's 'the season of giving' and to swap a gift once a year, even a small one, is hardly a hardship, especially if you hardly see them - however small the gift.

june2007 · 20/12/2020 16:26

Well I can see both sides. You can still give your sil a present but yes it might be a bit akward. I would phone her and let her know the situation. But perhaps say you don,t expect anything in return.

june2007 · 20/12/2020 16:27

And make sure you get your oh helping. Do veg prep Christmas eve give yourself more time. (or get him to do veg prep.)

Original poster
Christmascrybaby · 20/12/2020 16:29

I really don't mind giving SIL a present and not getting one back - it's not her fault and I chose the present with her in mind. It's just infuriating that "d"h made the decision that WE are not doing presents but didn't tell me. I guess he thought it was still early as, if he does buy anything, it will probably be on Christmas Eve.

OP posts:
MindyStClaire · 20/12/2020 16:30

I'd explicitly ask your DH to get you something small from the DC. That's what we've done, we often don't really do presents to each other, and this year we're getting something expensive but haven't got around to organising it. But there will be socks and chocolates under the tree from the children so we'll have something little to open. I'd be sad to have nothing to open at all.

nosswith · 20/12/2020 16:32

DH should have told you ages ago about the conversation with his brother, indeed at the time he had the discussion.

SwedishK · 20/12/2020 16:34

@FadedRed

Your DH sounds a selfish man. Get yourself something lovely that you want, wrap it (or get it gift wrapped) and open it on Christmas Day. When he asks you who gave it to you say “My fantasy husband.”
This is the best option. Passive aggressiveness is underrated.
katy1213 · 20/12/2020 16:35

Tell him straight that you deserve a thank you and as he's useless as surprises, tell him what you want! At the very least, surely he could order a flower delivery?

Original poster
Christmascrybaby · 20/12/2020 16:36

DH should have told you ages ago about the conversation with his brother, indeed at the time he had the discussion.

Agreed. But he is known for his terrible communication. He has failed to tell me much more important information than this. Lots of times.

I am leaning towards the passive agressive "fantasy husband" option!

OP posts:
Boulshired · 20/12/2020 16:36

No matter how nice and thoughtful the gift is, the worst thing anyone can do for me is give me a gift when I haven’t got one to give back. I just hate it, especially if I have been told “we’re not doing it this year”. DP is shit at the gift buying but he will do other stuff I hate to make up for it.

katy1213 · 20/12/2020 16:36

The fantasy husband is a great idea - as, of course, he will continue buying for Valentine's day, birthdays and whenever the mean git you married doesn't step up.

Original poster
Christmascrybaby · 20/12/2020 16:38

@Boulshired That is true and I don't want to embarrass her so I have now told DH to tell his brother that I had already got a gift for her. She's still got a few days if she wants to get something but I don't mind if she can't.

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