To have DF for Christmas?

[omgwhatapalaver]

Ok so my DF is having cancer treatment (no dm on the scene). We've been told it's not curable but they hope to give him a bit more time.

Anyway there's four siblings. One lives abroad so not causing any issues. About a month ago we were discussing Christmas plans (all in tier two) and between us we agreed that he should go to older DB and SIL as they wfh as does their DS so they are the lowest risk household. Rest of us have school age kids, work indoors with other people etc, so made sense, DF happy with that. DB said they were basically able to self isolate to make it safe as possible.

Anyway yesterday SIL was out walking with a friend and was spotted by my other DB, who has kicked off saying she shouldn't be going out for walks and should be staying in the house for two weeks to protect DF. He is now saying he doesn't want df going there for Christmas and I'm stuck in the middle. I don't think it's an issue, they aren't mixing with anyone indoors and clearly we don't want DF left alone Xmas day, so what's the alternative? DB who's kicking off hasn't actually got any better ideas, he's just moaning for the sake of it. Is he BU or does he have a point?

He is being ridiculous. And I say that as someone who is in a bubble with an elderly parent recovering from blood cancer.

Sorry, it's not me having DF...I meant my DB having him for Christmas.

I know full well DF is happy with the arrangement and don't understand why my other dB is being such a dick about it. Last thing dad needs now is a family feud.

I am also isolating (my version) in order to visit my parents.
I am also going for walks, but choosing places and times where I know there will be few if any people.
I have also delivered cards and presents locally and have answered my door.
At no time have I been less than 2m from anyone, always outdoors, and any encounters have been less than 4 mins except one where I was a good 6m away and sitting in my car (talking to shielding person in their front porch).
I have sanitised every time I have touched a doorbell or letterbox or received a card or parcel.
My parents have been doing the same (and my DB and SIL but they are now in Tier 4 so that's now irrelevant).
I think that's fine and - for me - your DB IBU.

It is up to the parties involved. Even in tier 4 you can go for a all with another person. If DF feels concerned then he should stay at home , otherwise, and particularly with his health issues, he should go and spend Christmas with his family

Is your other brother now offering to host your dad, or is he just moaning for the sake of it?
If SIL is following the rules, such as social distancing etc, then there's no issue here.

He can't host my dad, he has school age kids plus an older one who's out and about with his mates all the time, and his Dw works in a public facing job. That's what's annoying as he can't come up with an alternative.

I take it your DF is fully cognitive? If so, it's entirely his decision, not his son's.

It's not down to you. Your father can decide for himself.

Yes he's fully cognitive and it's what he wants to do. DB however seems to want to involve everyone in a family row about it.

You know bil is being a dick... bet he’s probably scared re Covid, and he knows this is probably last year so probably a bit of anger mixed in. You ‘should’ all be together and you can’t, Tbf it’s awful. That said can anyone speak to his wife to chat to him or speak to him and try to calm him down? If not then just have to calmly tell him dad can make his own decisions and not to upset him

@AuntyMabelandPippin

I take it your DF is fully cognitive? If so, it's entirely his decision, not his son's.

This with bells on. The infantilisation of older relatives going on now is appalling.

I think I would hand it back to your DB in the way pp have suggested , that it is DF choice and it is not ok to be trying to override his wishes.

I have a dsis who is currently trying very much to override my DP wishes. Whilst I don't engage with her directly my dm discussed it with me. I pointed out she and df were adults with capacity which means they are perfectly able to make their own decisions ,even if I wanted to (I absolutely don't want to get involved in their issues )it was highly inappropriate for me to comment.

An interesting conversation came out about how many of DM friends were being "told" they couldn't be alone for Christmas (at least 2 want to be because they don't want to mix) or that they needed to do X Y Z. I pointed out that in adult social care if you try that on someone with full capacity in many cases you would face disciplinary if not worse.

You can suggest , your DB cannot tell and I would be asking him why he thought it was ok to try to take your df right to choose away.

This is why "oooohhhhhh but they meeaaannn well" makes my teeth itch. Generally no they don't, they just think they know better ,are more important and are controlling asshats.

If your brother is not providing an alternative option then he has no right to interfere.

Your DF is the one who needs to make a decision. It's his choice.