To feel really hurt by a friend cutting me out?

[Marleymoo42]

She's a childhood friend. We went through everything together. We've not lived near each other for 20 years but have always made an effort to catch up or meet up. She supported me when I lost my mum, I supported her when she lost her dad. We dont see a lot of each other but she has always been a person who I could text out the blue and pick up where I left off with.

We're now late 30s. I consider myself quite realistic about friendships. Some friends I've not kept up as they've have changed over the years or their prioritise have changed with partners and children. I feel that that's life. I did think though that by this age people had done their changing and if they'd stuck around for 20 years, still sending your kids birthday presents and you anniversary cards on your mothers death, they were there for the long haul?

Only this last year she has slowly cut me out. First it was not replying to text messages. I didn't think anything of it at first but it's gone on to he point where I'm embarrassed to message her and ask how she is as there is a thread of ignored messages. Now I discover shes had a baby and not let me know. I knew she was pregnant, that was the last time she got in contact. Shes put baby pictures on social media but not let be know about the babies safe arrival and I dont even know the name.

I feel so hurt but I dont know where to go from here. Do I send a card if she hasn't told me? Do I just walk away from this 35 year friendship? This girl was like a sister at some points in my life. I dont understand what's happened.

Uabu- people change, just move on
Uanbu - she's behaved unreasonably and you are right to feel hurt

You could text a “hi how are you? I’m guessing you’re due around now, and wanted to see how everything was going?”

But I know how you must feel. I’m sorry.

As the hop suggests. Give her one more chance, wish her a merry healthy Christmas and if you don’t hear back, forget her. It’s hurts though.

I’d message saying ‘wow saw you’ve had baby.... congratulations, so happy for you, what’s their name would like to send a gift’ etc and give it another shot.
If she doesn’t respond then she’s not a nice person and so you’re better off not being friends. Sorry it’s a shitty thing to do. However I have ghosted people in the past, who couldn’t see how horribly their behaviour was and at the time my mental health couldn’t cope with confrontation.

Some people just can't cope with maintaining relationships so far apart or not.aeeing regularly etc.
I wouldn't read too much into it, it's a shame but no point forcing it.
Just enjoy the good memories.

I would send a message congratulating her and asking for name etc. If she doesn't respond to that, let it go.

I think I would find it easier if I could think how I could have upset her but I dont see enough of her and we have always been on such good terms. I can only assume she just no longer likes me.

All of our friendship has been long distance since school and that has never seemed like a problem.

I just feel so pathetic aged 38 having a little cry about my school friend ignoring me!

How hurtful. I think you need to be upfront with her and congratulate her on the birth of her baby but also ask if everything is ok as you haven’t heard from her. I think you need to call her out on her hurtful behaviour. She at least owes you an explanation as to why she has gone so cold. She could be depressed or there may be a valid reason she no longer wants to be friends. I would have to get some closure if I were you at least. Losing a best friend of many years is like a bereavement

@Marleymoo42

I think I would find it easier if I could think how I could have upset her but I dont see enough of her and we have always been on such good terms. I can only assume she just no longer likes me.

All of our friendship has been long distance since school and that has never seemed like a problem.

I just feel so pathetic aged 38 having a little cry about my school friend ignoring me!

You’re not pathetic, you are hurt and rightly so. A best friendship is a special relationship.

It's been a shit year for everyone, maybe she was struggling and the stress of a baby mid pandemic can't be easy. I agree with comments, congratulating her and if no reply then draw a line under it. x

I kind of agree with both your YABU and YANBU because they are not the opposite of each other.

She has behaved unreasonably and of course you are going to be hurt. But if there is a string of unanswered messages, I also think you need to move on. I guess you could give it one last shot and wish her Merry Christmas, but if there is no answer to that then it would seem she has decided to end the friendship in this horrible way.

There have been lots of threads on here this year with people reevaluating friendships.

Perhaps your friendship style of text out the blue and pick up where I left off on your terms, doesn't work for her any more.

Going out on a limb but instead of texting why not actually CALL her. She can't ignore you then and the way she reacts to your call will tell you all you need to know. My bf has been my bf since the day we started school together at age 4. That's a 43 year friendship. She's in London, I'm in thr North and we are lucky to see each other twice a year but we text and talk throughout the year (not constantly) and I know I could pick up thr phone at any time and vice versa and we would be there for one another. I would be devastated if our friendship fell apart so I do feel for you, Op.

The friendship is dead. Someone like this isn't a good friend anyway.

Don't abase yourself further by congratulating her or sending a gift for a baby whose birth she couldn't even be bothered to include you on a mass message/email.

Delete her from social media and your phone and out her in the past where she belongs.

We used to chat on the phone regularly. It was definitely a two way friendship where we both got in contact out of the blue and she would tell me how much she valued having someone to talk to. I dont really want to call her out as I suppose i dont want to leave our friendship on bad terms. If I asked what I had done and she didnt reply then I dont think I could cope with that. I will send her a nice and message and leave it. It's just so hurtful and unnecessary but maybe she had reevaulated our friendship and cut me out.

I know EXACTLY how you feel, and it hurts. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I had a friend who I counted as a close friend. We used to chat several times a day on messenger, just about nothing much. Every single day. Then one day last December she suddenly stopped replying to me. A few messages went unanswered. I was in the same position as you and felt embarrassed to try again.

Her birthday came round and I thought that was a good chance to try one more time so I messaged saying "happy birthday, hope you have a lovely day. How are you all? We haven't spoken in ages". Hours later she replied "Thanks. We are all fine". No how are you/hope you're all well etc. My birthday was a few days later and she didn't message me so I have left it.

I don't know what on earth I've done, but I'd really like to know.

A friend of mine cut everybody off during pregnancy. She had sever ante-natal and then post-natal depression. Could it be something like this?

*severe

I cut people off earlier in the year.
I am about to slowly do it to someone else.
For me, I have moved on, I felt judged and was in a very bad place over the space of a couple of years, I didnt feel people around me were genuine.
Op, just because you called and your friend said it was nice to talk to someone, doesn't mean that the friendship was 'working' for her.
I loved seeing and chatting to my friends, but I would also feel awful afterwards, like I said too much about my life, like they may tell other people and use it as gossip.
And I felt awful when they would tell me good and positive things about thier life and I would feel sad, angry or upset about it.
I have no filter and will tell someone everythjng about my life, then go over it afterwards.. regretting being so open.
Ive been hurt by people in the past so that doesn't help.

Also, I started to find things 'hard work' having a conversation with someone was one thing, but then the suggestion of meeting, I just didnt want to, I am quite happy doing my own day to day thing and carrying on.

All this from someone who was extremely social for many years and had a large group of friends.

Sometimes op (and Pp) its not about you, but about the other person.

Oh and just to mention, Dp and I are planning IVF, if it worked I would not be letting people (beside immediate family) know, until I have to or until the baby is born. For some personal reasons, such as not wanting my DC father and wife knowing early and not wanting a fuss.

Again. No reflection on anyone I know, but my own personal reasons to not include anyone.

It is very hurtful so YANBU.
Could it be that she decided while pregnant that she was going to make & concentrate on new 'mum' friends?
Sometimes people feel like nobody else can possibly understand unless they're going through the same life stage.
In all honesty I'd be inclined to comment congratulations on her social media & then leave it.
She might regret losing touch after a while & contact you. You can re-evaluate how you feel about the friendship then but for now just be kind to yourself & leave it.

Thanks for the replies. It's good to have perspective. And sorry those if you who have also been hurt by people. I just would never cut someone out unless there was a genuine reason. Lots of my friendships have changed and I dont expect to remain a persons best friend for life but I will always reply to a text message if someone asks how i am. It's just really hurtful.