To think no one really gives a shit.

[Cardiepockets]

I put a lot of energy in to my close friends and family because they mean a lot to me. If they need help they call me, even at daft hours. I’ll sit and listen to there issues and woes and try - if they want - to help - often financially.

My marriage has just broken up and for the first time ever I need a bit of support and tbh they’ve been really shit.

My best friend of thirty years and I’ve heard hardly anything of her apart from that her child would like to see mine so fancy a walk? I’m actually really hurt by her as I’ve supported her through 20 years of a shit marriage and a cancer scare and a breakdown.

My mother ringing only to tell me that she is going for her covid vaccination or that she braved going to the shops and that she’d got baileys flavoured cream for our Xmas dinner.

Family members ringing me to say that they were skint and could they borrow money or what they had just bought their kids for Xmas as they were making it extra special.

And I’m supposed to coo over the cute pictures they send me of their kids.

Is divorce really this lonely?

Is it possible they're trying to not draw your kind to it constantly? Occupy you with other things?

Perhaps they just assume you are strong and don’t need the support, I’m sure people think this about me sometimes.
You will need to say you’re not ok and need some support.

I've done pretty much the same as you. Been a shoulder to cry on for friends, listened to their woes, and in return I got nothing. I've never been through a divorce, however I did go through a hard time when I lost a close relative, no one even asked me if they could do anything to help or even ask me how I am doing, so I basically fucked them off! I rather have no friends then 'friends' who take you for what they can. And also you really know who your friends are in a time of crisis.

I'm sorry to hear that OP. That's shit. I think some people can be a bit thoughtless.

Like a PP said - you might need to say you're struggling. It's a shame you have to state it, but people can be self-absorbed, or just not very sensitive, unfortunately.

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time.

Sorry you're going through this, OP - it's shit at the best of times but must be especially awful to deal with at the end of such an exceptionally stressful year. Tbh I think the pandemic has made many people go into a sort of self-preservation mode and prioritise their own immediate needs a lot more - I've seen this a lot among people I know who are normally perfectly caring. Have you tried telling your mum, BF, etc, that you could really do with a bit of support?I don't think that would be unreasonable at all. They might be trying to act "normal" for you, be uncomfortable about saying anything in case they upset you, etc... you just never know.

I hope you start getting the support you deserve

@Karcheer

Perhaps they just assume you are strong and don’t need the support, I’m sure people think this about me sometimes. You will need to say you’re not ok and need some support.

I actually thought this today. I’m a positive person outwardly but still - my marriage has broken up - and badly. When the shit hit the fab two very good friends - best friend included were well aware and they disappeared. Apart from asking for a outside play dates.

It’s just really pissed me off.

@myhumps123

I've done pretty much the same as you. Been a shoulder to cry on for friends, listened to their woes, and in return I got nothing. I've never been through a divorce, however I did go through a hard time when I lost a close relative, no one even asked me if they could do anything to help or even ask me how I am doing, so I basically fucked them off! I rather have no friends then 'friends' who take you for what they can. And also you really know who your friends are in a time of crisis.

That sounds really shit myhumps and sorry for your loss. I’m really at that point now.

@BarelyFunctioning

I'm sorry to hear that OP. That's shit. I think some people can be a bit thoughtless.

Like a PP said - you might need to say you're struggling. It's a shame you have to state it, but people can be self-absorbed, or just not very sensitive, unfortunately.

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time.

Thank you x

@Seventytwo

Sorry you're going through this, OP - it's shit at the best of times but must be especially awful to deal with at the end of such an exceptionally stressful year. Tbh I think the pandemic has made many people go into a sort of self-preservation mode and prioritise their own immediate needs a lot more - I've seen this a lot among people I know who are normally perfectly caring. Have you tried telling your mum, BF, etc, that you could really do with a bit of support?I don't think that would be unreasonable at all. They might be trying to act "normal" for you, be uncomfortable about saying anything in case they upset you, etc... you just never know.

I hope you start getting the support you deserve

I definitely agree with this. I have done it myself. I have struggled and found myself with nothing left to give to people in situations where, in normal times, I would have been more caring. It's actually made me feel worse again! This has been a year of getting through one day at a time.

However, I would guess that divorce is very, very lonely and I'm sorry you're going through it without the support you clearly need.

@Cardiepockets if you are going through a hard time in private and they didn't know about your shit divorce then obviously they can't be there for you, but the fact is they know and have chosen to stay silent is really shitty of them.
Honestly just see it as now you know who they really are and you are better off without them.

@Seventytwo

Sorry you're going through this, OP - it's shit at the best of times but must be especially awful to deal with at the end of such an exceptionally stressful year. Tbh I think the pandemic has made many people go into a sort of self-preservation mode and prioritise their own immediate needs a lot more - I've seen this a lot among people I know who are normally perfectly caring. Have you tried telling your mum, BF, etc, that you could really do with a bit of support?I don't think that would be unreasonable at all. They might be trying to act "normal" for you, be uncomfortable about saying anything in case they upset you, etc... you just never know.

I hope you start getting the support you deserve

I have thought about telling my best friend. And tbh we normally have a very straight talking relationship but I feel like she should know the stress I’m under at the moment work wise and that my marriage exploded literally over night - as i told her that night.

@ that was 15 years ago and honestly I am so happy that they showed me who they really were, it meant I could bin them without feeling any guilt. Good luck.

Not one single person asked me if I was ok when I was going through my divorce (domestic violence related too so would have expected some sympathy).
I felt very alone.

@catfeets I'm really very sorry to hear that. I hope you are in a better place now.

@catfeets

Not one single person asked me if I was ok when I was going through my divorce (domestic violence related too so would have expected some sympathy). I felt very alone.

That’s horrible catsfeet

OP you sound a totally decent, lovely person who bloody well deserves better. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they think you are coping great with it and don’t want it brought up. (Perhaps they hated your DH and think you should be whooping for joy he is gone- I’ve had people expect this of me in an early relationship). But they should be checking in with you and showing you they care. You shouldn’t have to, but perhaps try and let your mum and closest friends know you are really feeling it right now, give them the chance to step up and help. There is a chance they might just be oblivious.

Well they say to find out who your friends really are when you get divorced.

Sometimes when you are a giver and the time comes to make a withdrawal, you realise how many people are just takers.

I'm not a fan of having close relationships with people for this reason.

Maybe your mum and your best friend were looking at ways of keeping the lines of communication open?
But yes, divorce is lonely. It isn't for the fainthearted.

OP, I’m sorry things are so crap. However, it sounds to me as if you have positioned yourself as the helper/bailer out/rescuer/shoulder to cry on /therapist in all your relationships, which can make you end up invisible as a person with your own needs when things go bad for you and you expect the same kind of total devotion without having to explicitly ask for it.