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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think H blew this comment way out of proportion?

19 replies

OllyOllyOll · 19/12/2020 19:09

Having a general chat with DH this evening.

My DSC are going to their mums tomorrow but I wasn't sure what time so I asked as we are going to do our 'Christmas shop'. He said he wasn't sure, he'd ask.

I made a comment like 'it might be easier if it were before we did the shop so we didn't have to drag them round asking to go home the whole time!'.

It wasn't said with any nastiness or anything just an observation that the kids hate shopping, probably not best for us all to go!

He said it probably won't be until after so I said okay no worries.

And then he randomly just went all arsey with me, saying why was I pissing him off, why was I saying his kids were an inconvenience, what did I fucking want him to do, he's sorry he's got kids and so on.... I was just sat there like.... What?!

I said why on earth is he acting like I've just said I hate his children (who I treat extremely well and have a great relationship with, I just know they hate shopping!).

I'm so angry. I'm a bloody good step mum and I feel so disrespected that I've just been scolded and patronised (saying things like you'd understand if you had kids) for making a general comment about going shopping with the kids...?

Wtf, surely he's blown this way out of proportion? I'm so annoyed. Especially because the kids are upstairs and I was just like 'SHUT UP before they hear you and think that's remotely like what I actually said?!'

OP posts:
NotOfThisWorld · 19/12/2020 19:11

He's being a massive arse. Why would you want to drag the kids round a packed supermarket if you didn't have to? Boring for the kids, harder work for the adults.

Palatka · 19/12/2020 19:12

I think i'd have said "Actually, I was just thinking of the kids' comfort and enjoyment, but hey ho..."

Make him realise HIBU

HotSince63 · 19/12/2020 19:12

He blew your comment out of proportion but why does it need two adults plus children to do the Christmas shop? Confused

Go on your own, or you stay at home with the kids and send him to do it.

londongirl12 · 19/12/2020 19:15

Only 1 person should be shopping anyway. Did you say at the time you didn't mean how he took it?

Ladderinmytights · 19/12/2020 19:15

Just do the shop yourself, no?

Original poster
OllyOllyOll · 19/12/2020 19:18

I planned on doing it alone but he's insisted he wants to come to help.. Hmm

Did you say at the time you didn't mean how he took it?

Yes.. he said he knows it'd be easier without them but why did I need to say it, what did I expect him to do, 'sorry for having kids'. I literally don't get how he's taken it as such a negative thing.

OP posts:
lovepickledlimes · 19/12/2020 19:18

To be honest I think even with your own kids I doubt anyone enjoys doing the food shop dragging the kids around. Massive over reaction

Shinyletsbebadguys · 19/12/2020 19:19

He absolutely needs to apologise. I'm in his shoes so to speak and I would never say that to my DP. Accusing a step parent who is decent and good of not caring about your DC is really wrong. It's a cheap shot and it would be a massive line crossed to pull that card unless it was true and there was a bigger back story.

Honestly I would expect DP to sit me down ask me to apologise or it would be quite a serious damage issue to our relationship. When a step parent develops a good relationship with DC it's a nasty cheap shot to target that to win a row.

HotSince63 · 19/12/2020 19:19

Just go out now and do the shop while he's in a strop. It doesn't need two adults to do it.

Original poster
OllyOllyOll · 19/12/2020 19:20

@lovepickledlimes

To be honest I think even with your own kids I doubt anyone enjoys doing the food shop dragging the kids around. Massive over reaction
He even agreed that it would be easier and they'd hate it but 'why did I need to say it out loud'.

He's made out like I've said 'get rid of the kids, I don't want them here tomorrow so we can go shopping'.

OP posts:
GCITC · 19/12/2020 19:21

Basically he's not looking at the facts. He's heard what you've said but took it to mean something completely different to what you intended. As pp said, explain you said it as you were looking out for the kids, not that you thought of them as a burden. If he doesn't accept that then he's definitely being an arse.

Ohtherewearethen · 19/12/2020 19:21

I would rather wipe Donald Trump's arse than take my whole family shopping today. I went earlier and it was an all new level of hell. Dragging my bored husband and kids round with me would have resulted in an almighty falling out. Your husband is being a bit of a baby. I think I'd suggest he takes the children to do the Christmas food shop and he might then realise why you suggested doing it after they had gone.

Original poster
OllyOllyOll · 19/12/2020 19:22

When a step parent develops a good relationship with DC it's a nasty cheap shot to target that to win a row

This is exactly how I feel.

I actually cried because I was so upset that he was making out I thought his kids were an inconvenience and I was so worried they were going to hear him and think that's what I'd said!

I treat them so well, we do so much together, I'm really good with them.

It's like you're expected to act like a parent in how you treat them but you're not allowed to make one comment that they might winge a little in the supermarket (like all kids!). Something that he'd say himself and agree with!

OP posts:
ChocolateCherrybomb · 19/12/2020 19:23

He felt like having a go at you and you gave him a very slight opportunity and he grabbed it with gusto. It sounds like he paused, after you told him no worries, to consider how best to twist it before going off.

Maybe HE wants to get out of going shopping or go off and do something or other that a massive fight and/or storming out of the front door would facilitate.

Age old tactic of sly cunty bastard men, that one is.

JillofTrades · 19/12/2020 19:23

Yanbu you asked a perfectly reasonable question. Most people wouldn't want to take their own DC around shopping, so he way overreacted making it out to be something else.

yelyah22 · 19/12/2020 19:32

I only ask because otherwise it seems really weird - has there been tension/issues with him having children before? At the start of your relationship, even? Is it possible he's picked up on some (real or imaginary) issue you have with them being around? I can only think this is coming from somewhere, even if it's something he's just imagined, because otherwise it's a very strange thing to suddenly assume is a problem out of nowhere...

SnackySnack · 19/12/2020 19:47

Your definitely not in the wrong at all. I say this about my own child, he is the unreasonable one and sounds like jesus took a few cheap shots. Arsehole

Original poster
OllyOllyOll · 19/12/2020 19:48

@yelyah22

I only ask because otherwise it seems really weird - has there been tension/issues with him having children before? At the start of your relationship, even? Is it possible he's picked up on some (real or imaginary) issue you have with them being around? I can only think this is coming from somewhere, even if it's something he's just imagined, because otherwise it's a very strange thing to suddenly assume is a problem out of nowhere...
Honestly nothing I can think of.

He's been really stressed recently about work so I imagine it's that and as PP said, it was just a cheap shot he could take because he's in a bad mood and looking for an argument.

OP posts:
M4J4 · 19/12/2020 20:03

He's a knob. How much are you doing for the kids? He could be getting complacent. Who does their cooking, washing etc?

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