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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I say something or do I keep my beak out?

49 replies

dilemma12345 · 19/12/2020 18:54

Okay so backstory is I have a friend, I wouldn't call her a close friend but we used to meet up for coffee sometimes and now facetime once a week or so. I also know her mother quite well (this is relevant) as our parents used to be friends and I went round to friends house a lot when we were teenagers.

Friends mum is very very paranoid about covid- she doesn't have any health conditions but is at more risk due to her age. Basically doesn't leave her house anymore apart from to go for walks.

Friend hasn't seen her mum face to face since August- and that was outside at a distance. They had planned to spend Christmas Day together (not in tier 4 so allowed) providing friend basically self isolates for the 2 weeks prior. She works from home so easy enough to do.

Here's the dilemma- friend has basically told me when we facetimed that she's not self isolating, has met up with different people, been going to restarants, out shopping in London, etc. She said she was planning to pretend she had to her mum, and basically what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

I was talking to my DP and she thinks I should message her mum on facebook, so at least she knows and can choose not to see her if she's not okay with that. I feel like I should keep my beak out because it's not my buisness and I don't want to interfere.

OP posts:

cariadlet · 20/12/2020 09:11

It's awful that your friend is prepared to lie to her mum and really unfair of her to tell you. She's put you in a no win situation.

I think that you should tell her how uncomfortable this makes you feel; tell her that she's trying to make you lie by omission. Give her a chance to come clean to her mum and warn her that if she doesn't tell her mum then you will. After that, her mum will be in a position to make an informed decision and decide for herself what she wants to do.

NotImpossible · 20/12/2020 09:14

Unfortunately your friend had now involved you so you're either complicit in the lie and will probably feel guilt about any possible consequences or you tell and deal with the consequences of that.

I'm not sure I'd worry about losing the friendship of someone who would do that.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 20/12/2020 09:14

Don't say a word

PerveenMistry · 20/12/2020 09:15

@Seventytwo

I'd tell your friend in no uncertain terms how reprehensible her behaviour is. Actually, if she's as much of a twat as she sounds, I'd probably think sod the friendship and tell the mum!

This is my take, too.

You have knowledge that could save someone's life or health. Are you going to keep quiet for fear of offending a selfish asshole?

It's a no-brainer.

PerveenMistry · 20/12/2020 09:16

@IdblowJonSnow

I'd tell your friend she's very out of order. That's rotten behaviour. I wonder how many people are doing this, or minimizing what theyve been upto so people will feel ok socialising with them.

I would bet that a huge percentage of people are lying about precautions they supposedly are taking.

Kazmerelda · 20/12/2020 09:18

I think that your friendship has changed no matter what decision you make.

There are 3 scenarios

You tell her mum and friendship is over most probably or at least rocky

You don’t tell her mum and she catches covid in some form. You will feel the guilts and probably judge your friend for this happening.

You don’t tell her mum and all is fine. However, you know your friend knowingly lied and put someone in potential harm.

I have already had a couple of people in my life doing things which have shocked me and honestly I don’t feel the same about them now.

PerveenMistry · 20/12/2020 09:19

@ithinkyouareveryrude

Christ no you don’t say anything!

It’s none of your business! Stop policing everyone’s behaviour. Does her mum never go to the shops? Never see someone on a walk?

It’s not your circus, not your monkey. Keep out and distance from her as a friend if you think she’s being unreasonable but you don’t - ever - contact her mum to tell her what she’s told you. How batshit.

What's batshit is to conceal information that could save someone from contracting a deadly disease. That makes the OP complicit in whatever befalls the mother.

Nomorepies · 20/12/2020 09:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Demitri · 20/12/2020 09:40

What's batshit is to conceal information that could save someone from contracting a deadly disease. That makes the OP complicit in whatever befalls the mother

No it doesn’t

ithinkyouareveryrude · 20/12/2020 10:15

What's batshit is to conceal information that could save someone from contracting a deadly disease. That makes the OP complicit in whatever befalls the mother.

Don't be so dramatic.

She's complicit in nothing. Seriously, listen to yourself. Conceal information? This isn't the KG bloody B!

She's not hiding a murder for Christ Sake!

OP should enjoy her own Christmas and leave her friend to enjoy hers!

ithinkyouareveryrude · 20/12/2020 10:16

God, bold fail there.

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2020 10:20

You need to deal with it with your friend, not message her mum.

cariadlet · 20/12/2020 10:23

Of course the op is implicit albeit through no fault of her own. The shitty friend has made the op complicit by telling the op about her deceitful behaviour.

Whether it's ok for the friend to mix is debatable; there are valid arguments on both sides. What is not ok, is for the friend to lie to her mum about her behaviour and for the friend to dump this knowledge on the poor op.

negomi90 · 20/12/2020 10:28

But has your friend been following local covid rules. Last week going to London shipping was allowed, seeing friends outside (or depending where you live, inside) was allowed.
If she's been following local guidelines but her mum wants her to do more, stay out of it.
If she hasn't it's still between her and her mum.

PerveenMistry · 20/12/2020 10:29

@ithinkyouareveryrude

What's batshit is to conceal information that could save someone from contracting a deadly disease. That makes the OP complicit in whatever befalls the mother.

Don't be so dramatic.

She's complicit in nothing. Seriously, listen to yourself. Conceal information? This isn't the KG bloody B!

She's not hiding a murder for Christ Sake!

OP should enjoy her own Christmas and leave her friend to enjoy hers!

A global pandemic is rather dramatic.

OP, how can you enjoy Christmas knowing that woman is being deceived about a potentially deadly situation?

Porridgeoat · 20/12/2020 10:32

Ask you friend to be honest with her mum so that mum can make informed decisions. That way a covid death wouldn’t be on friend conscious.

Porridgeoat · 20/12/2020 10:32

Help your friend think it through

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 20/12/2020 10:36

@Seventytwo

I'd tell your friend in no uncertain terms how reprehensible her behaviour is. Actually, if she's as much of a twat as she sounds, I'd probably think sod the friendship and tell the mum!

I'm with you!

I'd tell her Mum because the friendship would already be over.

Your 'friend' is a horrible bitch, fancy doing that to your Mum.

halcyondays · 20/12/2020 10:38

@Seventytwo

I'd tell your friend in no uncertain terms how reprehensible her behaviour is. Actually, if she's as much of a twat as she sounds, I'd probably think sod the friendship and tell the mum!

Exactly this.

Circumlocutious · 20/12/2020 11:00

Some people always have the attitude of 'keep your beak out', whatever the issue is. Friend cheating on DH, knowing that a family member being defrauded out of their own home, a neighbour's house being robbed, someone is being abused or attacked in public... STAY OUT OF IT. These people presumably have no ethical consideration for anything that takes place beyond their front door.

Allispretty · 20/12/2020 11:01

Ffs keep your nose out! Tell your friend your uncomfortable with it and she needs to tell her mum but it's not your place

gottakeeponmovin · 20/12/2020 17:20

Stay out of it. They may have a tow but they will make up. Your friend will never forgive you. It's none of your business

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 20/12/2020 17:54

Keep your beak out.

Thisisnotataste · 20/12/2020 18:44

I wouldn't be able to not say anything. At least to your parents if they could be relied on to pass it on.

Its pretty clear cut to me. If she caught covid because of her daughter how would I feel? Id feel irreconcilable with guilt. Even though I'd have done nothing wrong.

And sod that friendship. A nice way to clear out friends you don't want.

If you saw someone on the street about to do something that put someone else at risk would no one here say anything? Its no different!

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