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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand this?

28 replies

Miamarshmallows · 19/12/2020 18:08

Friend has had a horrible year, redundancy, illness, death of a loved one. I have said to her that I hope 2021 brings lots of happiness and joy and she snapped my head off saying that was insensitive as hardly going to be the case.
Was I insensitive or is she being oversensitive?

I was just trying to be supportive.Confused

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/12/2020 18:10

You weren’t being unreasonable to say it, but YABU to say you don’t understand it. She shouldn’t have snapped, but you surely can see why.

tinkiiev · 19/12/2020 18:11

I think she was being over sensitive because people are, when they're having a horrible time. Just say you're sorry and forgive her; you really didn't say anything wrong but also, she can't tell she's being touchy.

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2020 18:11

Bit of both.

I agree with StillCoughingandLaughing too, in that you must be able to understand her reaction.

slipperywhensparticus · 19/12/2020 18:11

Platitudes can feel like someone is ripping your skin off sometimes try not to take it too heart

AIMD · 19/12/2020 18:12

I don’t think either of you were unreasonable. You tried to say something nice but because of all she’s been through she was obviously sensitive to the words chosen. Maybe she feels no optimism because of how hard this year has been or maybe she felt the comment minimised how hard her year has been.

Either way I think it’s one of those things you need to just let go. Unless she’s like that all the time hopefully she just snapped because of how hard this year has been.

MerchantOfVenom · 19/12/2020 18:15

@slipperywhensparticus

Platitudes can feel like someone is ripping your skin off sometimes try not to take it too heart
This ^^ totally.

‘Lots of happiness and joy’ does feel a touch overdone, although I clearly can see that you were trying to be positive and hopeful for her.

I don’t think you can get mad at her, given all she has been through.

TicTacTwo · 19/12/2020 18:15

Has she just found out she'll be in tier 4 tomorrow?

Original poster
Miamarshmallows · 19/12/2020 18:17

Yep, she will be tier 4.

OP posts:
lemmein · 19/12/2020 18:18

Aw it sounds like she's suffering 😕 I don't think you were insensitive but she's grieving and the clock striking midnight on the 31st won't change that so I can see why it's annoyed her. No ones fault, look out for her, she's probably feeling rubbish for snapping too.

bettxmascake · 19/12/2020 18:19

YABU not to understand it TBH. I'd have felt like that at times and if somebody had said it to me at the wrong time after my loved one died I might have felt like saying it/have actually said it.

YANBU to feel it though, it's understandable to hope that she has a better year next year. I know earlier this year I was beside myself with grief and was certain nothing would ever get better, it took a good few months to get to the point where I could see that it would.

Sideorderofchips · 19/12/2020 18:23

Tbh I kmow its horrible but I would probably do the same. And it's because my mental health is shot.

Lougle · 19/12/2020 18:27

I would think, if she's had the death of a loved one, she can't see how it will get better, and even if she could, she'll feel guilty at the thought of feeling 'better'.

Gemma2019 · 19/12/2020 18:32

Oh give over with the fake bemusement - you were being very insensitive with your lots of happiness and joy comment. She's had a shit year and probably can't see the wood for the trees. "Hope 2021 is kinder to you" would have been better, and let her know you realise how much she has suffered.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2020 18:42

Your friend has reached the limit as to what she can cope with. You can understand that surely.

Mycircusmymonkey · 19/12/2020 18:43

Bit of a stupid thing to say to be honest sounds glib and lacks sentiment or recognition of what she’s going through. It’s not all going to magically disappear in 2021.

alexdgr8 · 19/12/2020 18:53

are you very young.
have you never suffered a bereavement.
what you said would have been appropriate for someone who had a difficult year like we all have, but not appropriate for someone grieving. surely you can see that. how can she have lots of happiness and joy in the new year when she will never see again, talk to her loved one who has died. that will never get better, and the thought of a new year just rubs it in.
be more careful what you say. you are treating her as if she has not suffered in the way she has. you are denying her reality. and she got fed of having to endure others' gaucheness. i feel for her.
you meant no harm. but your feelings are nothing compared with hers.

Squirrelblanket · 19/12/2020 19:19

I think your intentions were good, but things like this can sound quite dismissive of the issues in hand. A bit like if you'd just split up with someone and a friend says 'nevermind, you'll meet someone else'. You don't want to think about meeting someone else, all you can think about is the heartbreak NOW.

Original poster
Miamarshmallows · 19/12/2020 19:43

My intentions were good.
The person who died was not anyone close but still someone she knew and spent time with. I am not minimising it but clearing that up for clarity of this post.
Overall, I meant well. I guess from what some of you have said, it obviously wasn't meant how I intended it to and came across as dismissive of her pain which of course was not what I wanted to do.

OP posts:
bettxmascake · 19/12/2020 19:50

@Miamarshmallows

My intentions were good. The person who died was not anyone close but still someone she knew and spent time with. I am not minimising it but clearing that up for clarity of this post. Overall, I meant well. I guess from what some of you have said, it obviously wasn't meant how I intended it to and came across as dismissive of her pain which of course was not what I wanted to do.
So not actually a loved one then? Drip drip.
SnackySnack · 19/12/2020 19:50

@alexdgr8

are you very young. have you never suffered a bereavement. what you said would have been appropriate for someone who had a difficult year like we all have, but not appropriate for someone grieving. surely you can see that. how can she have lots of happiness and joy in the new year when she will never see again, talk to her loved one who has died. that will never get better, and the thought of a new year just rubs it in. be more careful what you say. you are treating her as if she has not suffered in the way she has. you are denying her reality. and she got fed of having to endure others' gaucheness. i feel for her. you meant no harm. but your feelings are nothing compared with hers.
What on earth has her age got to do with anything?
Original poster
Miamarshmallows · 19/12/2020 19:54

Believe me. I know more about grief than any of you can imagine. 😐

OP posts:
SnackySnack · 19/12/2020 19:55

I don't think you sounded dismissive I think you sounded positive Confused

tinkiiev · 19/12/2020 20:11

Well then, if you know about fried, you'll understand that it makes people temporarily selfish and snappish. Which is fine, and should be forgiven in a friend.

tinkiiev · 19/12/2020 20:11

Grief! Not fried Confusedsorry!

Rose789 · 19/12/2020 20:24

You might not have meant to cause offense but I can see why she would be hurt and upset at happiness and joy