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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can you help me get over this?

13 replies

Rosebel · 19/12/2020 07:11

I wasn't really sure where to post this so might be in the wrong place.
Twenty four years ago I was nearly raped by my brothers friend on Christmas Eve. I never told anyone about it.
Every year Christmas eve makes me cry because it used to be my favourite day and after that it was ruined.
This year though the feelings of despair, anger hurt and guilt are starting now. Don't know if it's due to lockdown or my baby being born or what. What I'm looking for is ways to cope and get over it. To stop it spoiling Christmas. Telling my husband isn't an option even though he asks me why I'm so quiet Christmas eve.
Has anyone been through something similar? How did you move on?

OP posts:

FippertyGibbett · 19/12/2020 07:12

Have you had any counselling ?

Xmasgrump · 19/12/2020 07:12

Why can’t you tell you tell your husband?

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 19/12/2020 07:14

Yes I have. It is hard. I tried counselling, but it wasn't really for me. Might be worth a try though xx

Maigue · 19/12/2020 07:16

I’m sorry, OP. Letting things fade over time hasn’t worked, so you need to take action. There are specialist counsellors. But yes, why is telling your husband not an option?

Hotwaterbottlelove · 19/12/2020 07:16

Why isn't telling your husband an option? I would look into EMDR therapy. It's specifically for distressing memories.

Original poster

Rosebel · 19/12/2020 07:16

I had three sessions of counselling at college but I stopped as I felt they were actually making me feel worse.
I can't tell my husband because I'm scared he'll look at me differently or think it's my fault.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosebel · 19/12/2020 07:21

Have thought about counselling again but last time I couldn't even talk about it. In my sessions I said something had happened but could never discuss it.
I can't explain it. I think I'm just ashamed of what happened.

OP posts:

Washimal · 19/12/2020 07:47

I can't tell my husband because I'm scared he'll look at me differently or think it's my fault.

It took me 15 years to tell my DH I was raped so I understand, OP but I'm so glad I told him and wish I hadn't waited so long.

larrythelizard · 19/12/2020 07:59

It wasn't your fault though OP. Imagine a friend told you what had happened, you wouldn't be blaming her would you?

Sounds like some counselling would be a good idea, perhaps they could help you work out how you feel comfortable telling your DH.

Washimal · 19/12/2020 08:09

Sorry, I should also have said I had to try three different therapists before I found one I 'clicked' with enough that I felt able to talk to them about it. It has to be the right person, but it also has to be the right time. If you're just not ready to explore this in therapy yet that's perfectly ok.

NoMansAnIsland · 19/12/2020 08:15

Instead of counselling (where you are expected to talk about the event at a blank face person with no input) you could see a psychotherapist.
They are trained to actually give you feedback as to how you can help yourself.
I found this invaluable after I lost a baby midway through my pregnancy and got myself into an awful hole of depression.
I didn't HAVE to talk about the baby but she did give me tools to help me out the awful hole I was in.

Counsellors can't do that.

Hotcuppatea · 19/12/2020 08:30

@NoMansAnIsland

Instead of counselling (where you are expected to talk about the event at a blank face person with no input) you could see a psychotherapist. They are trained to actually give you feedback as to how you can help yourself. I found this invaluable after I lost a baby midway through my pregnancy and got myself into an awful hole of depression. I didn't HAVE to talk about the baby but she did give me tools to help me out the awful hole I was in.

Counsellors can't do that.

Sorry NoMansAnIsland but that simply isn't true. Psychotherapists are more likely to sit with a blank face than counsellors, because of their training. But many of them won't do this either because of how they choose to practise. And in the profession, the terms therapist are counsellor interchanged so it's impossible to make sweeping generalisations like that.

OP, its really normal to blame yourself after something like this, but it's not your fault. Its completely your brother's friend"s fault. Look for someone who has experience of working with people who've experienced sexual violence. You can look on online directories. EMDR is a great shout. It works very well for lots of people. And there more help here rapecrisis.org.uk

Good luck and take care

NoMansAnIsland · 19/12/2020 11:16

Ok, well I will re-word it.

In my experience a counsellor sat there with a blank face and said very little.
Counsellors don't have that much training compared to a psychotherapist.
There's different types of psychotherapy to suit different people and it's something that the OP could look into a see what would suit her. I believe my therapist was a humanist psychotherapist.
Counsellors are not trained like psychotherapists are.
That's not my opinion, that's a fact.

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