AIBU for wanting more from partner

[Woolyminded]

Hiya. I just wanted to vent and hear other perspectives, instead of overthinking.
my partner of 3.5 yrs and I have discussed moving in together. We each have 2 kids, hes widowed (5.5 yrs) and I'm divorced.
An issue has arose which has made me doubt we have a normal future together. 3 months ago his 11.5 son started refusing to sleep in his bed and wanting to sleep with his dad. 3 months on this is the permanent sleeping arrangement. I used to sleep there every weekend and the odd night during the week. I felt the most dignified, kindest thing to do was to stay away until things were settled again, I didnt want to issue 'me or him'ultimatums and I'm not prepared to sleep in a childs bed because there isnt room for me (hes 5ft 6, same as me so there wouldnt be much room physically for us all in the bed). I dont feel theres room for me emotionally either. Staying there and sleeping in a separate bed would send the message I'm fine with it and it's normal.
My partner doesn't seem in any rush to improve things. He hasnt told him to go back in his bed, I'm assuming because he doesnt want to upset him. His solution was that when I stayed there his son could sleep with his 13yr old daughter in her bed. I said no to that, it would make me seem like the enemy, like I was an obstacle to him sleeping with his dad. And it's not appropriate for a pubescent boy to sleep with his teenage sister.
Is it a coincidence that this has happened just as were talking about moving things on, its conveniently put a stop to things, and he can avoid responsibility for it, it's his child, not him?
We now only spend a night together when he gets a babysitter and he stays at mine. This has happened twice in 3 months.
I'm trying to be as supportive and non critical as I can, he gets super defensive at any hint of criticism of his parenting style, we've fallen out in the past when I wasnt happy with his son being rude and aggressive with me. He rarely tells him off or says no. I bite my tongue a lot as I'm the opposite.
Weve planned a night at my house tomorrow night. I should be looking forward to it but I feel so hurt that its deteriorated to this. I dont want to sleep with someone who values me so little that hes content to hardly spend any time together.
Sorry for the long rant

Yeah, don't move in together.

I'm sorry to say that this man doesn't want to move in with you. And his son doesn't want to either. And quite frankly, it sounds like a recipe for disaster. A disruptive 11 year old, and a father who will not parent.
I seriously wouldn't want to be sleeping with him, or even seeing him any more. I think you're wasting your time here.

Thanks everyone. Even just writing it down has helped me see it clearly. I've gone over it so much in my head that it didnt make sense anymore. Ive been too embarrassed about the fucked up situation to talk about it to anyone.

I wouldn't think this was heading anywhere to be honest. Why does the boy want to sleep in with his father at this age? is he anxious? or is it a behavioural thing? is he maybe trying to stop you from sleeping in his dads.

You really shouldn't be embarrassed. You've recognised the problem and will do something about it hopefully. Be thankful for the good times I'm sure both of you must have shared. And wave good bye to him and look forward to a new start.
I must admit though, I'm a bit disturbed about a man who thinks it's perfectly fine for his 11 year old son the share a bed with his 13 year old sister. I'm not suggesting the son would do anything he shouldn't. But surely your partner must recognise it's entirely inappropriate.

He is anxious, highly strung, and very manipulative and controlling which is probably connected to the anxiety.

Er, and his mum died the impact of that lasts longer than a year or two you know!

I asked him to tell his son not to kick my front door instead of knocking (obvs he didnt think he should tell him before I pointed it out) which caused a sulk as he thought I was patronising him, so the whole not sharing a bed with a teenage girl topic was a difficult one to discuss 😂😂😮

I'm very aware of the fact hes bereaved. I'm not expecting any of the family to act like it hasnt happened.

Walk away while you can. i have a stepchild like that . But I'm in too deep , (shared kids, finances) . I would have walked years ago if I knew the said child would still be so manipulative 8 years in. Walk and don't look back.

This man hasn’t got the space in his life for a healthy adult relationship, and that’s ok, as long as he isn’t stringing anyone along while he’s at it.
Time for some honesty.

The boy has lost his Mum. I can’t even imagine.

It doesn’t sound like you have the emotional bandwidth to take this relationship (and family) on.

No judgment from me - I wouldn’t get into a relationship with a man who has children. A bereaved man with kids is even more challenging.

Sounds like he doesn't want to be the bad guy with his son as he feels like his son has suffered enough losing his mother. I'm not even sure that he should kick his son out of his bed though, he's only 11 and clearly anxious. I can understand why it's a big obstacle for you also, by the way. It sounds like they aren't ready to be a family with you and that perhaps things will be hard for all of you if you try to be. It could just need time, depends if you are willing to take some time and if the relationship is worth it.

I wouldn't move in together. Not because of the bed issue, that could be easily solved in a couple of nights. But because you've both got very different approaches to parenting and discipline. You can't have a house with young children where there are different rules for different children, where some are allowed to be rude and some aren't etc. If you cant resolve it then it's a disaster waiting to happen

I feel for you all; sorry if my earlier comment was a bit snippy! I am a widowed parent and I have a 11.5 year old DS who is a bit of a pain atm, and a 9 year old DD. I am so so lonely but I’m not looking for a relationship. The kids, work, the house - there’s no room. And they wouldn’t be their dad. Maybe in my 50s.

If I were you I’d keep my distance, painful as it must be, and see how things pan out. He may not be able to give you what you need as well as what his kids need.

No need to apologise. It's a sensitive topic and I knew I'd get different perspectives. It's hard to get emotions across in a message and I prob do sound thoughtless and unfeeling, even just thinking about my feelings in all of this. To be honest I'm realising I've been naive thinking this could work, and I've bit off a lot more than I can chew.....

He lost his Mum aged 6. That’s a really big deal for any child so totally understandable why he may seem to regress behaviour wise. I can’t even imagine how difficult it would be to have to then also accept Dad’s new girlfriend. I know it’s been 5.5 years since she died but I don’t think that sort of pain ever gets any easier. Poor kids.

He’ll obviously always put his children first as will you with yours. I don’t think it’s going to work and definitely don’t think you’d be moving in any time soon. I’d personally call it quits.