If soap characters had AIBU

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

If by some very, very slim chance any of them managed to convince us they weren’t the most extreme trolls ever, what the bloody hell could we say in advice?! Surely it would be beyond even the collective wisdom of MN! Imagine:

“I am a woman in my mid-40s; twice widowed, twice divorced. My first husband was killed in a car crash whilst trying to stop my friend revealing he’d been using her as a prostitute. I then had an affair with his brother whilst engaged to someone else, so my fiancé had him murdered the night before our wedding. I didn’t know, so I married him anyway, but when I found out he died whilst trying to burn us both to death.

Anyway, after my next fiancé raped me and I was accused of his murder (it was actually his mum), I married my friend/husband’s prostitute’s alcoholic second husband. He cheated on me on our wedding night with our babysitter, before being accused of her murder (it was actually my brother). After that ended, I married friend/prostitute’s first/third husband, but he left me on our wedding day when he found out I’d slept with his business partner.

Anyway, my third husband tried to win me back, but I slept with his half-brother instead. Then he supported me through a breakdown, so I gave him a second chance, but he fell off the wagon, so I slept with his nephew. Now he’s been accused of trying to kill him. AIBU for thinking this could still work? Please be kind.”

“I am a twice-married mum of four. I cheated on my first husband twice; first with his brother, and then with a man he hated. He eventually forgave me, but was killed in a car crash days later, so I married my ex-lover. It was all going well until he couldn’t cope with my elder daughter’s heroin addiction. He was very supportive when she died of an overdose, but we only got back together properly when I gave birth to his baby without realising I was pregnant and then pushed my sister-in-law off a bridge.

Apart from my elder son taking the blame for my SIL’s murder and my younger daughter becoming a man, things got back to normal after that. But I started feeling a bit taken for granted, so I slept with our farmhand, who unfortunately turned out to be my husband’s long-lost son seeking revenge. Understandably, DH was quite ticked off, but he recently agreed to give things another try. AIBU for thinking it could be third time lucky? Please be kind.”

“I am a 50 year-old woman still bearing the scars of a difficult childhood. I keep trying to escape my hometown, but always get drawn back. I’ve been divorced twice, widowed once, jilted one man at the altar, got jilted at the altar by another, and I think I was engaged to a terminally ill fireman once (but ironically he burned to death anyway). Now this is where it gets complicated!

My first marriage failed because I had an affair with my brother-in-law while my husband was in prison. I fled to America, but came back six years later after secretly buying my childhood home back from my ex-MIL (who obviously hated me). I ended up getting back with my ex- BIL, but when that didn’t work out I got together with my half-brother (don’t worry, I’m adopted – LOL!), despite the disapproval of our father, who had recently returned from the dead.

It was all going great, until he was fatally stabbed a few months after our wedding. I fled to America again after discovering I was pregnant (which was weird, because I was supposed to be infertile) but came back again six years later. After the two jiltings, I finally married ex-BIL. Apart from his ex shooting him on our wedding day and his subsequent liver failure due to years of alcoholism, it was all going great until I had an affair with his teenage apprentice and got pregnant again (I know, right?) The affair didn’t last because he got my stepdaughter pregnant too, but it was still the end for my marriage.

After all that, I felt like a quieter life, so I married my twice-widowed, thrice-divorced oldest friend last week. However, I’m a bit worried that it’s all a bit incestuous, given that his mother was my ex-husband’s second wife and then went on to marry my natural father. (He also raised the child that was the result of my first fiancé’s affair as his own, but he’s dead now, so it doesn’t matter.) Also, I have a nagging suspicion that it was his fault my elder son drowned. AIBU to be having doubts? Please be kind.”

Carla, it's probably time to let Peter go. Change only ever comes from within and he'll only feel able to stop drinking if there are no toxic people in his life.

Sharon - you're fooling nobody. We all know you've been up to something! My guess is that you and Phil are in cahoots. My advice would be to make sure Richie has a clear schedule, you may very well be needing her.

Ah, Richie the lesbian solicitor. I love her. I wonder what she does when Phil’s having a quiet week?

AIBU to want to move out of Albert Square and move to Coronation Street as everyone seems so miserable and shouty where I live?

(I only catch the end of East Enders to this is just what I notice)

(And I am assuming that Coronation Street is a great place to live as it's up North)

I hope you don't mind a man posting here. I was born to a teenage mum and raised by my grandparents believing my birth mother was my sister. Her son, who I thought was my nephew but was actually my brother raped my wife.

I was taken into care as a child and as a teen I was abused and possibly fathered a child with my abuser. Now that my abuser is back on the scene I AIBU to forget the my grandmother who was responsible for me going into care and blame my birth mother who was neglected and badly treated by her parents and aunt?

YANBU Mick, it's like she never existed. Blame your sister mother not the actual mother figure

These are brilliant! 🤣🤣

AIBU to start dating the mother of the son who killed my wife? Had some negative comments from a few people ...

(I'm looking at you, David Platt)

I’m a woman in my early forties with a chequered past. I’ve had substance abuse issues, have been in prison and had my youngest two children taken into care. My eldest had never forgiven me.

After a series of bad choices with men, I’ve finally found someone nice. The only weird thing is, he was married to my best mate, twice, and cheated on her, twice. Oh, and his sister is in cahoots with my ex who blackmailed my partner into selling his business and tried to force my into sex in return for his silence after I set his car on fire. Is it all too weird?

Moira, it's not going to work love. Yr DH will end up snogging his ex, mother of his DD who is now gay before being sent to prison for walking round with a crowbar all the time

Aibu to tell her to get out of my pub?

@StillCoughingandLaughing keep hold of kev, he’s actually a really good bloke. The fact his ex and he are on good terms is a good sign here.
Try and make amends with Seb - the fact he hasn’t gone NC is really good.

You and Kev need to go NC with Debbie!

Aibu to keep changing my head, 2,3 maybe up to seven times depending on how old am and how much i have pissed off the producers ,and nobody seems to notice that I look completely different ?

“I’m a bit worried about my family since lockdown kicked in. DH seems really distant, and as for the DC, I hardly even see them. DH insists on standing two metres away from me at all times, as if there are cameras watching us. I keep telling him you only have to keep 2m apart from people you don’t live with, but it’s like talking to a brick wall. As for the DC, they’re constantly upstairs. Since March it’s almost been like they’re not hear at all. I shout up to them when dinner’s ready, but not a word in reply. Surely this can’t be normal?”