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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No privacy

27 replies

Samhol10 · 17/12/2020 15:47

Hi could I have some advice please?
I’m 49 and my BF is 52. I have a 19 year old boy who has Aspergers and he has a 19 year old girl who lives with him and a 14 year old boy who stays alternate weekends.
The issue is this .. his daughter has always had a free reign since he split with his wife and is very sociable. He wasn’t at home much so it’s not her fault and she is just carrying on living how she always has. With my Sons Aspergers have lived a very quiet life with very few visitors.
We’ve moved in with them recently and even though we are in tier 3 his daughter sees her friends every day and is bringing friends/boyfriends home on a daily basis and they sleep over.
I find this excessive and have asked that it is cut down to a minimal l level. They don’t agree.
My son doesn’t really bother about people in the house but obviously finds it awkward.
I feel that me and my bf have no privacy and have been in bed when a completely strange man comes in with the daughter because he is staying over, or friends just turn up at 11pm at night and stay for days.
I do all of the house work, work full time and have help with the cooking and washing up from my bf, my son and his daughter do very little. I cleaned her room again because it was disgusting, did 20 plus loads of washing for her (because I do everyone else’s and it’s only fair) and she just threw it on the floor, it’s still there days later.
My bf says I’m forcing her out of the house because I don’t want people to stay. My response was it’s actually the other way round. It’s a family home not a doss house, he doesn’t agree.
I’m now on anti depressants for anxiety and have told my bf I will leave if I’m not shown some respect. To be fair he is very good with my son but most of the time he’s ignored and it’s all about the daughter.
Do I just call it quits and leave (I don’t own my own house and cant afford to Rent) or do I stick it out and hope it will change?

OP posts:
FooFighter99 · 17/12/2020 15:56

You should never have moved in without first agreeing some ground rules

you've made your bed, now you'll have to lie in it

Original poster
Samhol10 · 17/12/2020 15:58

You’re not wrong there 🥴

OP posts:
Mumblechum0 · 17/12/2020 15:58

I'd just leave, presumably you could afford rent before you moved in with him?

It's just too much of a clash of lifestyles. Presumably his daughter will be moving out shortly to uni?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2020 16:00

I would be moving out as soon as possible. You simply can't live like this and your relationship is doomed to fail anyway. Your partner has zero respect or consideration for you.

FooFighter99 · 17/12/2020 16:01

Ideally, you should have waited till the kids were moved out - I know this isn't always feasible, and I do feel for you and know what you're going through as my DH has a grown up daughter and we've had our fair share of issues (she's lived with us since the age of 13)

Could you try having a "family meeting" and explaining to his DD that she needs to be more respectful

Were your kids involved in any decision making regarding you moving in? Or were you and DS 'forced' on his DD?

Justcallmebebes · 17/12/2020 16:01

That sounds difficult and strictly speaking it's the daughter's home and you and your son are the newcomers and if they've always run an open house it's difficult to ask them to suddenly change for you. However, Covid does alter this somewhat. Where did you live before you moved in? Can you have a family meeting and try and establish some rules and boundaries that everyone agrees with?

OrigamiOwl · 17/12/2020 16:03

There's a lack of respect here, is be thinking of calling it quits.

Original poster
Samhol10 · 17/12/2020 16:03

She’s at a local uni so lives at home . My income was topped up with tax credits but my son turn 20 in January so it all stops, would be a real struggle as I have debt from my divorce. I was going to ask for a Council house but my bf said no, move in with us.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 17/12/2020 16:03

Too late now but I am intrigued as to why you moved in in the the first place. And as the above poster asked, you afforded rent before, why not now?

Why are you doing all the washing etc? Crazy.

Look after yourself. Your son is 19 and can take care of himself presumably?

Share chores with your BF but there is no reason on earth why you should be doing the washing for a 19 year old nor the housework.

You are not helping yourself here.

Regarding the visitors, well you have moved into their house so I can't see that you have a leg to stand on sadly.

You will have to find a way to move out and carry on your relationship but not living together surely?

Original poster
Samhol10 · 17/12/2020 16:07

We made the decision back in January. I told my son because he needs to know about change a long time in advance. My bf wouldn’t tell his kids because he was going through his divorce. They knew about 3 weeks beforehand, which was wrong.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2020 16:09

You can try to talk this through, but I wouldn't bother. The daughter is not concerned with how you feel, and your partner has made it clear whose side he's on. It's not yours. Stop being their skivvy and get out of there.

krustykittens · 17/12/2020 16:12

This is never going to get any better, OP. He puts her first and she can do what she likes.

VinylDetective · 17/12/2020 16:15

There should have been agreement on the ground rules before you moved in. You can’t just move into someone else’s house and start making demands.

Tinselandbaubauls · 17/12/2020 16:20

It sounds like a really difficult situation and having strange men staying over would make he feel uncomfortable. As your son is 20, does he work, claim benefit, in education? If he can’t work he can claim UC in his own name which may help if you want to get your own place .

Original poster
Samhol10 · 17/12/2020 16:23

He was out of school for several years, due to a breakdown, he’s at college now for another 2 years. He’s extremely clever and hoping to go to Uni eventually. He’s not able to work yet and can’t travel alone etc.

OP posts:
IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/12/2020 16:27

I would hate this too OP. The problem is he obviously thinks this is absolutely fine and is unlikely to change. Personally I don't think I could continue living with him with such different attitudes to how the home should be run. Also I wouldn't be prepared to act as a skivvy so I'd be out on that issue alone.

HotSince63 · 17/12/2020 16:29

You've moved in without any talk about ground rules, equal split of housework (which is why you're now doing it all Confused) and the fact that this is now your home too. There probably wasn't any talk about finances either - how's that working out for you?

Your bf and his daughter see it as their home, but not yours. Btw you are bang out of order for invading another adult's bedroom and cleaning it because you decided it needed doing.

Move out asap. This isn't going to get any better.

Milkshake7489 · 17/12/2020 16:35

You need to move out. You can't expect to change longstanding arrangements re visitors in the house. It's his daughter's home too. (Although there is no reason why you should clean her room or wash her clothes...).

But equally, you need to think about yours and your son's needs- neither are currently being met.

DeRigueurMortis · 17/12/2020 16:36

Well your BF has done well for himself. No wonder he said "move in".

As well as a GF he's got a live in maid.

It's not really an issue of privacy.

It's a fundamental lack of respect and utterly incompatible outlooks.

He's happy for his DD to flout COVID regulations and have the home open to her friends to be used as a doss house.

However you are the one being impacted by that.

As a start I'd stop doing the DD's laundry. If her room is a tip, close the door and let her wallow in her own filth. Don't cook/clean up for her and her guests.

In parallel I'd speak to BF and say if changes aren't made then you'll be moving out and I'd start looking for another place to live.

Original poster
Samhol10 · 17/12/2020 16:37

A mixed bag of advice and you are all correct. They have no respect for me and I can’t just expect them to change because it’s not how I choose to live. Btw I did the cleaning for them before I moved in a regularly gutted her room and did loads of washing with her agreement. It would never get done if I didn’t and the smell was awful, couldn’t see the floor or bed for clothes and rubbish

OP posts:
JillofTrades · 17/12/2020 16:40

Read your post again and ask yourself why at the age of 49 have you got yourself into this situation. And brought this on your son. If his daughter was always this way then how could you have missed it? You know your ds requirements, did you not check to make sure that he would be comfortable in this situation. I think you need to do right by your son and move out again. Fwiw I don't think the daughter should make adjustments to her life in her home.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2020 16:44

You’re invading her privacy too, you have no right at all to go in her room. Why did you do that?! She’s an adult. It was her home for a long time before you moved in, if she wants to live in squalor that’s her choice.

You’ve been incredibly foolish moving in without thinking it through properly or having the necessary discussions about blending your families. Of course you can live somewhere else and should do so as soon as possible. Everyone sounds bloody miserable.

Someone was cooking, cleaning and sorting laundry before you moved in so stop being a mug and doing it all. Do your own washing, leave anyone else’s.

The whole situation sounds ridiculous. Move out and think twice before doing anything so rash in future. The mind boggles.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2020 16:45

It would never get done if I didn’t and the smell was awful, couldn’t see the floor or bed for clothes and rubbish

So what? It’s nothing to do with you.

And to say you were doing it all before you even moved in is shocking. How’s your self esteem?

lazylump72 · 17/12/2020 16:46

you are on a hiding to nothing with this set up...it will never be your home..they are treating you like a live in skivvy.Its no way to live ...dump them all and move on..you need respect,peace and a warm loving home...this house where you are existing is totally the wrong place for you ...so are the people that live there...sorry.

DeRigueurMortis · 17/12/2020 17:16

@Samhol10

A mixed bag of advice and you are all correct. They have no respect for me and I can’t just expect them to change because it’s not how I choose to live. Btw I did the cleaning for them before I moved in a regularly gutted her room and did loads of washing with her agreement. It would never get done if I didn’t and the smell was awful, couldn’t see the floor or bed for clothes and rubbish

Well to be fair you should have had a pretty good idea of what you were letting yourself in for....

Tbh I can't fathom why/how you've got yourself in this mess.

Why on earth were you cleaning your BF's house when you didn't live there?

I really think you need to re-evaluate your own self worth and expectations of a relationship.