Would you stop trying with this friend ?

[lovelyfun]

Friend for a long time. Going through a very hard time for also a long time due to family reasons. I've tried to be there at all times by- going to visit, sending gifts to family - checking via Watsap etc. Consistently over this period.

Friend seems cold in messages when asked how she is etc. And kind of stops replying altogether. I tell friend I'm worried and she says she's actually doing much better but that I have my own stuff going on and she basically doesn't have the bandwidth to deal.

Went through all messages etc where I literally only ever ask her about her life and how she is and try to support her and barely mention what's going on with me at all. I also had a change in circumstance in this time but nothing negative. Can see friend still talks yo others and goes out with others.

Feel bad for not being there for friend now but feel like she doesn't want me in her life and she's made that clear.

I think the current thread 'Get over yourself friend' may help you a bit because it's similar to your issue...perhaps in reverse.

I'd give this friend the space they're hinting they need FROM YOU. Let them contact you if they still want to remain friends.

Friend seems cold in messages when asked how she is etc. And kind of stops replying altogether. I tell friend I'm worried and she says she's actually doing much better but that I have my own stuff going on and she basically doesn't have the bandwidth to deal.
Why would she have made that last comment if you only ever ask about her?

From what she said and her coldness it does seem as if she doesn't want to continue the friendship. I would just stop trying. Fwiw, I think it is really heartless of people to just dump their friends without at least explaining that perhaps you are on different pages now. How hurtful of her.

I've got this happening now, I'm the friend.

I have had an awful year, the kind where you find out who your friends are. Some have been amazing, one who I thought of as a "best" friend seems to think she's discharged her duty by sending occasional one line "how are you" messages.

Obviously, she doesn't owe me anything, but she knows how I am, rubbish. There are only so many ways I can or want to say "as well as can be expected thanks". If she really wants to know how I am or to "let me know she's thinking of me" she needs to give me more than a few seconds every few weeks and call me. I don't have the energy to worry about how my responses come across.

Went through all messages etc where I literally only ever ask her about her life and how she is

Perhaps she’s bored of you asking constantly? Maybe change the record and try talking about something else.

When a friend was going through cancer on her own, she was pretty fed up with the 'thinking of you' and 'let me know if I can do anything' messages and calls. When my husband passed away I felt the same. I didn't want to rehash anything or listen to other people's stories, not then anyway.
What she (and I) would have liked was something practical like: I'll take the kids off you for the day so you can relax/grieve/get stuff done. Or 'let's go out to lunch/take in a show/go for a walk and talk about ANYTHING other than what you are going through.
I took my friend out for a gossipy lunch. At the end she said it was so good to do something normal and not be all about her and her cancer and treatment. And while we did talk briefly about how she was coping, it wasn't the main focus. She was more than just a cancer patient. I was more than just a widow. Your friend is more than whatever it is she is going through now.
Tell her that you are here when she's ready, then back off.

It sounds like she's distancing herself from you for whatever reason. I'd not initiate anything else with her and concentrate on other friendships.

Yeah I'm leaving her to it. I said I am always here for her should she need me. I'm pregnant, so maybe that's what she means about not having the bandwidth.. I wasn't just always asking how she is but also sending random stuff and I also offered practical help.

I just feel bad for not being there for her. But she's made it very clear and I also need to look after myself. It doesn't feel good how she's been. So I also need to take a distance. I wish her the best.

Why do you feel bad?! You've done plenty. I'm glad you're leaving her to it, let her come to you.

Could she have fertility problems or had a miscarriage or anything like that? I just wonder if she is struggling mentally with you being pregnant and she is distancing herself because of that

I feel bad that I can't be there for her. But it's her wish. I also feel bad about whatever I did to cause this behaviour from her. I just go over everything again and again and again to try and find what I did.

She's single

@lovelyfun

I just feel bad for not being there for her. But she's made it very clear and I also need to look after myself. It doesn't feel good how she's been. So I also need to take a distance. I wish her the best.

Why do you say you've not been there for her?

In your OP, you mentioned you've visited or tried to visit (not sure where you are and the Covid rules - if any/applicable), called and texted. What more could you have done?

I think you being pregnant may have something to do with it - just wondering what else she doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with if you've only been asking about her?

Anyway, a good friendship isn't supposed to make you second-guess yourself all the time. If it feels like a strain, then let it fizzle out if it will.

I just feel bad because I can no longer be there. I can't do those things anymore that's all. But it is what she wants so I should feel good that I'm giving her what she wants.

That's thoughtful of you but no need to feel bad. Being there for someone is giving them what they need at any point in time. If it's space/no contact they need, then you're 'being there' for them in a manner of speaking. So, you're right, you should be okay about giving her what she wants.

On the other hand, perhaps your sadness is more that you'll lose her company/her as a friend. It's unfortunate if you've felt she's been a good friend to you but what can you do? You can only move on and find other friends.

I’ve also been the friend in this situation.
I didn’t want to talk about my issues and what I was going through but every time I saw my friend she insisted on hearing everything, all the details, in hindsight she seemed to relish hearing how bad things were for me so she could actively comfort me.
I therefore did what your friend is doing to you - tried to minimise contact, didn't want to see her etc.
She was then upset that she “couldn’t be there for me” (and tell everyone what a great support she is).

Sorry I sound bitter, I am a bit, none of it felt genuine despite her previously being a good friend, and I’m not suggesting this is you! But I wanted you to know there’s more than 1 side to the story and maybe she genuinely doesn’t want to talk about it or accept help/sympathy.
You really do need to respect that or she might just push you away further as I ended up doing to my friend. She almost made me felt guilty for not crying on her and I just couldn’t deal with that on top of everything else.

I just feel a huge responsibility towards my friends. In terms of missing her company etc. It was pretty non existent and always entirely on hey terms. That was the situation for the last few years. So I feel like she just doesn't want my friendship anymore. Our lived have gone in different directions. But I love my friend. I hope she's ok.

Also people push others away when they're going through a hard time sometimes. I guess I'm trying to establish if it's just me. But she sees others, quite limited and completely on her terms. So no idea. I'm finding it hard not to take it personally and to not be hurt. Say in few months I can have a christening or whatever, covid permitting, do I invite her ? I don't really feel like it right now.

You're going on a lot about how YOU feel bad. I don't think this is so much about your friend any more as about you, and you want reassurance that you've done all you could and haven't been a bad friend. Just leave her to it.

It's crappy when friends dump you - I have a friend who is completely ghosting two of us out of the same friendship group. She won't even say hi or wave back at me in the street. She hasn't been there to support us through parental illness, redundancy, etc, but seems to think only of whether the friendship is giving her what she needs, and has somehow decided that we're not useful to her any more. My point in sharing this is that I also want some validation that I haven't done anything wrong, but I'm not going to get it from her so I've decided not to put any more into the friendship. The other friend who's being ghosted however just won't let go, and is writing and messaging asking what she's done wrong etc and getting no response, and I'm sure it's causing her more anguish than it needs to.

So, my advice would be to back away and just make peace with it yourself that you've both moved on.

@Itsseweasy thanks for your insight. Maybe that's what happened or something similar. But I never insisted on anything. Just asking. When we would actually see each other we would just have fun together to be honest. I also haven't said much to mutual friends. Only told one friend who days it's her problem and that I have done nothing wrong.

I just feel a huge responsibility towards my friends.

This is a bit strange. It sounds like you’re intense.

@goopsoup lol thanks.. duno if I am intense. Probably ! I just want to be there for old friends when needed and I feel a responsibility to be there. I'm not a fair weather friend. But perhaps feeling responsible to be there can sound intense to some !