Never thought I’d see his face again but now I have and it’s ruining my life (potentially triggering)

[RobynsMama]

Trigger warning: sexual assault. This isn’t really an AIBU but I’m posting her for traffic.

Ten years ago I was raped after a night out with my friends. The man that did it was an aqua instance of a uni friend who ended up back at an after party. It was quite a serious assault, I needed treatment for my injuries but I never reported it to the police as I was just so ashamed that I let that happen to me.

I put in all the work, did all the therapy, and worked really really hard to get over what happened. I moved to a completely different place and have built a life and apart from the odd day or thing that triggers me my PTSD is usually very under control and I barely give any headspace to what happened to me. I put it in a box where it lives and I can get on with my life.

I recently got in back contact with a friend from uni when she friended me on Facebook and we’ve been chatting, a couple of other people from my course have added me too and we chat about the things we have in common, who is and isn’t still in the career we trained for, who has kids, who’s married etc. Last week in the people you may know column the face of the man who raped me appeared and I sat frozen at my computer screen.

I know that Facebook has this feature but I never expected him to be there, he was an aquaintance of a friend who I never saw again, he didn’t go to our uni I just never expected to be see him ever ever again.

I clicked off it when I could move and spent the rest of the day in a full panic. I couldn’t stop throwing up and sobbing. I was absolutely useless and I’m just glad my DD was at her dads.

I don’t know what possessed me too but a few days later I found him again and clicked his profile, it’s mostly private but his public profile pictures look like he’s living a very happy life. He’s clearly got himself a girlfriend or a wife and they look very happy and first it made me sick and then it made me angry. I know I should just block him and stop torturing myself , but I’m just so furious that he hurt me so badly and he still gets to be that happy. I wish I’d reported it at the time but I was young and I just couldn’t.

It’s eating me up and I just can’t stop thinking about him and what happened and I feel like I’m slipping back into how I was when it first happened and I’m just so terrified. I can’t be like that again. And I can’t talk to anyone around me because no one knows what happened. It’s not something he ever felt able to share with anyone I’m close to. I just need some advice on what to do

That sounds so horrible for you. How do u feel about reporting it now? It may help you heal?

The problem with putting something in a box is that it's always there, waiting to come out. You need professional help for your brain to process the memories and deal with the trauma.

You also need to think about reporting it as part of that process.

I'm so fucking sorry. Jesus.

I have thought about reporting it now but I don’t think I could face it. There’s no evidence. I didn’t even tell anyone at the time apart from a counsellor at uni because I had to to get extenuating circumstances so I didn’t fail my second year. It would literally be my word against his

Oh OP that sounds absolutely awful

If you had treatment for injuries in the UK there may be a record?
I'm so sorry, your reaction sounds completely normal and understandable. Maybe some more therapy or telling someone you're close to would help?

You required treatment for it. Would that not count as evidence???

It sounds like you may need to deal with this further. He raped you and had gotten away with it. It has affected you since so going to the police sounds like a positive step.

Sorry that this is happening to you OP.

My advice would be to block his profile so it never pops up again and seek further therapy to process what has happened this past week or so

There will be a record of your injuries so there is evidence. Would you feel able to have a conversation with Rape Crisis? Not for any other reason than to talk to someone who will know what you've experienced and will listen to you.

You've done so well to deal with it but, as you know, the only way to really get over it is for it to stop being a secret, to stop blaming yourself and to put it into context - to do that you need to know that NOTHING you did, or did not do, was your fault.

I’m so sorry you’ve had this.

I was raped in similar circumstances. I also didn’t report it. Here are my thoughts for you, which you can take or leave :)

Firstly: you’re ok. You are safe now, he won’t get to do this to you again. You won’t go right back to how you felt at the time, you won’t have to do all the hard work all over again. This is a trauma response because you’ve been triggered- it will feel shit for a while but hang in there- it WILL gradually lessen. Be kind to yourself while it does, and employ every self soothing trick in the book to keep yourself feeling as safe and soothed as you can while you wait for your amygdala to stop sounding the alarm and for all the chemicals in your body to go back to how they should be.

Secondly: I wonder if you’ve considered EMDR. It was the fame changer for me- I had had counselling and had cognitively done the work and come to terms with what had happened to me, but because PTSD isn’t a rational cognitive thing, that was no help to me when I got triggered. EMDR was- I haven’t been triggered in several years now and I can write/talk/hear about these things without being triggered or dissociating or panicking etc.

Thirdly, I’d suggest blocking him on FB, and block anyone else who reminds you of him. You don’t owe anything to anyone; your priority is to heal, and you’ve obviously done a brilliant job of that so far but it’s ok to need to take more actions.

I am so sorry you’ve had to have this struggle. If anything I’ve said doesn’t make sense or you want to ask anything please feel free.

Strength and honour to you x

I'm sorry this happened to you OP.
Maybe going to the police will give you some closure. As a PP stated if you recieved treatment for injures there will be a record of this. Speaking to the police could bring to light similar attacks this vile human has committed or may help to prevent potential future assaults

Personally I wouldn't report it now simply because even with the treatment records there wouldn't be any evidence that this particular person was guilty and so it would be unlikely to reach court.

I wish I could say something different but I can't see the CPS pressing charges as the defence would simply argue that there was no evidence linking this particular person to the offence other than your word.

So (again, just IMO) your energy is better spent getting yourself back on track. You did it once and you can do it again

Hi Op
I am very sorry to hear about this has happened to you.
Don't worry about the timescale of the horrific rape, whether they can look into this.

I know the courts,and the agencies relating to courts can definately look into historic cases of crimes,especially when there solid evidence such as this rape.

As you have plenty enough solid evidence with the medical records.
The potential witness of a counsellor verbal/written evidence,which is living proof of the impact psychologically it had on yourself.

The fact you had to have medical treatment, there will definitely be on your medical records file,
This is concrete solid enough evidence.

Also could you find out,rember whether it was private or NHS Counsellor? (Do you rember where you went to see Counsellor then?
If not, make enquiries?
For e.g on the internet/or your doctors surgery etc.

Check out Facebook to see if your Counsellor has a Facebook profile?
(If they do?Add her and when you get in contact,explain to her that you were one of her clients previously etc,explain to counsellor that you would apreaciate if she could support you,by being a potential witness,in court, in a historic rape court case,

Also get real life support with trusted good friends/family members who will be there for you,
You will I be surprised how supportive good friends /
or family potentially can be.

(Anybody negative to you in regard of what happened to you,with the rape.
Please get rid of them,ditch them out of your life forever/or if you are not able to do this,obviously distance yourself from them and set up personal boundaries btwn yourself/them to protect yourself emotionally.

Also it might be beneficial for you to have ongoing Counselling therapy or explore other types of therapies, theories behind them, to find out which therapies benefit you the most too.
(Check out the internet for more infor.
(You can have counselling therapy free still,there is a waiting list)

For e.g did you know for PTSD (Post traumatic Stress Disorder)there is a type of therapy to do with yoga,that helps with overcoming the trauma that's been inflicted on a person.
(I know this as I seen a book on this recently in swansea oxfarm book store.
If interested check this out on the internet,I don't know the author name sorry.

(Rember to look after yourself
Eat healthy
Walk in nature
Do star gazing
Listen to good music
Watch your favorite comedy TV shows/stand up comedians
Have holistic therapy such as a hot stone massage.
Have Healthspa day session or adapt this at home.
Try out mediation it's free beneficial in 10-15mins ,mediation is well known to help individuals think clearly with Clarity
Also appreciate, look out for small things that people take for granted often.

Take care you are worth it..

This happened to me, except my rapist walked into the shop I worked in, years after the event and with me believing he'd moved hundreds of miles away. It will feel like you're back at square one, don't panic you're not but it's a massive shock to begin with.

You definitely need to talk to someone, whether that's us, a friend/partner/family or rape crisis/victim support/Samaritans. Don't bottle it up, talking will help you process what's happened and that's what needs to happen for you to feel back in control again.

First job, block him so it can't happen again and you can't look at his profile, the torturing yourself with his happy photos is horribly familiar and will do you absolutely no good, you know that. And then get whatever's in your head out in whatever way you're comfortable with (PM me if that would help) and don't let it fester. I won't comment on going to the police, that's your decision alone but the first thing you need is some support and someone to talk to

Been there, done that with Facebook. Don't look, as others have said, block him.

If you need to talk to someone try getting in touch with your local SARC. Mine provides short term counselling, can give advice on if you did want to report to the police, and can also take details of what happened in case anyone else ever reports him.

And take care of yourself.

You have my sympathies. This isn't a pleasant thing to experience and your reaction is normal.

As others have said, don't feel that you're back to square one - you're really not. You're another step closer to being able to put it behind you forever.

I was sexually abused by my neighbour so have had to see him again and again since it happened. It used to ruin my day whenever I saw him but over time the reaction got smaller and smaller. For a long time it was just a mini panic attack every time he drove past. Yes I could have moved house, and did at one point seriously consider it, but also why should I? I love where I live. Anyway I can honestly say that his presence no longer affects me now. If he drives past I just feel neutral, as if he's any other neighbour. Sometimes we bump into each other and exchange a few pleasantries. Sometimes we help each other out in small ways. It's astonishing that it's come to this after the amount of trauma he caused me when I was younger, but I'm glad - it feels like closure at last.

@RobynsMama, there is some great advice above. Don't worry you are not going back to square one. It is often a case of 3 steps forward, one step back.

My situation was similar, but different to yours. It happened on campus, and this might sound strange, but I did not get a good look/view of the rapist (other than white teenager). In my case I also did not not report. There was no obvious physical bruises, etc. But there was DNA evidence if you see what I mean. Now with progress in science I hugely regret not reporting at the time. I'm certain there would have been no conviction, but it would have been the right thing to do (for me).

A few years ago I was back at the campus for a reunion. I stopped to get petrol at a station nearby, and got a shock whey paying. There was something about the cashier that made me think it was him. I paid and left quickly. I ended up going back a few times (when I did not need to) to look again, stared him in the eye. Of course I don't know and will never know.

This odd thing is that who revisiting of the place/rape was awful, but I could see within a few weeks/months it really helped be process and understand some things much better. It was not my fault, there was nothing that I could have done (except report!), etc.

The advice to talk is key. I think it's really important to get some help. Is there ANYONE you can talk with?

In my case, I'm lucky that when things do happen (like this thread!) then I can speak to my DH about it. And a close friend of mine too.

Block him op, that’s an old scab you don’t want to pick at. If you can’t talk to friends about it in your new life is there a professional you could speak to? Maybe even a helpline or something like that to start. I would stay away from the friend too in that scenario, it’s nice to reconnect but you need to protect yourself from the links to what happened which you will obviously make through her and that’s more important.