Does my ME CFS make me a bad mum?

[Toastandtea1]

I don’t really know if this is a AIBU topic but I’ll post it here anyway in case anyone’s got any words of wisdom as I’m feeling really very low about the whole thing.
I have ME CFS, I got it following a bad case of viral pneumonia 2 years ago. I use an electric wheelchair to get out and about, my walking limit being 200 metres on a very good day.
Our DD is 3 and my DH and I have worked really hard to make a routine for us all that (I think) works for us all ie daughter in childcare several days a week so I can rest enough in order to have enough energy to spend quality time with her in evenings and weekends
Unfort with the lead up of Christmas and present buying/shopping, wrapping, cooking (I’m trying to prep things for Xmas day in advance like doing tiny bits of wrapping every day and prepping veg and freezing it etc) I’ve gone and pushed myself too far and ended up crashing pretty spectacularly. While daughter was asleep I lost all movement of my legs and feet to the point where I couldn’t wiggle my toes for love nor money so had to get an ambulance to take me to A&E. The docs there had been very kind and explained my brain (ME CFS is a neurological condition) had effectively switched off my legs. Through some heavy pain relief they managed to get a bit of movement back and me able to walk a couple of steps so my hubby had to then get our DD up in the middle of the night to come collect me. Unfort this has meant our DD has seen me in floods of tears and the attempt of walking from car to house made Captain Tom look like Mo Farah.
It breaks my heart out DD seeing me like this and when this happens I just can’t look after her at all, I can barely speak, I can’t walk etc.
I just want to know if you think this makes me a bad mum? I’m so low about it that it really makes me think 😢
Thank you if you’ve read this.

Of course it doesn't make you a bad mum! And I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, it sounds bloody hard.

Was your DD upset? Does your DD understand that mummy is poorly? I would maybe have a talk with her when you're feeling a bit more emotionally robust, and explain to her that it makes you sad when you're not well, and you might have a little cry, but everything is okay etc.

Of course you are not a bad mum. Why would you say that. Mums come in all shapes and sizes and with all matter of abilities or disabilities. Be kind to you.

(If it upsets you what happened you can now try to sort a plan b so that she doesn't have to come to hospital next time....friends or family that can be back up for a sleep over for her. There is no harm in asking for help as you need it.)

You might also find your local young carers can offer a support network to your daughter. (Please don't take offence at that....I know you are looking after her....but don't discount the idea out of hand.)

No it really doesn’t make you a bad mum. Is your DD loved, comforted when she is upset or unwell, played with, kept warm and well fed and is told she is loved. Is she tucked into bed with a kiss and cuddle. Love is about so much more than the physical health of a parent. I hope you are soon feeling much better. Please try to be kind to yourself. You sound a lovely mum .

I have CFS. I am fortunate in that I have it mild but I had a bad relapse last year. I find acupuncture helps my symptoms a bit and i remember being in floods of tears to the practitioner saying i felt so guilty i shouldn't have had kids (I had it before kids).

I made a conscious decision to have kids knowing it could make it worse, which in hindsight was a bit selfish, but you had a child and then a shit thing happened that was beyond your control.

Its really really hard but it is not your fault. At all. You need to keep repeating this til you believe it. You are doing the very best you can. I barely saw my kids who were 2 and 4.5 for 6 months last year and I dont think it has damaged our relationship.

You are in no way a bad mum. You're dealing with a shit situation in the best way that anyone could

I have the same thing also as I result of viral pneumonia. I can walk but the pain is all consuming. I think its made my children more thoughtful, they can see when someone is in pain and step into help without being asked. Tonight my youngest popped a hot water bottle in my bed without being asked. Also when they were younger, I couldn't run around like the other Mums but I spent more time sitting and reading or doing crafts etc, and they both love books and remember that I spent time with them. I'm always honest and tell them I'm having a bad pain/fatigue day and its nothing they've done. We always feel guilty and that we could be better parents, whatever we do is never enough and we think others are better but you sound like you have a good, caring partner and like you are a great Mum. Be kind to yourself as stress just makes you more tired.

You are doing your best, you love them, you have ensured that they are adequately cared for and you are still worrying about their happiness even when half-broken yourself - you are a great Mum. They will love you no matter how ill you are because you are their Mum, and your illness is normal to them.

I have mild ME and a 2 year old DS. You’re in no way a bad mum, it sounds like your DD is well loved, cared for and happy.

I get flare ups when I have periods of stress and unfortunately this whole year has been a huge stressor. Everything you’ve been through must have been terrifying and draining. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Even if you can’t do the physical care for a bit, she’ll still adore you.

I had to quarantine in our room in March with suspected Covid and couldn’t be around DS. DH would bring him to the doorway so I could see him twice a day. I felt awful that I couldn’t cuddle him or spend time with him. But he was happily waving, chattering and didn’t bat an eye when I was back in the mix. It feels worse for us than them I think.

We’re so quick to judge ourselves and see our illness as a failure. It’s really not. We didn’t ask for this and we’re doing a bloody brilliant job of coping with it. I’ve had it since I was 8 years old and it got progressively worse until I hit my early 20s when I was finally diagnosed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a relapse because I just tried to push myself a bit too hard. Sometimes your body lets you get away with it and others it unfortunately doesn’t. You haven’t gone back to square one, you just hit pause.

I hope you get plenty of rest and your condition improves .

Of course you're not a bad Mum, you sound like you really love your daughter!

I also have a long term health condition and have tried in previous years to cover up how bad I'm feeling, so as not to scare our DDs, who are 11 and 13. Earlier this year, I contracted SEPSIS, staff pneumonia and a staff infection in my PICC line and was hospitalised. I remember calling my GP and saying I needed to be admitted, then nothing for just over a week.

When I woke, I was in ITU, having been unconscious and the Drs had told my DH that I wasn't likely to make it, so he had to make the decision to let our daughters come in and see me, knowing it might be their final chance. He didn't tell them to "say goodbye" or anything, but this visit had a profound effect on them, as you can imagine.

When I was eventually released from hospital, both girls were suffering from separation anxiety and it's taken months to help them feel 'safe' in the knowledge that Mummy is home and well(ish). Our younger DD always rounds off saying goodnight to me now with "Stay safe and DON'T die!"

I felt like a terrible Mother, for a really, really long time. I couldn't believe what I'd put these two little people through, but over time I have come to understand and accept that I did NOT ask for this poor health (and nor did you, OP) and that the only thing I can do to make it up to them is to keep on top of my meds and appointments, report any new symptoms to my medical team asap and get myself admitted to hospital quickly whenever I realise that's what's needed.

The memories from earlier this year have faded somewhat for my 2 and they will for your DD too, especially at her age. Just focus on taking really good care of yourself and on loving her and you won't go far wrong!