To think Its a fair solution for slobs?

[Temporary1234]

Hi all,

So is it fair to say that when it comes to domestic duties if one partner is lazier than the other and doesn’t contribute their fair share for whatever reason, then they can compensate by covering the cost of outsourcing?

Such as paying for laundry, healthy take aways, cleaners and so on. In a way that makes the splitting of domestic duties still equal?

So the partner that exerts unequal efforts pays the cost from their own personal budget as opposed to putting it on house bills? And the partner who is putting in the effort gets to save that money in their personal account for their own enjoyment?

Another way to look at it is, the partner that does the most out of those two contributes less, whether voluntarily or involuntarily.

Wouldn’t that save so much resentment?
Or would it mess up the cooperation and team work in the relationship ?

YABU- it gives the green light for slobs to throw money at problems
YANBU- as long as it gets done and split fairly then it’s fine

Or maybe that’s what people do anyway and I’ve just been nagging for no reason

I did this with DH. He could either contribute to the household upkeep or pay to outsource it. He hired a cleaner.

But the standard slob on MN is an unemployed cocklodger, so he couldn’t afford to outsource anything!

Babdoc

But then in that instance, he could be made to do all the domestic duties, plus massaging her feet, plus childcare, plus social duties In order to pay for his upkeep.

Or find a job.

I’m all for choice. He doesn’t get to “nag” because the options are available.

Oh bum

In your scenario im the slob and ive no money to throw at it

Having said that a friend started part time work...3 full days and her husband was very arsey with her when SHE wanted to pay for a cleaner

When it’s my turn to cook, I pay for the takeaway 😂

fairynick
If it’s quality food of similar standard to home cooked, well balanced etc .. then go for it. But really, make sure it’s from your personal budget and not at the expense of the house lol..

If your partner does most of the evening cleaning, because you have other commitments, then robotic mop and hoover and tumble dryer all at your personal expense.. with associated bills.. you have to pay for leasurely time at someone else’s expense.

If you can’t contribute fair share to childcare, because your job is demanding?? Then pay the rate of childcare of the hours your partner covers for you into their personal savings.

Cant wake up at night for the baby?? Pay night shift hours of night nannies for the shifts you miss out on.

I think very soon many partners will start realising it’s not affordable to be lazy and might find the motivation.

I think I’ve solved half of mumsnetter relationship issues

Hmm not sure about this one.

For some things it makes sense.

One issue is it coming from personal savings/spendings, when in a ltr there isn't such a divide. For example, my DH and I have seperate savings and I have at least ten times more as it's what I had prior to the relationship. So it's "mine" but I also know we needed money for the family we'd spend it. Say his car broke down, I couldnt buy a great new computer system while he goes without a car. Any money spent is coming from the family budget really.

It sort of works but not quite. If they order take out then it puts the onus on the other person to provide healthy meals, meal plan and shop? If they pay a cleaner who does the tidying? If they pay for ironing, who does the washing?

The other issue is that buying help is sometimes almost harder than just doing it yourself, or makes life difficult in other ways. Especially if the slob doesn't get involved in the organising. Say in the case of a cleaner, great to have, but it takes finding and organising one, tidying up beforehand, organising so everyone is out of the house, and doing the jobs they don't do. If the slob doesnt do any of that, they just put an extra £20/fortnight in to the joint account and respond to any complaints about cleaning with "what are you complaining about? I pay for a cleaner don't I?" Meanwhile throwing their pants on the ground. Well that isn't fair.

Agree with FlyNow, the money is coming from the family pot.

We did have a cleaner, prior to Covid but generally try to split jobs equally. If, as an example, DH did this for his responsibilities within the house, while I carried on doing my chores. I would feel somewhat aggrieved as that money could be spent on something better and the privilege of the money being wasted buys him sitting on his arse. Whereas I do the jobs and save the money.

I never feel hard done by, apart from when I'm working and DH/DC are doing fuck all, so this alone would cause resentment.

FlyNow

But you have a choice whether you want to do acts of kindness towards your DH (yes I consider it that if it’s coming from your personal savings), I hope it’s not expected in any way unless there is another form of reciprocation. I would do that too, but I would let it be clear it was a choice I made and expect him to love me for it :D, and there is many ways for him to be kind back in a marriage!

But there is no “choice” in someone paying their way out of slobbery.. as domestic duties need to be done and expecting someone else to pick up the slack unwillingly shouldn’t be an option.

Ok an alternative model...

The partners sit down and observe all the domestic duties required for upkeep of the house and childcare.. up to a standard that’s deemed healthy in the long term and manageable.

Calculate how much it costs to outsource most of it, leaving out as little nagging requires as possible.

Contribute a 50/50 split into the family pot.

And then, the partner that actually contributes effort, takes that out of the family pot into their personal savings.. exactly how pocket money was proportional to chores during childhood :D.

And outsourcing done from the family pot.

How is that?!

Yanbu in theory but in real life, I always ended up paying the cleaner that my good for nothing ex booked and giving all the instructions

I think your model only works if both partners work the same hours and earn the same salary.

And he simply built up the debt elsewhere (on useless shit) so it wasn't really cash we could spare.

DH pays a cleaner, I pay a gardener. During full lockdown DH did most of the gardening and the vacuuming & mopping whilst I did the tidying, dusting, bathrooms & kitchen. It works.

And I don't have anything to do with the admin to do with the cleaner either

If bills and house pot is split at 50:50 then the hours and salary don’t matter.

I’d the house lot and bills are split 70:30 or whatever and are based around the difference in salaries.. then an adequate agreement would be made on the percentage of domestic duties that can be fairly split up..

Maybe 30:70? Or really depends on the individuals abs relationship.

The idea though, one off communication and agreement that can be reviewed abs tweaked and no need for daily disappointments for couple who have obvious differences in standards and motivation.

The problem in this lies in if the 'not slob' has higher than necessary standards. And the 'slob' isn't actually a slob but is just lower maintenance.

For example: One partner may feel that the hoover needs doing every other day, no matter what. Whilst the other may feel that the hoover only needs doing once a week unless there's obvious extra mess. It's not up to the second partner to fulfil the first partners unreasonably high demands. If they want it done their way they have to do it themselves.

arevioletsreallyblue

That’s a good point.

[you can tell my teething baby is keeping me awake tonight]

I think however if there is no communication about “acceptable standards” that both partners are happy to meet each other on.. during that one big talk... then it will always be coming up as an issue in the relationship.

So it’s still worth agreeing to acceptable standards, and making the upkeep of that what you split up fairly.

An outsider opinion could always help :D!

If someone has a hobby of making the house be a show flat.. then, they can do that In their own leisure time.

But acceptable comfortable standards is what I’m addressing here.

If someone has OCD and anxiety then talking about compromises can happen while discussing who contributes how much percentage of the upkeep and then deciding to evaluate that either with effort or the payment to cover it.

I still think it works beautifully

Im the lazy one here but dp wont let me spend money on a cleaner!

Ive offered to pay lots but although we have seperate accounts, money is jointly pooled to no real option of paying from 'my' money. (Bills all come from his account and he deals with household costs, i pay for shopping, any other monthly expenses etc.)

Should clarify... Ive not offered to pay lots, ive offered to pay lots of times 😂 i would pay the going rate 😂

We don't really have separate money in my house, as such, so if dh hired a cleaner so he wouldn't have to work, I'd have less money for other stuff while still doing my share of the work.

If we took this approach what we'd likely do is spend on, say, a cleaner, and we'd both do somewhat less.

Howevre I am slobbier than dh, and also cheap, so that isn't a likely thing to happen.

Rumour has it that many women who label themselves as slobs are actually taking on more than they should in other areas domestically and are just simply not coping with the mental load.

I have no doubt that the majority of those who don’t contribute fairly to domestic duties are men.

Statistics are on my side. So it’s not sexist to say that!

Maybe slob was the wrong word. I’m not talking about not cleaning up after yourself. I’m talking about house upkeep and maintaining your end of the deal adequately and fairly.