to not do whatever xp wants on threat of cutting maintenance payments

[midorimum]

my xp asked myself and ds (3.5) who is disabled to leave a year ago, it was his house he paid the mortgage and we were not married, it later transpired that he had been seeing someone else, who moved in shortly after.

he visits ds a few times a week at my house but only stays for a short time, 30mins to an hour.

he has said he NEVER wants to take ds, i think probably due to his disability as he never dealt very well with it, but does now want to take him as a "one off" for half an hour to meet his girlfriend, the one he was cheating with, so she can meet him and know who she is buying xmas presents for etc.

not entirely happy with this as ds will get absolutely nothing out of it, i would maybe have felt differently is xp had said he wanted him for a few hours or so then at least he would have got some "quality" time with his dad, but it purely seems to be a "show and tell" experience whereby he takes him over to meet her then brings him straight back.

also this is the thing we cant agree on, i dont want ds going back to "our" old house as im not sure how he would deal with that, and after much heated discussion i suggested that they come to my house so ds is in his own environment and i will go out long before they get there so there is no chance of me bumping into her, which is something he doesnt want, think hes afraid i will tell her what hes really like , my mum has agreed to let them in then vacate the premises etc.

i feel im doing more than i need to as xp has no paternal rights and lawyer i spoke to says i have no obligation to let girlfriend meet ds but still this isnt good enough for xp and he says she wont come to my house as she doesnt feel comfortable about it...ffs shes comfortable enough to sit in my old house using all my stuff, which xp wouldnt let me take! said i would get benefits and to just buy 2nd hand stuff.

she suggests they take ds to her mums or sisters, which to be honest im not too "comfortable" about and i really dont trust xp not to just take him to our old house as its easier for him.

we have reached a stalemate over this and hes now threatening to give me less money, if i dont do what he wants the way he wants it, he does at the moment give almost double what the CSA would say based on his self employed earnings but constantly brings it up. i dont currently claim income support and we seem to be managing ok, but not sure what would happen if he did cut our money.

he says i am being unreasonable..am i?

The blackmailer calls the victim unreasnable? Takes the PI** really doesn't it!

If you don't do what i say then my child will have to have less money to live on - nice one.

In your situation I would find out how much IS you are entilted to and what benifits you should be getting - try entitled to dot com. That way if it is the same or slightly less you can tell him to do one. As this will happen time and time again he will blackmail you into doing what he wants all the time.

on a first reading, I would say that YANBU but I would also suggest consulting a solicitor on Legal Aid to establish what the position really is and also contacting the csa/benefits office.

If you're not happy with your ds meeting anyone else, you are not obliged to let him - put your foot down. Does your xp have parental responsibility?

no xp doesnt have parental responsibility, and i dont think he wants it either, he once said he would have to get ds adopted if anything happened to me as he "couldnt cope with him"
altho after tonights "discussion" he was saying he could go to a lawyer and see what his rights were, i imagine any judge would laugh it out of court that he only wants him for a one off half hour!

The rights are actually the child's to see their parents, not the parents' to see their child iyswim. If he did that, the judge would take into account the behaviour of all concerned, what was being asked for and what the child themselves wanted (if they are old enough to express this). I was told that once a pattern of contact has been built up, it won't be reduced by a court unless there are good grounds to do so. So your xp could ask for and get 30 mins contact time, odd as it sounds. Bearing in mind my legal advice was taken some years ago so please do find out the current position.

YANBU, you are bending over backwards to give very reasonable access to a man who a) shows little interest b) told you to move out c) left you for another woman and now wants you to make an effort to make life easier for her

In your position I'd tell him that's the offer. It's VERY accommodating of you imo to offer your house and you are doing what's best for your son so stick to your guns. And tell him it's out of utmost concern for your son (which it is) - he'd be a shit to cut maintenance as a result of that. If he does, so be it, you'll have shown he can't blackmail you with it.