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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cut my father out of my and DC's life

23 replies

girlabouthome · 16/12/2020 11:41

Will try and keep this brief.

My father split from my mother when my sister and I were little 3 & 1 - my mother met someone else, but that's a whole other story.

He has never been that close to either of us growing up, fortnightly outings but wasn't a close relationship by any stretch.

Since having my son 3 years ago I made a huge effort with him as I wanted my son to have a grandfather.
So I would have him over every other weekend for a Roast, he would go to the pub with DH, and occasionally come over for a takeaway and stay the night.

My dad's parents split when he was young and he has always been very bitter about it, his mother (my grandma) remarried a wonderful man shortly after and this man is my Grandad.

My wonderful Grandad who has been in my life since the start, has always looked after my sister and I and been a wonderful male role model. This year he was diagnosed with motor neurone disease and has gone from a 60 year old man who was scuba diving and running his own businesses to someone with no quality of life unable to talk or really walk that far - he also had bowel cancer in the last 5 years.

I have always known that my sister and I were in my grandad's will, along with our 2 cousins (daughters of one of my dad's brothers) and the 3 "sons" who were never actually my grandad's - inherited from my Grandma's earlier marriage.

I learnt in the summer from my mother that my dad (whilst waiting for my sister's baby to be born) was lay on her sofa, rubbed his hands together and was discussing the inheritance he is due to get from his late father and also his step-father my grandad.

My dad has always ridiculed my grandfather, and has said to anyone whom he got chance "he has no feelings for the man" "he is someone my mother married".

He then went on to tell my mum that he and the 2 other "sons" were disputing the will to take out the 4 granddaughters.

Since finding this out, I confronted him, and he admitted bold as brass this was the case and gave me a multitude of reasons, including;

  • Grandchildren in his opinion should be left a lump sum, not a share of the estate
  • There are things we don't know about
  • He doesn't trust how we would spend it, in particular my younger sister who is 30!
  • He wants to hold it for us should our marriages break down so he can bail us out

Since this, I have not seen him or spoke to him really. I am 16 weeks pregnant and my grandfather is dying.

I have been visiting my grandfather due to him being terminally ill and I am riddled with anxiety of seeing my dad - I am disgusted by him.

I feel he and the others are taking away his last wish, his will. My grandfather cannot talk and they are violating him.

I'm devastated at the situation and how money can tear families apart Sad

OP posts:
TheRubyRedshoes · 16/12/2020 12:03

I do not quite understand op how many wills does your GC have?

If he made one -in sound body and mind then thats the one that will stand up - a will made under duress without a solicitor...to witness and note his capacity is going to open to challanges....

formerbabe · 16/12/2020 12:09

Wills and inheritance issues can rip even the closest families apart.

Sorry you're going through this. I'm not a legal expert but hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be along soon

Justcallmebebes · 16/12/2020 12:10

He has no basis to challenge the Will unless he was financially dependent on your grandfather. If your grandfather was in sound mind when the Will was made, he can leave his estate to whomever he chooses. Ignore your father

heydoggee · 16/12/2020 12:17

Your grandad is 60 and you and your sister are in your thirties? How does that work?

girlabouthome · 16/12/2020 12:30

Quite simple @heydoggee if he's late 60s and is younger that my grandmother.

OP posts:
girlabouthome · 16/12/2020 12:31

@TheRubyRedshoes @Justcallmebebes he only had the one will.

My concern is if he gets him to change it before he dies

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 16/12/2020 12:32

Contesting a will us very hard, and he died the seem to have any due cause. Could he even fund a legal claim?

TheRubyRedshoes · 16/12/2020 12:34

its simply not that easy - he could get the will and destroy it - then everything would be divided out equally . But you cant just go to an elderly person and get them to change a will so easily because anyone could then contest it - witness needed - doctors with notes on state of mind etc

MsTSwift · 16/12/2020 12:35

He can challenge the will but he’s unlikely to succeed (unless he was being supported by the grandfather) and any court action will be at his own expense. You can’t just decide you don’t like someone’s choices and challenge their will! It really doesn’t work like that.

TheRubyRedshoes · 16/12/2020 12:36

always yes it is - but if another will is in a safe place and can be kept - and then another will is done with only ops dad present - no witnesses firstly its not going to hold up an secondly it would be much easier to contest unless its done by a solicitor.

billy1966 · 16/12/2020 12:39

OP,

Your father sounds like a real horror so avoid if you wish.

Your grandfather's Will, is highly unlikely to be successfully challenged.

Tell your grandmother what you have been told by your mother.
I'm sure at this stae she has the measure of her son.

Take care.Flowers

TheRubyRedshoes · 16/12/2020 12:46

either way - you are OK really, your dad cant challenge or change the existing will - at all - you have to pay tons of ££ up front to challenge and if he tried to pull a fast one and make a dying man do a new will without a solicitor present it can be easily challenged

Brainwave89 · 16/12/2020 13:22

So having had some issues around a will recently my advice would be practical. In particular, establish if a will exists and make sure it is secured, i.e. in a solicitor's vault or elsewhere. There is no central register of wills, and if it is destroyed then there will be legal difficulty. Secondly, given your grandfather is now of poor health I would ask his doctor to confirm he is not in a sufficient state to change a will. I would also write to your father an note that is in poor health, so far as you are concerned the will stands and has value.

If all beneficiaries agree the terms of a will can be varied. Under no circumstances agree and be clear in the letter to your father should note that you will not do this.

MsTSwift · 16/12/2020 13:45

Also you are on notice now so can advocate for your grandstand ensure his wishes are respected.

Your dad sounds dreadful.

MsTSwift · 16/12/2020 13:45

Grandfather obviously

MsTSwift · 16/12/2020 13:47

Also if he destroys the will and doesn’t replace it under the intestacy rules as a step son your father wouldn’t inherit anyway.

Agree get a doctors note dated that the grandfather doesn’t have capacity. Then it’s too late for him to do a fresh will.

Piffle11 · 16/12/2020 15:00

Money has destroyed many relationships in DH’s family. It may not be the root of all evil, but it is certainly the root of a lot of it. I would not hesitate to cut your DF out of your and your DCs’ lives: he can bring nothing but bitterness and greed to them. He is no role model for your children, and in fact is clearly trying to indirectly disinherit them. None of you will see any money should he get his hands on it – we wouldn’t see him much again either – and, although I do not purport to be an expert in such matters, I really don’t think he has a leg to stand on in regard to having the will changed or contested.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 16/12/2020 15:05

I and nc with df. Partly due to his lack of effort with me /my dc. And a small part money...
Brings the worst out of awful folks op...
Concentrate on your dgf and imo, back away from your df, can you visit when he isn't around? . Not a man I would want around my dc tbh.

girlabouthome · 16/12/2020 16:54

Thank you everyone.

I'm so tempted to write a letter to my Grandfather/Grandmother and let them know what is going on but I don't want to cause added stress.

My grandfather has a sister who is lovely and sensible person, she is also part of his power of attorney (including 2 of the sons) I could maybe speak with her?

Thanks again everyone

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 16/12/2020 17:09

@girlabouthome

Thank you everyone.

I'm so tempted to write a letter to my Grandfather/Grandmother and let them know what is going on but I don't want to cause added stress.

My grandfather has a sister who is lovely and sensible person, she is also part of his power of attorney (including 2 of the sons) I could maybe speak with her?

Thanks again everyone

Yes, have a conversation with the sister. Maybe she could ensure nothing devious goes on.
billy1966 · 16/12/2020 17:21

Definitely have a conversation with her, to give her a heads up as to exactly how awful your father is.

She could get a letter from the doctor.

Yòur father needs to be stopped.

Awful man.

TheRubyRedshoes · 16/12/2020 18:31

Yes definalty talk to her - for warned is for armed!

SuitedandBooted · 16/12/2020 18:55

He is talking out of his arse. You can't challenge a Will just because it's not to your liking.

I assume none of the brothers were financially dependent on your Grandpa, no SN's, or shared business/homes? What does he imagine will be the basis for a "challenge" Confused.

I would speak to the sister, who has POA, and let her know what is going on. If there is a Will, hopefully it is safely put away in a Solicitors office. Destroying the Will won't get your father anywhere in any case, as I doubt the rules on Intestacy would apply, as he isn't "blood".

I see your Grandmother is still alive (?) I expect he is doing his best to stop what sounds like sensible Tax planning now, as more could be left to your Grandmother, who is his mother. I'm sure he has plans for her too!

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