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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be stressed, overwhelmed and sad over move.

25 replies

PhoebeSnow · 16/12/2020 11:20

I don’t know where to start.
We have lived outside the UK for 15 years now, however dh has a new job , back in my native country, which he was finally able to start in September leaving myself and our DS here to sort out a tenant for our house. We tried to sell the house but unfortunately we haven’t been able to due to covid, etc, so tenants are the best we can do at the moment.
Dh has told me we can’t afford to move our furniture and worst of all now says we cannot take our two rescue dogs and our old cat!
My in laws will buy some of our furniture, but what can I do about the rest? What can I do about my beloved animals?
Dh is renting a small flat but it’s in a different city to my home town where my mother still lives in a very small , very crowded flat due to her hoarding issues, but the flat is close to the school we would prefer for our DS. Dh seems to think DS and can can move with 4 suitcases between us, but we have books, cds, clothing , sentimental things, and 15 years of stuff to sort out.
Everything is complicated and I am struggling to cope, having panic attacks and not sleeping. I just worry about everything, but especially my lovely pets.
I just need to vent I suppose

OP posts:

greenlynx · 16/12/2020 11:22

I’m not surprised it sounds very stressful. Sorry didn’t understand are you moving back into UK?

draughtycatflap · 16/12/2020 11:25

Tell your husband to fuck off and do one would be my stance. Get rid of family pets? No chance!

Timeforabiscuit · 16/12/2020 11:27

This doesn't sound like the move is viable, no wonder you sound so stressed!

Are you living apart currently? Is this sustainable short to medium term? It sounds like your having to re-package your whole life, is this something you want?

The pets and belongings not being considered as part of a planned move is a massive alarm bell unless there are other circumstances forcing your move?

Pipandmum · 16/12/2020 11:28

Why can't you take your pets? Is it because the flat he has rented wint have them?
Frankly. Think your husband needs to go and help you pack and sort things - there's a reason moving is considered one of the most stressful thing to do, let alone from another country! It is unreasonable to think you can pack fifteen years of your life into four suitcases, so have you considered shipping the rest? He needs to take some Christmas leave to come help. And perhaps you should have more say in the flat you rent - I'm a landlord and I allow pets.

SilverBirchWithout · 16/12/2020 11:28

Say no. Your husband is telling you what you must do, with no discussions? I think you need to put your foot down.

LovingCountryLife · 16/12/2020 11:30

Jesus, I adore my DH but if he insisted we got rid of our two gorgeous dogs, he can f off quite frankly. The dogs stay

Original poster

PhoebeSnow · 16/12/2020 11:31

Just to add we are really only going back as my dad died a couple of years ago, and my mum is on her own, more or less, although my cousins having been keeping an eye on her. The flat she lives in we bought and renovated in anticipation of living there at some point when we came back to UK, and now there is no way we can now due to her hoarding, both bedrooms full of her stuff, her unreasonable behaviour and lack of space for 4 adults, two dogs and a cat!
My head is bursting with the stress of trying to keep everyone happy!

OP posts:

Bytheriogrande · 16/12/2020 11:33

There's no way I'd be getting rid of my dog! Is there any way you can stay where you are until he sources more suitable accommodation?

Aprilx · 16/12/2020 11:33

Why does your husband get the final say over pets. Just book the pet removalists and bring them. My husband would be moving on his own if he tried that. We have twice moved overseas (and back) with pets, it does make things a bit harder and more expensive, but it is manageable.

RatherBeRiding · 16/12/2020 11:34

I think you and DS are currently abroad, having found tenants for your property, and trying to pack up to move back to the UK to a very small flat?

And your DH now says you can't afford to ship over your furniture or bring your pets (currently abroad with you?) Is that correct?

Well the furniture I suppose I can understand but not the pets. You can get a pet passport and a rabies innoculation can't you - or can your 'D'H just not be arsed.

In your shoes I'd say No Dice unless the pets come back to the UK too, consult a local vet about innoculations/passports and then get on the internet to find pet-friendly accommodation in the area you are wanting to base yourselves.

And don't be rushed into moving back until you've got everything arranged to your satisfaction. It does kind of sound as though you have no say in the matter at the moment!

altiara · 16/12/2020 11:37

So your mum is living in your flat. She needs to stop hoarding or when you get there you will put the stuff in a skip with no guilt. You have to prioritise your family, DS’s schooling, pets. You’ve no time for someone else’s mess. If she’s got a problem with it, she’ll have to move it into storage.

Original poster

PhoebeSnow · 16/12/2020 11:37

@greenlynx

I’m not surprised it sounds very stressful. Sorry didn’t understand are you moving back into UK?

Yes we are moving back to the UK. We should have been relocating in April but well we all know what happened then. The company were amazing and kindly kept the job open for him until September but he had to start then. It’s probably all my fault as we should have sold the house at the start of the year but I panicked about it as we would have struggled to find somewhere for our then three dogs, as one of them was a large breed dog, but he sadly died in September and I think I’m still heartbroken about him.

OP posts:

Original poster

PhoebeSnow · 16/12/2020 11:45

@Aprilx

How did your pets cope with the air travel? And was it reasonably straight forward?

OP posts:

Original poster

PhoebeSnow · 16/12/2020 11:55

I am tempted to stay where I am and let DS decide if he wants to go to UK to stay with his dad or with my mum. That way they will all be happy there, my mum is really only interested in DS and doesn’t get on well with my dh. They are both controlling people
I haven’t signed the lease on house yet, but doubt I can afford to keep the house here going on my own.

OP posts:

Original poster

PhoebeSnow · 16/12/2020 12:05

Will we need to quarantine ourselves?
Dh did but that was September/ October

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/12/2020 12:09

How old is Ds?

Original poster

PhoebeSnow · 16/12/2020 12:12

DS is 17 and would need to finish school in UK, but I honestly think he should finish school here. It’s all a bloody nightmare!

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 16/12/2020 12:22

Can you get pet passports and drive ? Even if it takes ages?

I would NEVER leave my pets

DivGirl · 16/12/2020 12:24

Uprooting a 17 year old from everything they know and moving them to a completely different school system sounds like a nightmare if it’s not completely and utterly necessary. Not to mention the potential issues if they wanted to go to university in the UK.

I also wouldn’t be leaving my pets. I would simply refuse.

CrotchBurn · 16/12/2020 12:24

Why are you turning this into such a convoluted mess?

What's going on? Do you want to move back to the UK, yes or no?

greenlynx · 16/12/2020 13:00

I would be more worried about your DS and your own mental health rather than about your DH’s job.
And could he get money from work in support of relocation? My DH’s colleague was due to move to UK, he asked HR and they payed some money towards moving furniture. Just before this colleague, another one moved, he didn’t ask about about potential help so he didn’t get any financial support towards the move.

greenlynx · 16/12/2020 13:06

And tbh if it’s your flat you can get rid of unnecessary stuff which your mum collected. Sounds tough but where you and your DS will live? You need space. I would do a big clear out after coming back, if you are coming back.

billy1966 · 16/12/2020 13:34

OP,
Sounds very stressful.
I would not be moving a 17 year old.
I would think it better for him to finish this stage of his education.

It sounds as if you have very little say in your own life.

Do you wish to return with your husband?

AethelsWhiteGoose · 16/12/2020 14:52

Can you stay with ds to finish the school year. That gives you more time to find a way to get the pets back to uk?
I have moved independently overseas from dh with dc as his timing didn’t suit us.

Birdsofafeather17 · 16/12/2020 17:47

Hi OP. I think moving at this point in your DS's education would be very disruptive for him. Perhaps he can go to university in the UK. But I think he should finish high school there unless you want him to do his A Levels in UK. If you are not ready to move yet take your time. It's very stressful. Don't leave your pets if you don't want to.

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