to think my DD shouldn’t be made to be responsible for her younger friend

[Springersrock]

We have some really good friends who have a daughter 18 months younger than my eldest daughter (who is 19). They are really good friends and she’ll often hang out with DD and her friendship group.

DD met up with some friends last night for dinner and drinks (we are in tier 1) - they all came back from uni a couple of weeks ago and it’s the first time they’ve got together. DD’s younger friend was out with them. DD got in about 11:30pm

Got a shitty message this morning from our friends - they weren’t happy that DD had “allowed” their daughter to drink and hadn’t made sure their daughter had got home safely. Friend had college this morning so they weren’t happy she was out so late either.

I’ve spoken to DD this morning - friend rocked up an hour late, had already been drinking when she arrived, and proceeded to go outside every hour to smoke weed. DD said they’d walked home most of the way together and separated when they got to the end of friend’s road and DD continued home on her own - they were in a pub about 10 minutes walk from home and we live really close to each other so they had about 2 minutes walk from where they left each other to their front doors and they’d texted each other when they got in

DD hasn’t seen her friends since September when they all went off to uni, they’ve all waited until they’d been home for 10 days before going out.

AIBU to say actually, it’s up to our friends to set out their rules for their daughter and expect her to abide by them. Not expect my DD to police her friend and change her plans/cut her night short/not drink. Not to mention the 4 other people that were out with them as well.

I have messaged back to say I don’t think it’s up to my DD to be responsible for their DD on a night out but no reply.

Yes, DD would look out for her, help if anything happened, etc, but my DD wants to go out and have some fun with friends she hasn’t seen in ages, not be responsible for someone else all night.

I agree; it’s not up to your DD to police how late she’s out and if she’s drinking. Their DD must be nearly 18 if she isn’t already so the drinking isn’t a surprise surely? Obviously if she’d been really drunk your DD would have helped her home or called for help.

Unless the friend is absolutely shit-faced or in a dangerous situation, it's not your DD's job to babysit (same goes both ways). There's a level of safety required on a night out but if she were only moderately drunk / high and your DD assessed the situation appropriately then they are BU.

Obviously if she’d been really drunk your DD would have helped her home or called for help

Definitely. DD said she was absolutely fine when they went their separate ways. They’d already walked most of the way home together with no problem

Friend is 17, 18 in February

It might be worth pointing out that they texted each other when they got in, so she had checked she'd made the last 2 minutes of the journey safely; to do more would presumably have meant your daughter walking on her own for four minutes, which is no safer than each of them for two minutes.

Perhaps say that as your daughter and her friends are going out as young adults, each taking responsibility for themselves, and if their daughter is not yet ready for that level of responsibility she needn't join them.

Your friends are being massively U. Are they in some sort of denial about their DD growing up and being perfectly capable of drinking and staying out late?

I was 18 months younger than many of school and uni friends, would have been disgusted if they were expected to mind me 🤣

Well surely her dps should have raised her not to drink under age....

At their age, the age gap is nothing. The friend will be a fully fledged adult in a matter of weeks! It would be different if she was 16.

Does your DD even want to be friends with your friends daughter? The parents sound like your friends who’s child has been foisted onto your DD. I know I wouldn’t want a 17 year old following me around like a puppy when I was 19, its weird especially when your dd is meeting up with other people her ages, doing things that 19 year olds do. 17 yo needs to take responsibly for herself and find some friends her own age.

Perhaps say that as your daughter and her friends are going out as young adults, each taking responsibility for themselves, and if their daughter is not yet ready for that level of responsibility she needn't join them

We’ve had that conversation before - DD and some of her friends had a BBQ on the beach in the summer before they all went off to uni.

Friend didn’t get invited - our friend accused our DD of bullying and excluding her DD. We had major words about it then and they accepted it.

DD is happy to be friends with her - we’ve never pushed them together or anything, DD has maintained the friendship off her own bat.

I think you've made enough of a reply. Their daughter is really old enough to be responsible for her own behaviour.

I remember my mum said something similar to.a ranty parent who phoned after I had kindly driven her drunk self home rather than let her walk. Moaning that I'd let her drink. It was 2 ish am and my mum berated her for calling at such an outrageous hour to complain to the wrong person. Some parents obviously can't accept their darlings have grown which is probably why they don't take any responsibility for themselves! Catch 22

Please do say something. People like this really do need putting in their place. CF's.

Who do they think they are? Bloody hell, I'm embarrassed for them

Blimey the parents are CFs aren’t they! Lol. You have done the right thing pointing out this girl is not your DDs responsibility.

I bet your friends DD is dying of embarrassment

YANBU

Yes, DD’s friend was really embarrassed when it happened in the summer, don’t know what she’s had to say about it this time.

I’ve had no reply to my message yet, although I can’t imagine there’s any more to say

Thanks!

I feel bad for DD's friend. Absolutely ignore them in that case, especially since the friend finds it embarrassing. That's not on at all.

They are acting like their daughter is 15/16 not nearly 18 , how embarrassing for her!

I don't think your DD should be policing her friend but presumably either your DD or her other friends had to buy alcoholic drinks for her in the pub? If they were, then they are partly responsible. They shouldn't be buying alcohol for someone under 18, especially if she was already drunk when she arrived. I am guessing that is how the other parents see this. They are assuming your DD and her friends illegally bought alcohol for their DD.

If the girl was using fake ID or the pub served her without ID, then you should point that out to the parents.

DD says she didn’t drink in the pub, just kept going outside to smoke weed

Our pubs are all table service so any alcohol would have been ordered by herself from the waiting staff at the table.

Our friends would know that as we’ve been in the pub plenty of times ourselves.

Even if it is table service, your DD and friends could have ordered a drink then let the your friend's DD drink it. I would imagine that is that her parents assume happened and why they hold her responsible. I doubt she will have told her parents that she turned up drunk and was smoking weed outside.

Even if it is table service, your DD and friends could have ordered a drink then let the your friend's DD drink it. I would imagine that is that her parents assume happened and why they hold her responsible

But that's a hell of an assumption to make, especially when their DD is nearly 18 anyway.

Is it really such a wild assumption @berrygirlie? A 17 year old girl has managed to get hold of alcohol, it's easier to get an adult friend to buy it than get good fake ID. They know she has been to the pub with adult friends, the most logical scenario is that is where she got drunk and OP's DD and her friends bought the alcohol for her. Unless the girl has a track record for regularly getting drunk, I would assume the simplest scenario to be most likely.