Partner saying that we can't move on whilst it's like this

[Purplebags11]

My partner and I have one dd and I would really like another but he is saying no but would like more kids in the future I am 33 so not exactly really young, his latest reason was that I'm being silly over his family, his mum in the past has Been an absolute nightmare to me we are on okay terms now and I make the effort when we see her for dd and dp sake, his siblings never bother with us or our dd and I said to him that I probably wouldn't rush round and meet their baby when it's born because of how they've been with my dd ( never interested always had an excuse not to pop in when passing etc ) they haven't seen her for over a year despite me asking to get together. I'm pretty sure mil has spoken about me to the others and now feel uncomfortable and awkward at the thought of it all.
He is now saying that it will be awkward if I don't go and that we can't try for a baby whilst it's like this! I feel like if I don't bow and scrape then we can't have a baby, I feel like a child and I have to do what I'm told otherwise I'll get punished and not able to have another child or am I being completely bonkers

I should have added that I've made a lot of effort for them to be involved in dd etc

Why would you want a baby with a DP who doesn't support you? I'd find a new DP if I were you and then worry about having another DC.

He is telling you that unless you get on with his mum and sister that he won't try for another baby? Does he realise how ridiculous that sounds. Surely you both decided to get together and have a baby because you love each other, not because of parental approval. Sounds like a toxic family where everyone has to do what they are told or they will sulk.

Has he actually grown up yet and does he know how controlling it sounds.

“his latest reason”

So this one is bullshit enough in its own right, but you know its just an excuse.

He doesn’t want another child.
Or on the off chance that he’s neutral about it, he doesn’t want one whilst he can still use it to beat you.

The more important question here is, why on earth would you want to tie yourself further to him when he’s such an arsehole? Seriously.

He sounds ridiculous, OP. Your babies are a decision solelybetween the two of you.

Why would you want a baby with a DP who doesn't support you?

Because she wants another baby, and it is far easier to have two children with one man than two children with two men. Better the devil you know, and all that.

He is effectively punishing you because you won’t tow the line. Also he doesn’t want another baby.

"His latest reason" stuck out for me - how many reasons has he had? Do you think he actually wants a baby, or is desperately making up fake excuse after fake excuse to avoid having a hard conversation?

Listen to what he's saying.

And then find a supportive dp to have your second dc with.
He's being manipulative, perhaps he gets it from his family. Whatever, he doesn't put you first.

He sounds horrible and childish. What an awful relationship to be in.

Ideally you'd leave him... but I understand why you want another child.

If you cant reason with him, explain why you want to crack on, talk about the age gap. Etc... I would be equally childish and not have sex with him. Of course it could end your relationship I would really chat this out first. But I dont see what else you can do.

I agree that the business with his family is a red herring here, and the phrase "his latest reason" is key. There's no point trying to resolve this "reason" because that's not the point, he'll just find another. If you want a second baby you have to get straight to the heart of it and find out if he really wants one. Don't be fobbed off by an endless string of reasons why it's not the right time, figure out if he actually wants one and then proceed based on that.

Coincidentally a friend of mine and her bf recently split up for similar reasons. Everything was lovely between them, then she brought up trying for a baby and suddenly all these insurmountable problems about her perceived attitude towards his mother sprung out of nowhere and they broke up. I think for some men drumming up charges of "not getting on with family" is an easy get out of jail free card, because its not something that can be easily resolved and it allows the man to get what he wants whilst still feeling all self righteous about defending his mum/sister.

Anyway, don't play his games. You've already got one kid with this man so I won't say to just sack him off, but you need some straight answers.

If he doesn’t want children, I really hope he is wearing condoms.

Wouldn’t be hard to get pregnant if he wasn’t.

It sounds like he doesn’t want another child and I’m not sure why you’d want another child with someone who’s like that

It sounds like it’s very important to him that you all get on, and he is not on agreement with your views and sure of the future of the relationship . Also you say you “feel” like your mil has spoken about uou, which indicates you don’t know.

I don’t understand how meeting with them is the equivalent of bowing and scraping, but he’s clearly not sure of the future with you so doesn’t wish to habe another child at this stage. Which is the correct course of action as harsh as it is.

I think you need to face the fact he doesn't want another baby.

What a manipulative arse. He is a 'future faker' he is controlling you by putting a rosy picture in the future that he had no intention of working towards.

You can have this as long as you do what I want and let me and my family treat you disrespectfully. If you bend to him that future picture will keep moving away.

Build up your friendships and career, be firm on the way you expect to be treated. He will grow some respect for you and at that point you can decide if you want a future with him.

Oh I would bin him and have a child with someone else.