It's a Christmas one - extra person, AIBU?

[ColourMeExhausted]

Christmas 2020 was planned, or so I thought. My parents are coming to stay with me, DH and our two DC (3 and 5). My brother is also coming up. They all live in a Tier 3 area and so do we, so there is risk but it's risk we are willing to take (we live several hours apart).

Today, DM messages our family WhatsApp thread (consisting of me, DH, parents, DB and my aunt). She says that my aunt is happy to come and spend Christmas with us all at mine and DH's house, she'll stay in a hotel nearby. It's presented as all decided. Problem is, neither myself or DH were aware of any of this and not consulted at any point! Came as a total surprise!

Background - aunt lives alone, her DP died a decade ago. Happily child free, big group of friends. We had invited her for Christmas but she said she would be happy seeing friends as she always does. She spent Christmas with us once when DD was a toddler, and made it very clear it wasn't her type of Christmas as too 'child centred'. Fair enough, I don't blame her! So we really weren't expecting this.

I was so angry, still am. DM has form for this kind of thing - deciding something that usually involves putting us out in some way and then telling us without ever asking first. In the past I've let it go, ever the peace maker, but it infuriates DH and has caused a lot of friction. My DM just won't listen on the few times I've gently tried to broach it so I've dropped it, fighting pick your battles and she won't change now.

But this has made me furious. It's not that I don't want to see my aunt! But the risk factor increases if she is here (and she's also from a Tier 3 area), and we won't strictly be three households (DM thinks she can bubble with my DB, aunt and us). And more than anything, it's the lack of respect for us that burns! Ok so my aunt will be in a hotel for the three nights. But mostly she will be staying with us during that time, and she has a hearty appetite! And I've no idea how we will fit everyone in. I was already feeling stressed about Christmas, life, work and parenting had drained me, and now somehow we've ended up with the biggest family Christmas in years and on the worst possible year for it?!

DH spoke to DF and it transpires my aunt's plans have fallen through so we can't really let her spend Christmas on her own. But I don't feel right about it - and know that if we say no, we become the bad guys.

So:
YANBU: you're right, your parents have acted unreasonably here...
YABU: suck it up, it's three days only and Christmas is a time for family...

You refer to DB as a "household". Does he have scope to make alternative plans?

I'd be tempted to suggest your sociable aunt has a quiet Christmas with your parents and you host your brother.

Is it really so hard to delay a big family get together until February or March?

Tell your DM she can stay home and have her own Xmas and host your aunt.

Thanks everyone! Really useful to get your thoughts on this.

Ah right, I'd been confused about the bubble thing as it seemed my DM was playing fast and loose with the bubbles as she was seeing both aunt and DB over lockdown...but who knows. Not the real issue here anyway, it just adds a bit more risk I guess.

I definitely won't be letting my aunt spend Christmas alone. As has been pointed out, it's the way it was presented to me that was so annoying - if I knew aunt was going to be alone I'd probably have offered anyway!

Wish we could tell parents to have their own Christmas but that would go down like a lead balloon with them, I'd never be forgiven.

Going to call aunt and speak with her, none of this is her fault and am going to assume she didn't know we were in the dark about it?

DB doesn't have any viable alternatives. He's had a bad year of it with job loss and a lot of his friends aren't around anymore as he has just moved back after being abroad. He's depressed and I know he really wants to spend time with his niece and nephew.

I would also go with @HotSince63's response.

In fact, we did respond in a very similar way a few years back. Mil had form for this type of thing. It involved an extra person on a family holiday. We backed out. Next thing you know, extra person uninvited by mil and holiday back on.

You have to opt out of people treating you like this.

Tbh Im surprised you are still doing this at all. I'd have loved to see family at Xmas and did have plans too but pretty much every scientists around thinks it's an incredibly bad idea that will lead to massive increase of cases, with the inevitable result of deaths and also further restrictions in Jan (including school closures) for most. It's not just your risk, it's everyone else's as well

I think you're unreasonable getting together at all, surely travelling several hours is daft in the current climate.

I know. I'd much rather it was just us four and no one else. I was disappointed when they announced the Christmas bubble thing as we had no reason to say no to them! Still wish I had the guts to call the whole thing off...but my parents are so desperate to see their GC.

@HotSince63

I would text the WhatsApp group right back and present it as all decided from your end that it's not happening...

"I'm glad you want to spend Christmas with the family Aunt, obviously that takes us over 3 families and we're not really wanting to take any risks, so you guys have Christmas day together at mum and dads and we will do our own thing here, and lets arrange a time for a video call during the day. Lots of love x".

Another vote for this.

@HotSince63

I would text the WhatsApp group right back and present it as all decided from your end that it's not happening...

"I'm glad you want to spend Christmas with the family Aunt, obviously that takes us over 3 families and we're not really wanting to take any risks, so you guys have Christmas day together at mum and dads and we will do our own thing here, and lets arrange a time for a video call during the day. Lots of love x".

This. Your aunt can spend it with your parents.

Your parents really need a consequence for their bad behaviour so they don’t pull stunts like this again .

Ah if she is your mum's support bubble, I think she and your mum count as one bubble.

But, I totally sympathise with you not wanting any company this year! It seems to me a bit silly to have any added risk "because it's CHRISTMAS and I want to see your dcs", when things are getting worse* and when there's a vaccine on the horizon.

I have a similar thing. I don't want to leave anyone alone on Christmas Day, but these are pretty exceptional circumstances aren't they? Or maybe it's just me. And anyway, she wouldn't be on her own.

*In my area they are anyway.

No one should be on their own at Christmas.

I know a few people who are choosing to be alone this Christmas, because...global pandemic.

It's up to YOU what risks you take with your family in your home AND whether you are happy to break Covid guidelines.

No need to worry about 'picking battles' here, just stand your ground and say very clearly that you are not prepared to break them. End of.

You don't have to put up with this shit just because your Mum can be pushy, OP. Taking her side and just rolling over when neither you or your DH want to is SO unfair to DH!! It's his home too! He gets a say!!

I'd call your aunt, tell her that regretfully you already have a mixture of 3 households over Xmas so she will not be able to come to your house over the period and refuse to budge. Let her ring your Mum and have a moan, Not your problem.

Have the Christmas you want, back your DH and don't allow yourselves to get railroaded!!

And if you want it to just be the 4 of you then tell your family that. The rest of them can spend Christmas together rather than one person being on their own.

Just to add, we have made the decision not to see anyone over Christmas. Everyone is entitled to make their own decision on whether they bubble or not.

No one should be on their own at Christmas

Because Covid gives a shit about people's festive feelings!!

FFS.

Just to add, we have made the decision not to see anyone over Christmas. Everyone is entitled to make their own decision on whether they bubble or not

But, if that had meant you left someone alone at Christmas, would you have been happy to have that choice taken away from you?

Well she's right really. Aunt can bubble with your DM and they count as one household. I don't think it increases your risk by that much if you're planning on meeting other households anyway and it does sound like you invited your aunt originally so I'd just go for it rather than your aunt being alone for Xmas. That's just a bit Mean tbh

I see a few options:

• Ring aunt and explain you want to clarify with her, because you've heard on the grapevine about her coming etc. BUT, you were suprised to hear that as she didnt enjoy last time/it will be child centric etc etc

• I agree that due to pandemic, increasing numbers etc etc, I'd refuse and suggest she goes to your parents

• IF she has already planned to come, ask which hotel exactly has she booked? The last thing you'd want it a last minute 'Well, they had no rooms left, so I thought I'd stay at yours!!!'

• IF, she is indeed in a hotel, I'd insist that your parents do the driving back and forth to collect and drop her off each, and every day. You are managing the house and other guests and your DH is minding the kids- end of! They invited her, then they are the taxi drivers.

The cost and workload needs splitting.

Does everyone stay at yours? Can you tell them all to book a hotel?

Everyone brings something. Mother alcohol, brother snacks and party food, aunt deserts and chocolates.

If they live close enough then everyone prepares a dish for Christmas dinner.

Or, can everyone go to your mothers including you?

On the day delegate, someone cleaning up present mess while someone else sets the table and another person peels the veg.

Another vote for let her spend it with your parents.... Keep your Christmas stress free and enjoy!

Double check Aunt will be able to stay in a hotel in a Tier 3 area, outside of the 5 day Christmas period they are only open for work or educational purposes so unless those rules are also relaxed, a hotel isn't an option.

Reading some of these brilliant responses is really making me look at my relationship with DM in sharper focus. And I don't like what I see. Both me and DF have always been people pleasers and never more so than when it comes to DM. We enable her, something that frustrates DH because it makes him feel like he's never heard or part of decisions. I feel very ashamed about this.

It's really difficult though, to have these conversations with her as I've mentioned. For my big birthday last year, she picked a fight with me and it kinda ruined the day or at least meant it ended on a sour note. I took a stand...she retaliated with the biggest sulk and I ended up having to back down. I still feel a bit of resentment.

Anyway. That's another thread I guess!

Should clarify that all family live a few hours away (and in a different country, we're in Scotland). And will be staying for three nights, so it's not just Christmas day itself.

And hotel nearby us will be open...DM might not have bothered checking with us but she did check with them

The rules are ridiculous and make little to no sense. You can see three other households but of course many people will be bending that rule. People just do whatever they want anyway and there’s fuck all the police can do about it. They turn up at a house filled with 50 people for example, everyone can claim to be four different households. It’s going to cause a third lockdown in January, I guarantee it.

Anyway, my point is that if you’re willing to risk two other households coming your aunt won’t make a difference. I’d be pissed off at my Mum if she just took it upon herself to invite someone without consulting me though, yes. Your Aunt can’t complain this time about your DC, she knows what she’s got herself in for!