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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I ask my family for help ?

45 replies

Kandymuse70 · 14/12/2020 18:57

I have around 8k of debt. Loans, credit card and overdraft (not included student loan in this).
It's my own fault, can't blame anyone else for it.
I am paying it off and can meet all the monthly payments but as a result i'm left with not much at the end of the month, and it will take me 2 years.
My credit rating is very bad, I have no CCJs or anything but I get declined for anything other than high-interest loans.
I have just taken on a second job which will help. It will mean me working evenings and weekends on top of my full-time hours but needs be.
Aside from that, I do what I can do make extra money, selling stuff on eBay, swagbucks etc.
Christmas is stressing me out, not sure how I am going to be able to afford things.

A while ago my parents told me they had saved money for a house deposit for me. I am aware how incredibly lucky this makes me and don't take it for granted.
I am thinking of asking them if they could transfer me at least some of that money in order for me to pay off most of my debt. I don't have to pay off every penny but I would like to pay the bulk of it and have a clean slate and better credit rating.
I feel ashamed, stressed and anxious.
I would then be in a position to save a good amount of money each month and could make up the house deposit remainder in a year hopefully.
I don't think lenders would offer me a mortgage with the credit score I have.
I am just scared to ask them and of letting them know my situation. I don't really ask them for anything and don't think I should really.
Just wondered what people thought of this situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kandymuse70 · 14/12/2020 19:20

I hate asking but I am stuck in a really difficult situation. 'clean your own mess'. Won't help.

OP posts:

FraggleShingleBellRock · 14/12/2020 19:20

Op, I mean this is the nicest possible way but at 31 the problem isn't your debt, it's your poor employment. Working "adhoc " has led to your debt and will also mean that you won't be able to get a a mortgage even if you do clear the debt.

To ask your parents is the easy way out. If I was in your shoes I would be looking at improving my work prospects so I was in full time employment. Then, after being able to explain hot I got into debt, and how I have solved that for in the future, then I might ask for help.

I would always help my adult children. But if they came to me with debt from living being their means I wouldn't be lending them the money. If they came to Ms and said "I've cocked up, but I've taken these steps to fix it" then I would be proud and help all I could in the knowledge that it wouldn't happen again.

countbackfromten · 14/12/2020 19:21

Horrible unexpected things happen and any of us could end up in the same position. Some of the responses are really horrid, imagine being in debt and being stressed and scared before you stick the boot in.

Ahwelltoobad · 14/12/2020 19:21

@missyB1

I have adult kids, if you were mine I would want to know and would want to help.

This!

JorisBonson · 14/12/2020 19:21

(FWIW, I'm not much older than you and had terrible, terrible credit from when I was younger. Spent the past few years on a DMP, worked fucking hard and have turned it around. Didn't need help. Didn't get the hump).

Original poster

Kandymuse70 · 14/12/2020 19:21

Thanks for the replies, I just think posting on here when i'm in a very bad place isn't right because there are a lot of helpful replies, but the rude ones can push you, and no it's not having a strop.

OP posts:

myhobbyisouting · 14/12/2020 19:22

Look, you sound really worried and stressed by this. Tell them. Ask for help!

They are your family, you've taken on a second job and it's 8k not 80!

I would want to know and help if you were mine. It's good to talk.

Hope you're ok x

Original poster

Kandymuse70 · 14/12/2020 19:23

Thanks, I am not going to post any further after this but I will do what I can myself and consider asking for a small amount of it that I will pay back.

OP posts:

myhobbyisouting · 14/12/2020 19:23

And for what it's worth, I can be pretty harsh when it comes to taking responsibility.

I think admitting a problem and asking for help is taking responsibility for the situation. If nothing else they can support you emotionally

RedskyAtnight · 14/12/2020 19:24

It depends rather on your relationship with your parents. If this was my parents, they would give me the money - but it would come with a lecture about managing my money better, and they would still be reminding me about it years afterwards.

So, in your position, I would stand on my own 2 feet, tighten my belt for 2 years and not mention it to my parents.

Have you spoken to StepChange or another of the debt charities? They may be able to help you with practical things. The Debtfree Wannabe forum on MSE is also good - lots of people there who have "been there, done that" and will give you non-judgemental advice.

huuskymam · 14/12/2020 19:25

You're not in a financial position to get a mortgage in the next couple of years, I would ask for it as a loan so you could pay off all debts, have a smaller more manageable repayment. You would be sorting your credit rating and with the loan paid back, will hopefully be in a better position when the time comes to think about buying.

As a parent of teenagers, I would absolutely want to know if they were in financial trouble and would help them if I could.

thetaleunfolds · 14/12/2020 19:26

Don't be afraid to ask for help. That said, I did when I was in a similar position and my mum helped me out, only for me to get into the same mess years later. I've worked hard to get myself out of that hole the second time around and I know that I'll never make that mistake again.

If it's going to take away a house deposit I would be hesitant too

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 14/12/2020 19:29

I think at least tell your parents, so they can help you emotionally, if nothing else. If you open up to them they may well offer you the money; it doesn’t really make sense for it to be sitting there for you, while you spend £££ on interest.

MustardMitt · 14/12/2020 19:30

I don’t think it’s wrong to ask, and any (normal) parent would be fine.

If they agree, I think you should pay the same amount you were paying off the debt into savings to build that deposit pot back up. You’ll appreciate it in two years! Then at least you’re gaining money on internet rather than losing it. It won’t be much but at least you’ll be in a position to pause for a month if you have an unexpected spend.

MustardMitt · 14/12/2020 19:31

Btw if your family are pretty financially savvy they’ll recognise it makes no sense to have money in a savings account earning practically nothing while you pay ££££ of interest on the debts you owe.

Scottishskifun · 14/12/2020 19:31

Personally I would discuss it with your parents not on a presumption that they will use the money to help you out but in order to help your own well being.

It's clear from your posts that this is hurting you, you are trying your best to get out of your situation you also need support (not necessarily monetary variety) and your parents can be there for you.

I have a brother who is terrible with money I never bail him out but I do help him with solutions such as consolidation of debt etc.

shiningstar2 · 14/12/2020 19:41

You asked a question in AIBU op ao presumably you were prepared to hear, without being defensive, the views of the mumsnetters who replied to you. No point in asking the question if you are going to take offence if the answers don't suit you.
You say that on mumsnet no-one over 18 is expected to ask for help from a parent but that is not necessarily true. Many mumsnetters are supporting over 18s through university or supporting their kids for other reasons.
However, you are not 18, you are 31 and you would like your parents to hand over money they have saved for a house deposit for you, to pay off credit debts which you freely admit are your 'own fault'.
I am thinking that if I was the parent of an adult, I would be prepared to make sacrifices to help my adult child get on the housing ladder, but to pay off credit debts ...not so much.
I don't agree that mumsnetters are against helping adult children. My dd is now 45 and I still help her when I can ...eg an expensive wedding, half a car she needed for work, holidays for herself and her family ...but I would draw the line at using my hard earned income to pay off credit debt ...but that's just me.
That's my opinion, fwiw, and It's people's opinions you asked for when you came on AIBU. It's not unduly harsh to be honest. I would think carefully about your approach to your parents. They may be ok with what you are asking, but you don't want to put them off being generous to you in the other way's they've chosen.
You need to bear in mind that each generation is very different in it's approach to debt. My generation is very debt averse except for mortgages and, for example, a car needed for work. My own daughter had credit card debts for things I would never have taken credit out for. Not my business, because I am never going to pay that kind of debt off for her ...so I don't ask. However I am there for her in many other money needs ways.
Good luck op. Think about your approach and be very gracious if the answer is a firm 'no'. If they are saving for a deposit for you they are very generous to you in other ways.

Piratedoor · 14/12/2020 19:43

My parents would want me to ask them instead of getting myself into debt and bad credit, if its money they are saving for you im sure they wouldn't mind helping. Maybe just tell them about the trouble you're in and see if they offer the money to you instead of just asking outright

pudcat · 14/12/2020 20:02

PLease ask them. One of my kids got into debt and didn't ask for help and when they finally did we had more money to pay out than if asked earlier.

olivesnutsandcheese · 14/12/2020 20:28

Rather than asking them to help you why don't you just tell them about your situation. You could phrase it that you're afraid that Christmas presents will be very limited this year and tell them why. Explain how you have worked out the debt and how you intend to pay it back but that you would appreciate their understanding about it and see what they say. They may well need to discuss it together further so that way you aren't putting any pressure on them for an immediate answer. I know my parents would have wanted to help out in that situation but rather than asking for a hand out you are offering an opportunity for them to offer. They might not but at least they'll know what's going on and can be supportive.

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