To ask for some quick advice on how to handle stealing?

[Chippednails]

Posting in Aibu for traffic. I’ve just caught my 10 yr old out, by pure chance, having stolen a £20 note from a small pile of notes I’ve got at home having sold something last week.

I was so shocked, didn’t shout but calmly and crossly said how cross and disappointed I was and how shocked and I needed time to think about what to do. He’s in his room now.

We’ve recently had to remove all treats/biscuits from the house as he was constantly taking them without asking and hiding them in his room, filling up on crap then not eating meals. So I wonder if this was to buy stuff on the way home from school. He gets pocket money but on a card which I keep hold of so doesn’t have access to cash.

AFAIK it’s the first time he’s done this. His dad isn’t home from work yet so I haven’t told him but I think he’ll be understandably furious.

So mumsnet, how do I handle this one? Want to get it right, not go OTT but not let him think it’s ok either. Is it a sign of a wider attention issue? Just kids pushing boundaries?

Help!

I did this, once, as a 12 year old. I stole £10 out of my aunty's office when staying at her house, and my dad was told and the most effective thing was the pure SHAME in his disappointment. I was grounded too (difficult at the moment - removing something important to him might work) but really, being told very plainly by my dad that he was disappointed, that I knew stealing was wrong and that I would have to earn his trust back was enough to make me feel sick. I still feel a bit sick now when I think about it!

So I think stick with that, get his dad to stick to the same script - very disappointed, an appropriate punishment, and maybe a conversation about why he did it - I assume he's not wanting for anything important and chances are he's just being an impulsive kid, but with the food stuff as well it might be worth seeing if there's anything else going on.

Shouting and histrionics has a horrible way of making teens/pre-teens just shut down and go on the defensive, so even if his dad is (understandably) furious, I don't think that'd be helpful!

Perhaps he would like to have some actual cash. Maybe his mates tell him that they go to a shop and spend cash.
Does he understand the value of money if he never has cash.
Chat to him and discuss that its not acceptable to take money from someone
and why you hide snacks etc.
Is there something going on at school or does he feel that he is being treated like a baby.

I echo the pp about expressing your shame rather than shouting. Maybe do some chores to gradually earn the money back? Has he spent the money or did you recover it?

Unfortunately I think your attitudes towards food may have contributed to this. You consider certain items are special “treats” that you have now taken to banishing him from, which in turn makes the items more attractive to him. Perhaps if you were more non-chalant about treats, he may not be soo obsessed with them. I would buy him a pack of biscuits but make him ration it out until the next food shop, once it’s gone it’s gone!

When I was a little younger than your son, probably 8/9, I took some change from my mum's purse. She found out and was quite rightly very cross and disappointed.

I was mortified and very embarrassed. What I didn't tell her though and I'm not sure I could have even articulated it, was that I was very unhappy at school. My best friend had recently moved away, another friend was long term ill and we had moved house to further away from friends . I was feeling very isolated and I used the money to buy sweets to give to girls in my class in the hope of "buying" their friendship.

Although this has to be nipped in the bud, you might want to think about checking that everything is ok with your DS.

I really hope you're not the poster whose child was so distressed they were eating bags of sugar to self-soothe.

Quiet disappointment always worked best with our three. They are in their thirties now but, when talking about their childhood, always say that they hated our disapproval. We have never been a shouty family and we’re certainly not lenient. They knew that no meant no.
I can remember finding lots of chocolate biscuit wrappers stuffed down the side of one son’s bed. Don’t know why he thought I would never find them! I just let him know I had found them and he never did it again.
I don’t think you need to make a huge deal about this. I think you have handled it well. Maybe his dad could also have a quiet word and let it go.

I think it might be a sign you need to give him more control of his pocket money.

Thanks all. We’ve gone for the disappointed in you approach and to be fair he seems gutted. I genuinely think it was a spur of the moment thing (and no as far as I know as never eaten a bag of sugar 😄) so hopefully that’s nipped it in the bud.

The food thing is separate I think - were actually pretty relaxed about treats but less so eating a pack of biscuits then not eating dinner. It’s taken a while for us to get to the end of our tether and take everything away for a period of time. But I agree that money on a card doesn’t help understanding of the value of cash so am definitely going to have a think about maybe doing a bit of both. Thanks for the advice ☺️

There definitely needs to be consequences to his actions - stealing is wrong - but I'd also want to get to the bottom of why he stole the money

You have taken away treats and he has no access to his pocket money so it could simply have been because he wants to have cash for snacks without having to ask for the card for his account (and I presume since you dont let him keep his own card then you would be asking him why he wanted it and would not let him have it to buy treats) but there could be other reasons- issues at school for example.

I also think it may be an opportunity to discuss money, the value of it etc and discuss how much that £20 is (I work just above NMW so £20 is two hours work) and if it was my DD the consequence would be losing her internet privileges and having to do at least 2 hrs of work/chores to earn it back