Why do some family only bother about the kids when it’s Christmas?

[RedShark]

No major backstory to this but in laws only ever bother about seeing the children when it’s Christmas to bring them their gifts.
As my DC’s are getting older I wonder what message this sends them and whether it’s something to act on?
Part of me feels like it’s a time for family and I wouldn’t say no to those who ask to see children. But other part thinks why aren’t they good enough to see the rest of the year and does this send a good message to them about family and relationships? Aibu?

Speaking from experience you need more than contact at Christmas for kids to build real relationships with extended family members

Ooh I hate that. And then it's extra pressure on you trying to squeeze in time for a visit and what is (usually) a very busy time of year. It would be much more convenient if they could only be bothered in say February wouldn't it!

But I'm also interested to know why. And also why we indulge it. It's like because it's Christmas there is some duty on us to ensure all the crap relatives get a visit in and really when they live just up the road it's a bit pitiful!

How have you encouraged and built the relationship?

If you read lots of posts on this site you’d think all grandparents were daft and all actively sought to place grandchildren in danger/undermine parents/use coercion or were narcissistic.

Have you spoken to them about increasing contact, about joining you for days out or holidays?

Imo look at the relationship with their children first. I usually notice that if they have a distant relationship with their own child it shouldn't be a surprise that it extends to the gc.

MIL sends birthday and Christmas presents to our two DC, but has never once since we had our eldest nearly 7 years ago initiated any kind of contact with them. But then she was like that with us before we had DC - it was always us inviting her to do things, and she’d rarely do it. She’ll do things like come and see her friends who live in our city, but wouldn’t ever think to see if we’re about for a catch-up.

She’s fairly active socially in her village, and seems to know lots of people - I always wonder what she says when people ask about DH and her DGC as we last saw her in 2018 and she only lives an hour away. But I’m tired of asking her if she’d like to meet up/come for Christmas/see her grandchildren only to have the subject changed or be fobbed off somehow, so I’ve stopped. She and I text occasionally, DH is so hurt at how distant she is and hasn’t spoken to her in ages.

@sittingonacornflake you’ve summed it up perfectly there! I feel like it’s something I can’t say no to but wish that if they wanted to see DC’s, they asked at other times of the year too?!

@CherryPavlova fair question and to be quite honest I’d not actively encourage a relationship with this grandparent as she was an awful mum to exH growing up, but I’ve always maintained that should she want to see them or want us to visit then that’s fine (supervised obviously). But have left that ball in her court and it only tends to be at Christmas I hear from her. Other set of in laws, I know I always have to bother initiating contact but that’s fine as they are good caring people and enjoy spending time with DC’s and they have put the effort into building relationships with them.

@JillofTrades seems to be the case here too, she’s definitely a ‘overcompensate for poor parenting with gifts’ type of person when it comes to her children

@IRememberMySpaceBabe that’s really sad; I’m sorry to hear she hasn’t bothered to have a relationship with them or with you and DH. It must hurt him a lot!

I have said yes to her seeing them but I think if my eldest seems uncomfortable I will reconsider next year, perhaps a polite reminder that they’re here all year round to see and not just for remembering at Christmas!

My in-laws are like this. I think it’s so they can compete with their social circle in collecting grandkids. It’s the in thing with some over 60’s to parade how much family they have at this time of year. The more contact you have with your grandkids makes you a better person. So when Bob and Maureen from the golf club ask how you are spending Christmas, you tell them with the grandkids of course! It’s all about how many people will be crowding round your bedside when you die. In reality, mine hardly see the kids or bother with them but they love to make out to their friends they do, particularly at Christmas and I think it’s for this reason.

@SandysMam very interesting, I never thought of it much in that way. She strikes me as the person that doesn’t do something unless it benefits her and so yes perhaps it is to be able to boast about being the ‘good granny’ if you like. Sorry yours are this way too!

Fil is exactly like this, he was a crap dad to DH so I'm not surprised.

I just get annoyed when he expects to be fitted in and made a priority for special events like Xmas, birthdays, christenings etc when he never makes an effort for the day to day relationship with the kids.

Last time he complained to DH about Ds's birthday saying "oh I expect you've found time to see warricks parents and mil though, where's my invite?" it's like he's blind to the obvious difference in grandparental effort, of course we make time for Mil and my DPs they make time for our kids and see them regularly. Fil wouldn't be able to pick DS out of a line up he hasn't seen him since his baptism, over a year ago.

@WarrickDavisAsPlates it’s a shame isn’t it that they couldn’t even recognise their own grandchildren. I definitely feel like the whole thing is a two way street but at a time like Christmas where, as a PP has mentioned, I’m trying to squeeze in seeing all our other family and friends in a covid safe way, squeezing in someone who hasn’t seen the children in over a year just doesn’t feel fair and probably isn’t pleasant for the children either!