To change child arrangement?

[WishingForAnElfyXmas]

My DC is 8, they currently spend time with both parents on a 50:50 basis - agreed between parents, no court involvement.

My DC has been saying for a while that they don’t like going to Dad’s house - “he is always shouting and they’re scared of him”.

I don’t honestly believe they are scared but recently the mentions of Dad have escalated to they wish he would go away for a few years, he is likely to be on Santa’s naughty list etc.

My ex and I do not get on and I know me suggesting my DC spends less time at his house will be met with a fight but I feel that I should do something to make my child happier and more settled.

AIBU to message my ex and suggest that I reduce the time my DC spends with him?

You can suggest it but be prepared for a major fallout, especially if you don't get on already.

Reasons aside, think how you'd feel if this came from him. I think you should go down the official route and get visits court ordered.

CoRhona - surely by taking him to court to reduce time at his house would make things a hell of a lot worse on the fall out front?

I am just thinking the decision will come from someone else so you don't bear the brunt.

I think I would bear more brunt by forcing him to pay legal fees and reducing his time with his DC?

Courts don’t tend to enforce a 50:50 arrangement anyway, it isn’t often considered in the child’s best interests. It’s usually every other weekend and one week day for the NRP. I wouldn’t force my child to spend 50% of their time with a parent they are afraid of.

Could you reduce it without actually making a grand statement? Not sure how the set up goes...

Will your son be able to cope of his Dad questions him about this reduction in contact?

Ime it's normal for contact to change as children get older but when my kids asked me to talk to their Dad, they were very nervous about seeing him at their next contact. He never kicked off or made them feel guilty about it but the kids did feel bad.

TicTacTwo - they are very worried about Dad’s reaction. They originally said they didn’t want me talking to him about the shouting as it might make things worse but they said the other day that they wish I had as it was worse recently.

You don't believe they're scared and yet your childs told you he wants his dad to go away for years?? Cut contact untill your son is ready- don't force it. Ex can take you to court if he's bothered

Why don't you believe what your son is telling you? Forgive me if I'm reading this wrong but I think you really do believe him but you, yourself, are scared of the results of acting on that belief?
You need to prioritise your child, and protect them by pushing for their interests and accepting that you may have to take some negative comeback yourself to protect him. So YANBU to open a dialogue with your ex about it but you may need to go in stronger than just suggesting a reduction in time, because honestly - is ex going to just agree?

Tell him that you are reducing contact and leave it at that. You don’t need to take him to court to do that. Sit tight and see if he takes you to court, he doesn’t sound like a great dad so chances are, he won’t bother! I would be aiming for every second weekend with his father and see how that goes. If he keeps up his shit, reduce it more. Make sure and write everything down in case he does take you to court. Anything and everything your son says after visiting that is upsetting him or making him feel nervous, time and dates are your friend!💕