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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Am I or is he??

25 replies

Wannabegreenfingers · 14/12/2020 16:21

Hello,

I don't know if I'm the unreasonable one or my ex husband??

My ex has asked me to keep the kids off for the rest of the week. There are no positive cases in school, but 29 out of over 400 children are isolating, several of these are to have a clear run up to Christmas, not because they have been told to.

My ex host the children at his parents as he lives with his girlfriend that the children don't know about, they think she is a friend. He has a big Xmas special planned and doesn't want to take the risk of it being cancelled.

His Nan is also due to come and stay the day after the children have left.

I need to be in the office this week and I have no contingency money to pay the childminder extra for the days I'll need to be in.

So why do I feel guilty for not keeping them off. I'm following the rules to the letter and bending over backwards. He's bubbled with friends even though he shouldn't.

Yabu- keep them
Yanbu - keep them in school

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 14/12/2020 16:28

He's being ridiculous

cameocat · 14/12/2020 16:33

Unless he's organising/paying for the childcare then he is being unreasonable.

Leaannb · 14/12/2020 16:33

I would love to know the reasoning of whoever voted YABU

NeverHadANickname · 14/12/2020 16:36

Well he needs to look after them or pay the child minder then. It shouldn't be on you. YANBU.

Bettysnow · 14/12/2020 16:37

Yes he should pay for childcare if he wants them off

Aprilx · 14/12/2020 16:38

I wouldn’t even think about it unless he covered the child care costs and even then I would be in two minds.

How has he bubbled with friends (as in plural) if he is living with someone?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/12/2020 16:45

You feel guilty because he has made you feel like they will miss out on something special if they have to stay off. Not your responsibility though. If he wants the kids off he should either pay for childcare or look after them himself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/12/2020 16:47

He’s BVU. Say no. Then ignore anything that follows. Pillock.

LikeAGlove · 14/12/2020 16:50

If he wants them off so badly I'm assuming he's offered to pay the childcare?

Iloveacurry · 14/12/2020 16:52

If he wants them off school, then they can go and stay at his house, and he can sort out childcare.

unmarkedbythat · 14/12/2020 17:01

If he thinks it is essential for them to be off school then I assume he has arranged and funded childcare to ensure that is possible? Otherwise, he can't be that bothered about it.

TonMoulin · 14/12/2020 17:17

I can actually see his point. Children seem to be one of the biggest transmitter of the virus.

However, he is unreasonable on two counts.

self isolation is now 10 days, not 14.
if he wants to do that, he should be organising childcare and deal with the school re abscences

birdseedpie · 14/12/2020 17:18

He is being unreasonable. If he wants them off school then he has to do all the childcare.

Hilly17 · 14/12/2020 17:21

Wouldn’t you get a fine for keeping them off school?

liveitwell · 14/12/2020 17:22

Had he offered to have them? His kids, his Christmas plans, his responsibility.

greyspottedgoose · 14/12/2020 17:25

If they are at the childminder they are no more isolating than they are at school, so short of him asking you not to go to work there isn't much you can do? Tough luck to him unless he wants to isolate with them

Original poster

Wannabegreenfingers · 14/12/2020 17:29

Thank you. He can't have the kids because of his girlfriend. His parents live over an hour away as does he.

Hes a manipulative arse, 14 years of bullying have left me a wreck.

He's now coming to the house tomorrow and Thursday to have them. I don't have the energy to fight x

OP posts:

liveitwell · 14/12/2020 17:31

@Wannabegreenfingers

Why isn't he telling them about his girlfriend?

I wouldnt allow him round. Make sure hes doing YOU a favour, as you've done him a favour letting him have them at yours.

CheesyMother · 14/12/2020 17:33

@TonMoulin

I can actually see his point. Children seem to be one of the biggest transmitter of the virus.

However, he is unreasonable on two counts.

self isolation is now 10 days, not 14.
if he wants to do that, he should be organising childcare and deal with the school re abscences

Actually, the latest research shows that children are less infectious than adults, both in the viral load and the length of time they are infectious for.

Tim Spector tweeted about it a couple of days ago - it was a study in Iceland I think.

Leaannb · 14/12/2020 17:33

@Wannabegreenfingers

Thank you. He can't have the kids because of his girlfriend. His parents live over an hour away as does he.

Hes a manipulative arse, 14 years of bullying have left me a wreck.

He's now coming to the house tomorrow and Thursday to have them. I don't have the energy to fight x

There is no reason to fight. Tell him No and that he can pick up the children when its his time to jave them. Your home is yoir home. Not a visitation center and block his ass11

AcrossthePond55 · 14/12/2020 17:35

Are you OK with him being in your house without you present?

I understand not having energy to fight. But you may want to consider whether or not this is a precedent you really want to set. I mean him alone in your home AND him dictating whether/when the children are in school.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/12/2020 17:38

Hes a manipulative arse, 14 years of bullying have left me a wreck.

I just noticed this.

It may be time to start swimming against 'his' tide. If you feel unable to stand up to him, please consider getting counseling to help you understand that you and your time and/or wishes are just as valuable as his and to help you build enough self-esteem and strength to stand up to him.

It took me many years to find my voice. But I have it now and I am NOT afraid to use it!

ohwhatamiserableyear · 14/12/2020 17:57

I'd tell him they can be off ONLY IF he covers and pays for childcare and does it himself ... otherwise, they're in school.

GlowingOrb · 14/12/2020 18:03

He would need to arrange all childcare, pay for it, and handle all logistics.

I don’t think it’s crazy to keep kids at home prior to Christmas if you plan on a family gathering, but he needs to do all the work.

Original poster

Wannabegreenfingers · 14/12/2020 20:47

Thank you. I need to work on 'No, that doesn't work for me'.

I trust him in the house, but its not ideal, it was one of my suggestion to work around keeping the children off. He tried to tell me I couldn't return until 5.30 as he couldn't work with me there. I was strong enough on argue this point to tell him to jog on. I'll be home when my day is finished and if thats 4pm so be it.

He really needs to tell the children about the girlfriend, but it's power play. He left, he moved in with her, but needs to be the good guy. I won't weaponise this situation so it really is down to him to tell the children.

OP posts:

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